Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
An early 23 months
This is the last month that I can mention months when referring to the babies. Nobody will want to hear they are 27 months, 31 months, etc. And that makes me sad. I honestly don't know where the time has gone. It takes my breath away to think that next month I will have two year olds! I have become quite nostalgic this month, looking at pictures from last Christmas. They weren't walking yet, they were barely crawling...and they looked so little. So much like babies. I try hard to remember that time, but at times it seems so distant. When I look at them now, it's hard to believe that they were ever immobile. That we were ever concerned about their walking. Because they are everywhere.
Beckett: you don't stop talking. From the minute you wake up in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow, you are talking. Whatever is on your mind, you speak it. You don't internalize anything. If we are walking and you see a truck, "big truck. wow. big truck. oh no truck" is said over and over again until something else interests you. Your vocabulary is immense. And your memory blows me away. Sometimes I think I am raising a genius...but which mother doesn't? Right now you are really into showing something. For instance, if I give you something you have to go "show Blakey, show daddy, show Zoey." You also are saying "hi" and waving anytime we enter a room. And your sweet voice makes me laugh out loud. You have been sick this month. A cough, runny nose, watery eyes...and you refuse to take your medicine. It takes both of us to hold you down and get it in your mouth. Swallowing is a whole other issue. Blake has been sick too and has required respiratory treatments. So you will turn his nebulizer on and say, "Blakey treatment." But if I ask you if you want a treatment, you vehemently shake your head no. You are so serious. And your expressions are priceless. You will use your eyebrows to enhance whatever you are trying to get across and I can't help but laugh. You love to cuddle, especially in the morning when I get you out of the crib. You lay your head on my shoulder and we just stand there in the nursery. You are a fairly good eater, except when you throw your food:( and we are quickly learning the repercussions of that. This week at Mother's Day Out, you were bitten by another little boy. And you couldn't get over it. You wanted to show everybody that somebody "bit you." You are fascinated with all things that are on wheels still. You are still very sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily. Especially by Blakey. If he takes something, you automatically say, "Blakey share," and then begin to cry. You are a great sleeper and are finally getting better about waking up. Like your daddy, you do not enjoy being awakened. You have become frustrated with staying at home lately. Whenever I pick you up you say, "go bye bye." Also the way you say yes makes me laugh out loud. It's just more of an affirmative grunt. Almost as if it's too much effort to add the "s" to the end of the word. You still adore Zoey and will become very angry if she doesn't follow your command. I wish I could capture everything you ever say on an audio tape. Because I love love your voice. You are such an independent headstrong little one. Yet you really still love to be held. And I certainly cater to that. You will walk up to me, put your arms out, and say "hold you." And I do, every time. Because I know that one day, much too soon, that will end. Your momma loves you Bucket! Blake: you have been busy. This month you finally came out of your mute shell. You had surgery on the 12th and the very next day...you began to speak. I was so nervous for your surgery. I questioned our decision a hundred times. But now, watching you, hearing you, I know we did the right thing. You were a rock star by the way. You never complained about not being able to eat before surgery. And afterwards you only whimpered because you wear so tired. You amazed me with your threshold for pain. Truly, one would never know you had surgery, you kept on smiling. And now you talk! It's amazing to hear your little voice. It still has the flat sound to it and you don't pronounce many sounds, but you are trying. You are finally repeating words!! And tonight you said up your first three word sentence,"sit down momma!" You are still in love with balls. So in love that if you spot one and I don't grab it for you, you scream. So, whether good or bad, I give in to you. You are such a sturdy little guy. You walk and run with such confidence. When you run, you swing your little arms Nd you have such a fierce look of determination on your face. You still love to eat but are a much pickier eater than your brother. You don't like fruit snacks?! How can that be? You are so funny....and you know you are funny. And you will work the room to make us laugh. This month we have been singing Christmas songs and you love them. All of a sudden, you will start singing Twinkle Twinke Christmas Star. Your sweet little voice makes my heart smile. You are such a patient baby, but lately you are voicing your opinion more. And you want me, a lot. You want to be carried everywhere. And from the moment I sit down, you want to be in my lap. If not in my lap, you want to push me down so that you can sit ON me;) You are so sweet in the mornings, all you want is to cuddle and watch Baby Einstein, you would sit with me for an hour, but your brother usually has other plans. Thisis the first month you are really standing up to your brother and fighting back. You used to let him take any toy for you...not anymore. Since your surgery you have become more confident. I feel as if I will be breaking up many brotherly battles in the near future;) You have been sick this month too. Yet you take both your medicine and your respiratory treatments like a champ. You have had a bad cough for two weeks, requiring us to give you nebukizer treatments daily. Your cough is worse at night...and so long after everybody else is asleep, your cough wakes me up and I stumble into the nursery, pick you up and give you a treatment. And you just let me rock you. And I wish that the moment would last...but I know it will pass so I whisper into your ear just how much I love you.
