I am amazed that two children born only one minute apart can be so completely and totally different. Beckett is an easy baby. He greets each day with a smile and ends it with a coo. He is a great eater and gains weight easily, if not a little too quickly. He entertains himself, yet loves to be stimulated. When he smiles, his whole face lights up. Blake is the exact opposite. He cries from the moment he opens his eyes. While he loves to eat, he spits up the majority of his meals. He gains weight very very slowly. He has no idea what entertaining himself means. All he knows is the minute his tiny little bum touches anything other than somebody's arms, he will holler. He gets overstimulated and he can't self soothe. So all this adds up to a very busy day and a very busy momma. Oh....and some tears.
Clearly I know that I shouldn't compare my children. Yet, I find myself doing it all the time. Especially because they are twins. What one does, shouldn't the other? As Blake has gotten older I have noticed that Beckett seems to be passing him by in motor skills. Blake doesn't have very good head control. He keeps his little hands in fists. And he doesn't bring himself into midline. So after spending 1 1/2 hours with the physical therapist from Neonatal Follow Up, Blake is now enrolled in 1st Steps. This is a program subsidized by the state that enables babies to reach and achieve their milestones. Once a week, both a physical and occupational therapist will come to my house and work with Blake for an hour. And as she was telling me all this, I began to feel a little overwhelmed. Nobody wants to hear that their child needs to go into therapy. She reassured me that there is nothing neurologically wrong, that he is simply developmentally behind what a normal 3 1/2 month old baby ( that is his corrected age) would be doing. She asked me if I had any questions. And while the questions were spinning within my head, I felt as if I were on sensory overload, I was not able to get any questions out.
Here is what I do know though. I don't care if we have to go to therapy everyday, and I don't care if we have to go for the next ten years. I will do everything in my power to ensure that Blake succeeds. Not because I am some heroine, but simply because I am a momma.
How is it possible that my babies are five months old? Where did the time go? I was cautioned that time would pass quickly. That I should savor every moment. But that's not enough. I want to freeze time. I want to capture every moment and relive it. The good and even the bad. For I fear that all too quickly time will continue to pass and I will no longer be able to hold both my babies in my arms. Or worse yet, that they will no longer want me to hold them in my arms. This elite club, otherwise known as motherhood has completely left me smitten. Drooling on myself with the joy of my babies. There are hard days. And long days. And days filled with tears. But those days are not the days I remember. And the good days far outnumber the bad ones. I never quite understood what people meant when they said that parenthood changes everything. Yet IT does. It's as if my heart, while now multiplied and giant, no longer belongs to me. It belongs to them. Their smile is the the beat of my heart, and their tears cause it to stop. I inhale them as if they are a drug. I cannot compare who I was before to whom I am now. For there is no comparison. It's as if I took my first breath the moment they took theirs. My eyes are open where before they were closed. I was empty and now am full. I look into their crystal blue eyes and see the future and all that it holds. And I become both excited and sorrowful. For I want them to grow and achieve. To accomplish every dream. But I don't want to ever lose that sensation of having them in my arms, chins dripping with milk and eyes so bright that they bore a hole straight into my soul. But I know that time will pass, and I will no longer have arms full of babies. Just a heart full of memories.
