The Boys Are Here!!!!!

The boys arrived on January 25, 2011 at 1106pm and 1107pm. Baby A weighed in at 5lbs 1oz and baby B weighed in at 4lbs 7oz. Baby A was given the name Beckett Glenn. Glenn is after Chris' father and Beckett is after a Christian martyr from the 1100's. Thomas Becket was murdered in a cathedral after refusing to convert his faith. One of his most famous quotes, "The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason." Baby B was given the name Blake Raymond. Raymond after my father, and Blake after the poet, William Blake. William Blake was a very religious poet. One of his best known poems is the "Cradle Song." My favorite verse from that poem refers to Jesus as an infant. "Wept for me, for thee, for all, when He was an infant small. Thou His image ever see, heavenly face that smiles on thee."
Both boys are currently in the NICU. Both boys came out very pink and breathing on their own. However, they are having trouble eating and maintaining their temperature. We expected those issues. We never expected Blake to get sick though. He acquired a blood stream infection known as GBS. It is a strain of streptococcus. Most likely he acquired it due to my prolonged rupture of membranes. He is going to need 10 days of antibiotics and therefore he is getting a PICC line. (This is a peripherally inserted central catheter. In other words, it is a longer lasting IV that goes directly into the superior or inferior vena cava). When we found out that he was GBS + we were both shocked. We both know the side effects of GBS. We both know too damn much. But he is being treated, he has never been without antibiotics. In fact, I was even treated with penicillin during labor.
Right now things are a little crazy. The emotional highs and lows are overwhelming. The doubt that circulates within my mind is intoxicating. And the inevitable fact that I am a mother to two boys still is fairly illusive to me. It doesn't feel real. I feel as if I am visiting someone else's child. How could I possibly be this doubly blessed?
I know this update is short, but please know that we are very busy. I promise to update more completely as things calm down. But I wanted to make sure that I was able to thank everyone who walked this journey with us. From Susanne and Anne (mothers to preemies), to BethAnne, to Cat, whom I've never met. To all the women who supported us, followed our story, and prayed for our boys, you women continued to propel me into the next day and kept my faith alive.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers, as our boys still have some obstacles to overcome.

A little note: Anne and Chris, we just got the cookies today. Your kindness and well wishes made me cry. This experience has changed the way I will practice as a nurse. NICU parents walk down a treacherous road. A road that I took for granted, until now. You both are veterans of that road. A road that you walked and continue to walk with grace. Thank you.

33 weeks!

So I am 33 weeks today. And while I am ecstatic that I have made it this far, I am truly at the end of my rope. When we first found out that we were having twins, other than recovering from the initial shock, we then became worried about the details of the pregnancy. We knew I would be high risk. But God help us, we never expected all of this. Lately I have trouble getting out of bed, knowing that an entire day awaits me. A day filled with vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and tears. Where I feel like my body and mind are no longer my own. Where my thoughts are no longer lucid and my movements are scripted in slow motion. I cannot begin to explain the effects of the medication. I cannot begin to describe the loneliness and desperation that I feel as each day passes. My days revolve around medicine. Medicine that causes me to shake so badly I can't even hold a pen to write anymore. Medicine that causes such severe nausea that I don't want to eat. Medicine that puts me in such a mental stupor I can't determine reality from dreaming. This was not what we had expected. We knew the road would be hard, but this road, this damn road is trying to kill me. I do not know if I can take it much longer. My spirit has sunk to the bottom of my soul, and I have lost sight on what this fight is for. At this point, the concept of the boys is so far from my mind. So far because I am enveloped in a world of despair. My God, I am tired. There is a song that I like and I keep playing it. Again and again. Hoping that maybe He will answer me in some way and pull me through, because I am quickly sinking.

Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
that you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again
I say Amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
and I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
and you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I cry
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

A little Update

This post will be fairly short, as I am still in hospital and the medicine makes me very groggy. The boys look good. We have a BPP, (biophysical profile) every other day. The boys aced their first exams. In fact, much to the shock of all around, these boys are HUGE! They are weighing in at 4lbs 2oz and 5lbs 2oz! And while that is great that they are so big, it doesn't mean that their lungs are mature yet. So we wait. I get medicine to stop the contractions around the clock. The medicine is toxic. It puts me in a fog. I have swollen to twice my size and now have to put a compression device on my legs to aid in circulation. Without a doubt, this is the hardest road I've ever walked down. I have moments of complete desperation where I don't think I can make it one more day. I am so tired. So drained. So uncomfortable. This was not what I had bargained for. But that's life, huh? You never get what you expected. I want to thank everyone for their prayers, especially Anne Gibbs and Susanne Bach. You both continue to lift me up and my boys. One day, I hope to repay the favor.

In the midst of all this excitement, we have another little announcement. Refer to picture below :)

A Little Detour

This past weekend I was not feeling well.I couldn't get comfortable. My back pain was ridiculous. Enough to take my breath away. And then my stomach felt as if it had a vise wrapped around it. Squeezing the babies. I took a bath. That didn't work. I called Chris, who then called the doctor. There was no hesitation in his voice, we needed to come directly to the hospital. I didn't want to go. At all. What if I was just being a pansy? And it was all false labor? I was terrified of crying wolf. I told Chris not to bring a thing. No bags, no cameras, for I was convinced we would be going home. I was wrong. I was in labor. As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors, things started happening really quickly. I was admitted, not for the day, but indefinitely. I was started on continuous monitoring of the babies. I was given more meds than I ever could have imagined. And the meds would continue to appear round the clock every two hours. I was poked, prodded, stabbed. And then told to relax. I moved to a more permanent room. And just as I was starting to close my eyes,a neonatologist walks in. For my consult. Something I had never pictured in my pregnancy. A neonatologist talking to me about preterm delivery and the risks associated with it. And that is when I started crying. I'd like to say that my tears are dried up. That I no longer cry, but that is a lie. Between the uncertainty of being here and the side effects of the medications, I can't stop crying. The medications feel toxic to my body. I can't keep my eyes open, yet if I close them I become nauseated and the world begins to spin in the dark. We have refused visitors of any kind. Only my parents and sister are allowed to come through these doors. And while many may question our decision, we stand by it. This decision doesn't involve anyone but me and my husband. I am terrified and more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life. And there is only one person that I want beside me. My husband, my best friend. Someone who knows me for the better and during this time of worse. Someone who will hold my hand while the medicine makes me shake so badly my teeth begin to chatter. Someone who will sleep beside me on a chair made for a dwarf and never complain about his back hurting. Someone who will lift me up on the bedpan because my bathroom privileges were taken away, and still look at me with awe and wonder. And love. He is the only person I need right now. When he walks into the room, I am at peace. For I can simply be myself, no questions asked, no explanations needed. I lie my head down on his chest and with his heartbeat in my ear, I am able to sleep.
We don't know what tomorrow will bring. If I will be able to be at home or if I will still be here. It's up to my uterus, apparently. And with your prayers and support, we remain comforted.
I will try to update as frequently as information comes in :)

31 weeks!

Happy New Year! I had the best intentions for this post, to write about all of our blessings and what this New Year has in store for us. But honestly, I am exhausted. The medications are taking their toll on me. Every six hours round the clock I am taking pills. The side effects are terrible. I had an allergic reaction to the injection on New Year's. Over the weekend I developed a cold, which led me to an antibiotic, which led to a yeast infection. I know I shouldn't complain. I have neared the finish line. At times, I can almost feel the weight of them in my arms. I call them by name now. I play music for them. I read to them. I am blessed. But this journey has been the hardest physical and emotional journey I have ever been on. It has brought me to my knees. Begging for my own sanity. Pleading for their survival. Wishing for yet one more day. I know pregnancy is not supposed to be easy. Yet I never expected all of this. But would I do it again? When I look into the eyes of my children, realizing the losses it took to get me to this point, to have both my arms and heart full. There will be no hesitation. I would do it again and again.