Beckett: you don't stop talking. From the minute you wake up in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow, you are talking. Whatever is on your mind, you speak it. You don't internalize anything. If we are walking and you see a truck, "big truck. wow. big truck. oh no truck" is said over and over again until something else interests you. Your vocabulary is immense. And your memory blows me away. Sometimes I think I am raising a genius...but which mother doesn't? Right now you are really into showing something. For instance, if I give you something you have to go "show Blakey, show daddy, show Zoey." You also are saying "hi" and waving anytime we enter a room. And your sweet voice makes me laugh out loud. You have been sick this month. A cough, runny nose, watery eyes...and you refuse to take your medicine. It takes both of us to hold you down and get it in your mouth. Swallowing is a whole other issue. Blake has been sick too and has required respiratory treatments. So you will turn his nebulizer on and say, "Blakey treatment." But if I ask you if you want a treatment, you vehemently shake your head no. You are so serious. And your expressions are priceless. You will use your eyebrows to enhance whatever you are trying to get across and I can't help but laugh. You love to cuddle, especially in the morning when I get you out of the crib. You lay your head on my shoulder and we just stand there in the nursery. You are a fairly good eater, except when you throw your food:( and we are quickly learning the repercussions of that. This week at Mother's Day Out, you were bitten by another little boy. And you couldn't get over it. You wanted to show everybody that somebody "bit you." You are fascinated with all things that are on wheels still. You are still very sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily. Especially by Blakey. If he takes something, you automatically say, "Blakey share," and then begin to cry. You are a great sleeper and are finally getting better about waking up. Like your daddy, you do not enjoy being awakened. You have become frustrated with staying at home lately. Whenever I pick you up you say, "go bye bye." Also the way you say yes makes me laugh out loud. It's just more of an affirmative grunt. Almost as if it's too much effort to add the "s" to the end of the word. You still adore Zoey and will become very angry if she doesn't follow your command. I wish I could capture everything you ever say on an audio tape. Because I love love your voice. You are such an independent headstrong little one. Yet you really still love to be held. And I certainly cater to that. You will walk up to me, put your arms out, and say "hold you." And I do, every time. Because I know that one day, much too soon, that will end. Your momma loves you Bucket! Blake: you have been busy. This month you finally came out of your mute shell. You had surgery on the 12th and the very next day...you began to speak. I was so nervous for your surgery. I questioned our decision a hundred times. But now, watching you, hearing you, I know we did the right thing. You were a rock star by the way. You never complained about not being able to eat before surgery. And afterwards you only whimpered because you wear so tired. You amazed me with your threshold for pain. Truly, one would never know you had surgery, you kept on smiling. And now you talk! It's amazing to hear your little voice. It still has the flat sound to it and you don't pronounce many sounds, but you are trying. You are finally repeating words!! And tonight you said up your first three word sentence,"sit down momma!" You are still in love with balls. So in love that if you spot one and I don't grab it for you, you scream. So, whether good or bad, I give in to you. You are such a sturdy little guy. You walk and run with such confidence. When you run, you swing your little arms Nd you have such a fierce look of determination on your face. You still love to eat but are a much pickier eater than your brother. You don't like fruit snacks?! How can that be? You are so funny....and you know you are funny. And you will work the room to make us laugh. This month we have been singing Christmas songs and you love them. All of a sudden, you will start singing Twinkle Twinke Christmas Star. Your sweet little voice makes my heart smile. You are such a patient baby, but lately you are voicing your opinion more. And you want me, a lot. You want to be carried everywhere. And from the moment I sit down, you want to be in my lap. If not in my lap, you want to push me down so that you can sit ON me;) You are so sweet in the mornings, all you want is to cuddle and watch Baby Einstein, you would sit with me for an hour, but your brother usually has other plans. Thisis the first month you are really standing up to your brother and fighting back. You used to let him take any toy for you...not anymore. Since your surgery you have become more confident. I feel as if I will be breaking up many brotherly battles in the near future;) You have been sick this month too. Yet you take both your medicine and your respiratory treatments like a champ. You have had a bad cough for two weeks, requiring us to give you nebukizer treatments daily. Your cough is worse at night...and so long after everybody else is asleep, your cough wakes me up and I stumble into the nursery, pick you up and give you a treatment. And you just let me rock you. And I wish that the moment would last...but I know it will pass so I whisper into your ear just how much I love you.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Today
Today I have been watching the television, unable to process the horrors of the school shooting in Connecticut. It is something so large, so heinous, so sorrowful that my mind literally cannot process all the grief that that community is enduring. Especially the parents of the children that died. I cannot begin to imagine their shock, their disbelief, their anger, their sorrow. I cannot imagine what it would be like to get that call. Frantic. Pleading with God, begging Him to spare your child. Your baby. Making rash promises.....to never gossip again, to eat more healthy, to have more patience with others...if only you could hold your child once again in your arms. And then to arrive and realize your prayers were not answered. Your arms are empty. Your heart is not broken, but has rather stopped. During tragedy, people turn to their faith. But what if your faith is destroyed? What if everything you ever believed in died with the last breath your child took? I don't know. I am so grateful that I am not in that position. I am so grateful I could cry. Yet I know that these babies that I love are not mine. They are His. He gave them to me. For my joy. This unbelievable insurmountable joy. The greatest joy of my life. What if tomorrow never came with them? What then? I don't know. I hope to never know. I hope that my sons outlive me, that's how it should be. But would I trust Him still? If my arms were empty? I hope so. For the joy I've had the past two years has been greater than any thing I could have imagined. And I would have rather held them briefly than never at all.
