not the traditional crawlers :)

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valentine's day

my little valentines :)

My babies have big heads.  I've known this.  The pediatrician told me this.  I wasn't worried.  EVER.  Until I took Blake to the neonatal follow up clinic.  Turns out...his head is really big.  Off the charts big.  So the doctor recommended a head ultrasound. What!?  I almost declined.  I remember when the babies were in the NICU and the doctors asked me then if I wanted a head ultrasound.  (Babies born less than 34 weeks automatically get one, my babies were exactly 34 weeks).  I declined.  I didn't want one.  

                                                                       

                                                           

So you can imagine my frustration and apprehension when the neonatalogist strongly recommends that Blake gets one.  I began to cry.  I told her that Beckett has a big head too.  She responded with the fact that while that may be the case, Beckett didn't have the history of sepsis.  So....yesterday we headed down to Kosair.  Just me and Blake.  He was in great spirits....I was a wreck.

The tech was fantastic.  She put gel all over Blakey's head and then watched his ventricles come alive on the screen.  It was very quick.  Then she left the room.  And in walked the radiologist.  Literally I felt the bile in the back of my throat.  But the doctor quickly broke into a grin and told me that my son has a beautiful brain. Perfect, in fact.  He does however have quite a large head....(must get that from his father) :)

FIRST YEAR STATS

Yesterday I took the babies to their one year check up, (and yes, I will be calling them the babies for the rest of their lives).
Beckett:
19lbs 1oz (10-25% for weight)
28 1/4 inches (5% height)
Beckett is MOVING!  He's not your traditional crawler....think more of a butt scooter. (My sister has coined his crawl the "Lieutenant Dan"). He gets so proud of himself when he moves from one room to the next.  I will call his name, go look for him, and his whole face smiles.  He feeds himself any kind of table food, but will still let me spoon feed him.  He has a definite sweet tooth.  He can drink apple juice faster than any baby I know.  He has two bottom teeth and three on the top. He can say, dada, mama, nana, zozo, and oh oh.  He can sign "dog."  He loves books and will sit for a half hour while I read to him.  He loves the water, either in the bathtub or the shower.  He does a little wiggle with his head that we call the "Beckett Shuffle."  He is just getting into toys and his favorite toys are balls.  He loves YO GABA GABA.  He is very sensitive and cries easily.  He LOVES to be held. He loves his brother, and will still not fall asleep unless he next to him.
Blake:
21lbs 6oz (50% for weight)  Yes!!!  Blakey is the big one now!!!
28 inches (2% for height)
Blake is beginning to scoot.  Not the traditional crawler either.  He is going to butt scoot just like Beckett. But he is still very content to be put in one place with a toy.  He self entertains very well.  Blake loves to eat.  He feeds himself anything but will let me spoon feed him as well.  He doesn't have the sweet tooth like his brother, but he is a much pickier eater.  He has two bottom teeth and four on the top.  He can say dada, mama, and ggggg.  He thinks he is funny.  Really funny.  He cracks himself up.  He loves to sing and will sing along with any song.  He is beginning to like toys and his favorite ones are balls.  He loves YO GABA GABA.  He is the last one asleep and the first one awake.  But he will still not fall asleep if his brother is not next to him.

the first year

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the birthday party

Dear Babies,
I wanted a big celebration for your birthday.  A really big one.  Simply because you gave my heart its beat once again. Oh....what a year, babies.  It is hard for me to imagine my life before you.  Because you envelop every part of me.   You are the light in my eyes.  The smile on my lips. The air that I breathe.  The beat of my heart.  You are the grace that sustains me.  And the joy that inspires me.  I am who I was always meant to be...because of you.  I am happy.
And I wanted to shout that happiness from the rooftops!  I wanted to let the whole world know the blessing of YOU.  That this past year has been the greatest year of my life.  That your birth was the beginning of me...
So I planned a HUGE party.  A big celebration.  But never did I imagine how BIG it would be.
We rented a gym.  We had two big jumpees.  We had popcorn and nachos.  Pizzas and pinatas.  We had jelly beans and Skittles.  M&M's and DumDums.  Nerds and gummy bears.  We had a whole sheet cake!  We had a magician and balloons. And there was a slide show constantly playing in the background of your whole 1st year.
Oh...it was fun.  But it was so much more than that.  We asked that in lieu of gifts, people bring a donation to the NICU.  We raised almost $600.00!!!  The checks just kept coming...and on the bottom of every check it would say "...for Beckett and Blake Berkhahn."
But the really amazing thing?  The amount of people that showed up for your party.  I know you are loved.  I love you more with every breath that I take.  But I had no idea how many other people loved you.  I sent out 50 invitations.  There were 126 people at your party.
Babies...this is just the beginning.

Congratulations!

Today is your day!

You're off to great places!

Your off and away!

Dr. Seuss

very emotional

I know I haven't posted for awhile.  It's just that their approaching birthday is so....intense.  Intense with every emotion.  My heart is full.  More full than I could ever have imagined.  Yet I can not deny that this past year has been hard.  Very hard.  Before the babies came, mothers of twins would give me advice.  Unprompted, of course.  And the consensus seemed to be survival.  If you can survive the first year with twins, then you can survive anything.  So many mothers would tell me that the first year was a blur.  That they were too tired, too stressed, too busy to simply enjoy the moment.  I swore that wouldn't happen.  To me, to the babies, to our family. Yet I have to be honest, the first four months were rough.  As I look back on pictures, capturing the moments of their infancy, I do wonder how I survived.  How our marriage survived.   Aside from the lack of sleep, we were constantly worried about Blake.  He was spitting constantly.  He was developmentally delayed.  He didn't respond well to sound...not even his momma's voice.  And poor Beckett, he got whatever attention was left after me devoting all my energy to Blake.  Our marriage received no attention, and began to fray at the edges.  We were two people living together for the same purpose, the same goal yet we couldn't have been farther apart.  So we went to counseling.  And implemented "date night."  And slowly we started to walk not only in the same direction, but side by side once again.  Then Blake started therapy and I realized that just maybe things were going to be okay.  I started to relax.  To soak up their babyhood like it was a drug.  Yet the memory of her still invades my heart.  She is my stream of consciousness.  It is a love triangle that I never would have anticipated.  They wouldn't be here had she lived.  I love her...through them, for them.      I miss her.  And what I will never have with her. But with them...well, I have everything.
At times I wish I could go back in time, to that grief stricken lost woman and tell her that the sun will shine again.  That it will be so bright that it will be blinding.  But I know that she wouldn't listen.  And ultimately...it has been this journey that has defined her.
Oh...what a year.