May God bless those that have died and embrace those that have survived.
And may violence be something that our children only read about as they sit safely in their schools.
May God bless those that have died and embrace those that have survived.
And may violence be something that our children only read about as they sit safely in their schools.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
22 months
Once again the month is over. Time carried more quickly than the leaves that fall from the trees outside my window. The holidays are here. Arriving both abruptly and unexpectedly. For as soon as the Halloween decorations come down...the stores bring forth the garland. Yet how can it be that Christmas is already upon us again? That this is going to be my babies' second Christmas? Our weeks are busy and the days pass quickly. Too quickly. It's not as if I am not exhausted by the end of the day, because I am, it's just that after bath time and prayers...I wonder where the time went. And I can't help but wonder that if in that given day I did enough. Certainly they are fed and changed. But did I teach them? Did I treasure them. Did I love them...enough? Because I do. I love them with every beat of my heart.
Beckett: You walk everywhere. And you are so deliberate in your walking. You walk with purpose. You might not always know where you are going, but you go with intent. It makes me laugh. You have such a look of concentration on your face. And sometimes you will put your hands behind your back and walk like a little old man, with your eyebrows raised. You talk more than any baby I know. Your thoughts are an open book. Whatever happens to be on your mind...is said aloud. Your vocabulary amazes me. One of my favorite things that you say is "cut grass." Every time you see a lawn truck you say this phrase. We put up the Christmas tree yesterday while you were napping. When you came down the steps you were in awe. And you said, "pretty tree." And I thought my heart would burst right there :) You love to read. You love pointing out objects in books and telling me all about them. You love the TV remote and will obsess about it until it is in your hands. You will repeat, "remote, remote, remote" until I give it to you. You still love your Zoey. Every time we leave the house you say, "bye ZoZo." And she is the first thing you look for when we come back home. Your eating is okay. You don't like vegetables, but you like fruit. And you love chicken. Any time we pass Chick Fil A you say, "chicky chicky." You are still as stubborn as an ox. This month has been a little trying with discipline. You are asserting both your opinion and your independence. And sometimes....we clash heads. This is a story that is just beginning. I have no doubt...that "time out" is in our future;) You are beginning to accept going to Mother's Day Out, which makes me very happy. You are still a sensitive little one and need frequent encouragement, but you are learning to get back up when you fall down. You love your daddy and are still your mommy's biggest fan. And she is yours :) Anytime I leave, I can hear you saying, "mommy come back, mommy come back." And of course, I always do.
Blake: You are a runner. And you are hilarious when you run. You put your head down and you make yourself have a double chin. Your arms are swinging and you are laughing. You are goofy. Life to you is funny. You are such an easy going baby. Unless somebody takes your ball. I swear that you are going to be a ball player. Nothing makes you happier than having a ball. At this point you don't have a preference. A football, basketball, soccer ball....you don't care. When a ball is in your hand, you are so animated. Maybe you will retire your parents one day. Your eating is okay. This month you have become addicted to both ice cream and apple juice. You have always loved them both...but now you crave them:) You will not try vegetables. But you love to dip. If we are eating you say, "eep," and you want ketchup or queso or mustard. It makes me laugh. You are talking now. Finally you say "mommy." But your enunciation is not good. You can't pronounce many words. And your voice is monotone is sound sometimes. We have taken you to the Heuser Hearing Institute several times. Every time you fail. Your tympanogram is always flat. So finally this month we decided to do something about it. You will be getting tubes in your ears, which isn't such a big deal...but there is more to it than that. Your eyes have always leaked. Tears periodically stream down your face when you are not crying. You have lacrimal duct stenosis. So...while you are getting ear tubes, an ophthalmologist will be taking a nasolacramil cannulae to your tear ducts and opening the narrowing. And finally you are tongue tied. So in addition to your ears and eyes, your frenelum will be clipped. And that is the scary part. The doctor wants a secure airway, so they will be intubating you. In other words, you will be under general anesthesia. And that makes your momma a nervous wreck. We haven't picked a date yet because we are waiting on all the doctors to coordinate the schedules. Hopefully after this, you will talk :) You still love Signing Times and Baby Einstein. You are quite the cuddler. If I am sitting down, you will come over to sit in my lap. Yet you are very content to play by yourself. You still do not love Mother's Day Out. And I worry about leaving you there....in fact, I still pick you both up thirty minutes early. You love water. You become a prune when sitting in the tub. You don't want to get out...EVER. You think you are funny. And that is funny. I love watching you try to play a joke on me. Every night when we say prayers, whoever is holding you gets extra cuddles. Because you love to wrap your chubby arms around our necks and lay your head down on our shoulder. And it is then that I understand just what grace is :)
Blake: You are a runner. And you are hilarious when you run. You put your head down and you make yourself have a double chin. Your arms are swinging and you are laughing. You are goofy. Life to you is funny. You are such an easy going baby. Unless somebody takes your ball. I swear that you are going to be a ball player. Nothing makes you happier than having a ball. At this point you don't have a preference. A football, basketball, soccer ball....you don't care. When a ball is in your hand, you are so animated. Maybe you will retire your parents one day. Your eating is okay. This month you have become addicted to both ice cream and apple juice. You have always loved them both...but now you crave them:) You will not try vegetables. But you love to dip. If we are eating you say, "eep," and you want ketchup or queso or mustard. It makes me laugh. You are talking now. Finally you say "mommy." But your enunciation is not good. You can't pronounce many words. And your voice is monotone is sound sometimes. We have taken you to the Heuser Hearing Institute several times. Every time you fail. Your tympanogram is always flat. So finally this month we decided to do something about it. You will be getting tubes in your ears, which isn't such a big deal...but there is more to it than that. Your eyes have always leaked. Tears periodically stream down your face when you are not crying. You have lacrimal duct stenosis. So...while you are getting ear tubes, an ophthalmologist will be taking a nasolacramil cannulae to your tear ducts and opening the narrowing. And finally you are tongue tied. So in addition to your ears and eyes, your frenelum will be clipped. And that is the scary part. The doctor wants a secure airway, so they will be intubating you. In other words, you will be under general anesthesia. And that makes your momma a nervous wreck. We haven't picked a date yet because we are waiting on all the doctors to coordinate the schedules. Hopefully after this, you will talk :) You still love Signing Times and Baby Einstein. You are quite the cuddler. If I am sitting down, you will come over to sit in my lap. Yet you are very content to play by yourself. You still do not love Mother's Day Out. And I worry about leaving you there....in fact, I still pick you both up thirty minutes early. You love water. You become a prune when sitting in the tub. You don't want to get out...EVER. You think you are funny. And that is funny. I love watching you try to play a joke on me. Every night when we say prayers, whoever is holding you gets extra cuddles. Because you love to wrap your chubby arms around our necks and lay your head down on our shoulder. And it is then that I understand just what grace is :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
21 months
This month has flown by. The weather has been warm, but with the crisp air and vibrant colors of fall. We have spent most every day outside. We pick up lunch and head to a park, ( is it bad that the Wendy's drive thru lady knows the boys)? But the boys love to be outside. And I have come to love it as well, not the fascination with bugs and dirt yet. But nonetheless being outside makes everybody happy. Some afternoons when we are just sitting there on our picnic blanket, while the sun warms us and the squeals of laughter from other children surrounds us, I take a deep breath and just inhale the moment. For I know it is fleeting. And that moment is everything I ever wanted, yet never believed that I could have. Grace abounds, and I am blessed.
Beckett: this month has been BIG for you! You are a walker!!!! Suddenly you are upright. And the world is so much bigger to you now. You love your new freedom. And you don't just walk, you run. You have the most intense look of concentration on your face. Your arms are out to the side for balance and you smile a coy smile as you run past me, saying "run run." we are so proud of you.
Your vocabulary is expanding daily. Just today you said, "Go outside Peggy." That's a big sentence!!
You memory amazes me. I will point something out once and you remember it. For example we walked past a puddle one day and the next day the water had dried up, but you pointed to where it was and said water. You are signing a lot now too. Probably because you love to watch Signing Time! You have become very opinionated. If you don't want something you vehemently shake your head no. You love pizza! You will ask for it at every meal:) just like your momma. You love love love animals. At a party you couldn't get enough of this kitten. You picked it up by its neck, ( which amazingly it allowed you to do) and carried it around all night. You were so proud of yourself. You love all things Halloween. Anytime we see a pumpkin, a ghost, a witch you say "spooky" and want to go touch it. I wish that I could record your little voice each time, because it makes me laugh;) you are doing much better with the Mother's Day Out program. You don't scream anymore and the teachers tell me that you were a good boy. Your grandparents came for a visit this month and they thought you were extraordinary! Especially when you said "grandpa or grandma" Of course you loved them too. This month you graduated from physical therapy!!!! You are becoming such a big boy in so many ways, but you are still a baby in others. Especially when you walk over to me, say "sit down" and crawl up and into my lap.
Blake: this month you are off and running. You are so sure of your little legs now. You rarely fall. You just GO! And when you run, you swing your little arms to the side and have this funny proud grin on your face that makes me laugh. This month has been rough for you though. Asthma has knocked you out again. And it makes me so sad for you. Yet you are a trooper. When it's time for a treatment, you will go get your mask and bring it to me, and sit on my lap while the nebulizer runs. It's during those few minutes that I whisper into your ear just how brave you are and how very much I love you:) You are signing all the time. Using more signs than I know. I can't keep up with you. But you are also beginning to talk more. And I love your nasally, if a bit high pitched little voice. It sounds 100% innocent. We can ask you most anything and you will say, "yea." Blake, do you want a cookie? Yea! Blake do want a spanking? Yea! Unless we ask you if you want to go see the horses, then you firmly shake your head NO! You still have a love for balls. Whenever we are at a park and other kids are playing ball, I watch your face. You just stand there, entranced. Wanting so badly to play, to be big. And most of the time your momma interrupts the game and asks nicely if you can have a turn. If I could, I would give you the moon;) You have become more of a picky eater this month. You used to love breakfast but now you could do without. You are still not a fan of Mother's Day Out. Once you get there you do ok, but you still scream your bloody head off when I drop you off. You do not love the spooky Halloween decorations. In fact, when we are walking past them, you will try to climb out of your stroller to get away from them. And as soon as we have passed them, you are frantically waiving "bye bye." You have just learned how to pretend cry. And you think it's hilarious. You will walk up to either me or Chris and tell us to cry... Then you mimic us and laugh. You loved having grandpa and grandma here. And they loved watching you sign their names;) Despite you being sick, I loved this month. I often wish that there was a camera following me around so that your days could forever be captured.
Beckett: this month has been BIG for you! You are a walker!!!! Suddenly you are upright. And the world is so much bigger to you now. You love your new freedom. And you don't just walk, you run. You have the most intense look of concentration on your face. Your arms are out to the side for balance and you smile a coy smile as you run past me, saying "run run." we are so proud of you.
Your vocabulary is expanding daily. Just today you said, "Go outside Peggy." That's a big sentence!!
You memory amazes me. I will point something out once and you remember it. For example we walked past a puddle one day and the next day the water had dried up, but you pointed to where it was and said water. You are signing a lot now too. Probably because you love to watch Signing Time! You have become very opinionated. If you don't want something you vehemently shake your head no. You love pizza! You will ask for it at every meal:) just like your momma. You love love love animals. At a party you couldn't get enough of this kitten. You picked it up by its neck, ( which amazingly it allowed you to do) and carried it around all night. You were so proud of yourself. You love all things Halloween. Anytime we see a pumpkin, a ghost, a witch you say "spooky" and want to go touch it. I wish that I could record your little voice each time, because it makes me laugh;) you are doing much better with the Mother's Day Out program. You don't scream anymore and the teachers tell me that you were a good boy. Your grandparents came for a visit this month and they thought you were extraordinary! Especially when you said "grandpa or grandma" Of course you loved them too. This month you graduated from physical therapy!!!! You are becoming such a big boy in so many ways, but you are still a baby in others. Especially when you walk over to me, say "sit down" and crawl up and into my lap.
Blake: this month you are off and running. You are so sure of your little legs now. You rarely fall. You just GO! And when you run, you swing your little arms to the side and have this funny proud grin on your face that makes me laugh. This month has been rough for you though. Asthma has knocked you out again. And it makes me so sad for you. Yet you are a trooper. When it's time for a treatment, you will go get your mask and bring it to me, and sit on my lap while the nebulizer runs. It's during those few minutes that I whisper into your ear just how brave you are and how very much I love you:) You are signing all the time. Using more signs than I know. I can't keep up with you. But you are also beginning to talk more. And I love your nasally, if a bit high pitched little voice. It sounds 100% innocent. We can ask you most anything and you will say, "yea." Blake, do you want a cookie? Yea! Blake do want a spanking? Yea! Unless we ask you if you want to go see the horses, then you firmly shake your head NO! You still have a love for balls. Whenever we are at a park and other kids are playing ball, I watch your face. You just stand there, entranced. Wanting so badly to play, to be big. And most of the time your momma interrupts the game and asks nicely if you can have a turn. If I could, I would give you the moon;) You have become more of a picky eater this month. You used to love breakfast but now you could do without. You are still not a fan of Mother's Day Out. Once you get there you do ok, but you still scream your bloody head off when I drop you off. You do not love the spooky Halloween decorations. In fact, when we are walking past them, you will try to climb out of your stroller to get away from them. And as soon as we have passed them, you are frantically waiving "bye bye." You have just learned how to pretend cry. And you think it's hilarious. You will walk up to either me or Chris and tell us to cry... Then you mimic us and laugh. You loved having grandpa and grandma here. And they loved watching you sign their names;) Despite you being sick, I loved this month. I often wish that there was a camera following me around so that your days could forever be captured.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
20 months
It's late. I should be in bed. In fact my eyes are burning from staring at the computer...the blank screen. Tomorrow is a big day. A really BIG day. I have enrolled the babies in a Mother's Day Out program. It's one morning a week. Only one morning a week. Yet on this night, the night before, I feel as if I am preparing for a landslide...of guilt. I am a guilt ridden person. To some extent, it is my motivator. Certainly my enabler. For the past six months I have flirted with the idea of the boys going to this program...yet I always procrastinated. There was always an excuse. The biggest one being the fact that if I am a stay at home mom, what the hell am I doing sending my kids away? What kind of mom does that make me? It makes me human. I have prayed about this decision. Seriously, down on my knees. I have accepted the guilt and then denied it. Crushed it. Because there is no room for guilt in this house. There is no one (or two) greater thing in my life than my children. I believe that they were both my salvation. Being that they saved me from myself. Mothering them is the greatest honor I have ever been given. Everyday with them is a privilege, a gift. And I am blessed to be able to open that package. But there are moments, when I long for the freedom of me. And maybe that's selfish, but just maybe it's honest. I will never go back to who I was before them. Not only because I don't want to, but quite simply she doesn't exist anymore. My life is so entwined with these souls, as if I am the tree and they are the ivy wrapped around me. I am so much more now, because of them. They have colored every page in my book. But I would like a book all to myself. One where only I draw the lines. I know this might not make any sense at all. I know that I may come across as a selfish person and horrible momma. But I don't care. Motherhood does that. It doesn't leave room for petty judgement. So here's the thing: tomorrow they are going to "school" and while I know I will cry when I leave them, and that Guilt will be knocking loudly on my conscience, I am going to restore me.
And maybe by taking care of me....it will just so happen that I will be a better momma to them:)
Beckett: this month you have started walking more (finally)! You still prefer to scoot on your butt, but you are realizing that walking isn't so bad. You are talking your head off. You repeat everything we say. And I love hearing your voice. And you are so appropriate. For instance, anytime you climb stairs you say "up" and when you want to get off the couch you say "down." You are learning what animals say. We can ask you what a cow says and you say "moo." So clearly you are a GENIUS! This month you have started calling daddy, "Chris," which initially I thought was HILARIOUS! But now....a little awkward when we are out in public and Blake is saying daddy and you are saying Chris. Sometimes in the car, you will be singing to yourself. One of your favorite songs is 'Ring Around the Rosy" and from the front seat I will hear your little voice singing...."ashes ashes." You have started to "sign" now too. I guess you figured if Blake did it...so could you. You are still obsessed with cars, trucks, tractors, and buses. Yet if we actually sit you up on a tractor, you lose your ever lovin' mind. Your eating this month has not been great. Especially dinner. You are the most stubborn child. You will shake your head no and if I persist in trying to get you to eat, you begin screaming. You want to do everything by yourself. You are fascinated by locks or clips or tops or buttons. Anything that you can figure out how to open or shut occupies you for awhile. This month you have really discovered how to irritate your brother. Apparently pulling his hair is great fun. You still love to cuddle. You love your Zoey. You love your daddy. And your favorite place is still on my hip:)
Blake: you walk everywhere! And now you are almost running. It still blows my mind to see you standing upright. You have finally started talking. Not a lot, but definitely enough so that I understand you. Tonight you said your first sentence, "three cars." Your favorite word is juice. You will hang on the refrigerator door and say "juice" until I acknowledge you and grant you a cup. You are a signing fool. You probably know twenty signs. You still love balls (giye). Even your brother calls balls "giye" now. This month I bought you a baseball set, and instinctively you knew what to do with it. You love going for walks and pointing to EVERYTHING. Not content until I give you an answer. Your eating has been great, unless you are sick. This has been a rough month for you. Asthma kind of kicked your butt. But you are such an easygoing baby, you would just let me hold you while I gave you a treatment. Sometimes your imagination astounds me. You love to pretend. You pretend to feed your tractor some juice. Or if someone hands you a stuffed animal, you pretend to make animal noises. Where did you learn that?! You are really beginning to like videos. Especially "Signing Times and Baby Einstein." This month you have become a little more clingy and a little more opinionated. If you want something you will let me know....and if you don't get, you SCREAM. Your brother has been irritating you this month, and you usually just take it. (Which is so crazy because you could take him...as you weigh two pounds more than him). You like to play "happy feet." This month you were officially discharged from Neonatal Follow Up!!! You are a rockstar. You love love love your daddy. You think he hung the moon. But lately, you think my arms are the greatest, and will crawl right up into my lap and hug me. And time stops:)
And maybe by taking care of me....it will just so happen that I will be a better momma to them:)
Beckett: this month you have started walking more (finally)! You still prefer to scoot on your butt, but you are realizing that walking isn't so bad. You are talking your head off. You repeat everything we say. And I love hearing your voice. And you are so appropriate. For instance, anytime you climb stairs you say "up" and when you want to get off the couch you say "down." You are learning what animals say. We can ask you what a cow says and you say "moo." So clearly you are a GENIUS! This month you have started calling daddy, "Chris," which initially I thought was HILARIOUS! But now....a little awkward when we are out in public and Blake is saying daddy and you are saying Chris. Sometimes in the car, you will be singing to yourself. One of your favorite songs is 'Ring Around the Rosy" and from the front seat I will hear your little voice singing...."ashes ashes." You have started to "sign" now too. I guess you figured if Blake did it...so could you. You are still obsessed with cars, trucks, tractors, and buses. Yet if we actually sit you up on a tractor, you lose your ever lovin' mind. Your eating this month has not been great. Especially dinner. You are the most stubborn child. You will shake your head no and if I persist in trying to get you to eat, you begin screaming. You want to do everything by yourself. You are fascinated by locks or clips or tops or buttons. Anything that you can figure out how to open or shut occupies you for awhile. This month you have really discovered how to irritate your brother. Apparently pulling his hair is great fun. You still love to cuddle. You love your Zoey. You love your daddy. And your favorite place is still on my hip:)
Blake: you walk everywhere! And now you are almost running. It still blows my mind to see you standing upright. You have finally started talking. Not a lot, but definitely enough so that I understand you. Tonight you said your first sentence, "three cars." Your favorite word is juice. You will hang on the refrigerator door and say "juice" until I acknowledge you and grant you a cup. You are a signing fool. You probably know twenty signs. You still love balls (giye). Even your brother calls balls "giye" now. This month I bought you a baseball set, and instinctively you knew what to do with it. You love going for walks and pointing to EVERYTHING. Not content until I give you an answer. Your eating has been great, unless you are sick. This has been a rough month for you. Asthma kind of kicked your butt. But you are such an easygoing baby, you would just let me hold you while I gave you a treatment. Sometimes your imagination astounds me. You love to pretend. You pretend to feed your tractor some juice. Or if someone hands you a stuffed animal, you pretend to make animal noises. Where did you learn that?! You are really beginning to like videos. Especially "Signing Times and Baby Einstein." This month you have become a little more clingy and a little more opinionated. If you want something you will let me know....and if you don't get, you SCREAM. Your brother has been irritating you this month, and you usually just take it. (Which is so crazy because you could take him...as you weigh two pounds more than him). You like to play "happy feet." This month you were officially discharged from Neonatal Follow Up!!! You are a rockstar. You love love love your daddy. You think he hung the moon. But lately, you think my arms are the greatest, and will crawl right up into my lap and hug me. And time stops:)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
19 months
It's been awhile since I've posted. Almost a whole month. No reason...other than we've just been busy. And at the end of the day, after the babies are in bed I stretch out like a cat and read. I've become addicted to reading again. And it feels wonderful, as if I'm welcoming back a very good friend.
I can't quite believe that summer is winding down. When I walk outside in the mornings, the air is crisp and cool. And I know that with each new breeze, autumn is knocking at the door. I love summer. The frivolity of it. The spontaneity and the freedom. I used to dread the fall, knowing that winter was quickly approaching. Bringing with it the cold and isolation of staying inside because the minute you open the door the cold takes your breath away, filling your lungs with rock and leaving you to wonder if you even have fingertips anymore or if they succumbed to frostbite. But now....things are different. Life is a myriad of seasons. And I look forward to each one, simply because I see it so much more clearly through the eyes of my children. As one season passes, another one greets us with unexpected discoveries and insurmountable joy.
But....back to the babies :)
Beckett: you still refuse to walk. I know that you can, (you have taken 7 steps before) but you are so very efficient with your scoot. I reassure myself that you will be walking before you start kindergarten. You are still obsessed with trucks. You have a favorite blue truck that daddy got you and you will entertain yourself pushing the truck all around the house and in the yard. Even when we are riding in the car, you will shout from the backseat, "big truck" and sure enough there is a truck. You like airplanes and tractors too. When you see an airplane you say, "WOW!" You adore Zoey. She will let you climb all over her and sometimes when you are tired you lay your head down on her back. It melts me. You are really into books and flashcards. It amazed me how when we are reading you are able to point out objects using the correct word. Clearly I think you are a genius. Your appetite has been kind of poor this month. You don't really like eating breakfast or dinner anymore, but will devour your lunch. You love chocolate milk. And you know where mommy keeps the treats and you will hang yourself on the dining room table saying, "treat treat." You talk quite a bit. You repeat anything we ask you to say. You even said your first sentence, "Oh oh daddy." You are fascinated with all things HOT. Whether its food, the driveway, a candle....you become very animated and wrinkle your nose and say "hot."You still love going for walks. You are usually very quiet in the stroller, unless we see a truck or an airplane. You are a great sleeper and get really upset when your brother wakes you up. And you HATE waking up from your nap. You are a grouch:( You are still my sensitive and stubborn baby. You love your daddy and your favorite place is still in my arms.
Blake: Wow. What a month. You never really toddled. You scooted and now you walk. It was as if one morning you decided that you wanted to see the world from an upright position. And you never looked back. Determined little boy :) You still love balls. And you still call them "giye." I know I need to start correcting you more, but to be honest I love the way you say it. You don't talk a whole lot. But you are a signing fool. (We have therapy to thank for that.) :) Sometimes you start signing and I have absolutely no idea what you are saying. So now....I'm watching the signing videos. You love to point things out. Whenever we are on a walk you are constantly pointing at things, wanting me to name each of them. You love to swing. Everytime we pass a swing you say, "weeeeeeee" and I can't walk away without giving you a little push. If we pass a basketball goal you say, "yay!" I couldn't figure out where that came from until I realized that when we played ball with you and you made a goal, we all said, YAY!" You love love love the water. You don't mind if your face goes under or if somebody dumps a bucket of water on your head. You are a good eater, better than your brother. You will eat some vegetables. You love cheese, just like your momma. If something is hot, you blow on it. You are friendly to most everyone and you give the most adorable wave. You wave at everything, swings, airplanes, dogs, people, trucks. It makes me laugh. You are very good at entertaining yourself and just this month have become more interested in the television. You are an easygoing baby and still love to snuggle, especially before you go to bed and right after you wake up. You have just discovered that you are funny;) and you crack yourself up. You have learned to give kisses...and I just can't get enough.
I can't quite believe that summer is winding down. When I walk outside in the mornings, the air is crisp and cool. And I know that with each new breeze, autumn is knocking at the door. I love summer. The frivolity of it. The spontaneity and the freedom. I used to dread the fall, knowing that winter was quickly approaching. Bringing with it the cold and isolation of staying inside because the minute you open the door the cold takes your breath away, filling your lungs with rock and leaving you to wonder if you even have fingertips anymore or if they succumbed to frostbite. But now....things are different. Life is a myriad of seasons. And I look forward to each one, simply because I see it so much more clearly through the eyes of my children. As one season passes, another one greets us with unexpected discoveries and insurmountable joy.
But....back to the babies :)
Beckett: you still refuse to walk. I know that you can, (you have taken 7 steps before) but you are so very efficient with your scoot. I reassure myself that you will be walking before you start kindergarten. You are still obsessed with trucks. You have a favorite blue truck that daddy got you and you will entertain yourself pushing the truck all around the house and in the yard. Even when we are riding in the car, you will shout from the backseat, "big truck" and sure enough there is a truck. You like airplanes and tractors too. When you see an airplane you say, "WOW!" You adore Zoey. She will let you climb all over her and sometimes when you are tired you lay your head down on her back. It melts me. You are really into books and flashcards. It amazed me how when we are reading you are able to point out objects using the correct word. Clearly I think you are a genius. Your appetite has been kind of poor this month. You don't really like eating breakfast or dinner anymore, but will devour your lunch. You love chocolate milk. And you know where mommy keeps the treats and you will hang yourself on the dining room table saying, "treat treat." You talk quite a bit. You repeat anything we ask you to say. You even said your first sentence, "Oh oh daddy." You are fascinated with all things HOT. Whether its food, the driveway, a candle....you become very animated and wrinkle your nose and say "hot."You still love going for walks. You are usually very quiet in the stroller, unless we see a truck or an airplane. You are a great sleeper and get really upset when your brother wakes you up. And you HATE waking up from your nap. You are a grouch:( You are still my sensitive and stubborn baby. You love your daddy and your favorite place is still in my arms.
Blake: Wow. What a month. You never really toddled. You scooted and now you walk. It was as if one morning you decided that you wanted to see the world from an upright position. And you never looked back. Determined little boy :) You still love balls. And you still call them "giye." I know I need to start correcting you more, but to be honest I love the way you say it. You don't talk a whole lot. But you are a signing fool. (We have therapy to thank for that.) :) Sometimes you start signing and I have absolutely no idea what you are saying. So now....I'm watching the signing videos. You love to point things out. Whenever we are on a walk you are constantly pointing at things, wanting me to name each of them. You love to swing. Everytime we pass a swing you say, "weeeeeeee" and I can't walk away without giving you a little push. If we pass a basketball goal you say, "yay!" I couldn't figure out where that came from until I realized that when we played ball with you and you made a goal, we all said, YAY!" You love love love the water. You don't mind if your face goes under or if somebody dumps a bucket of water on your head. You are a good eater, better than your brother. You will eat some vegetables. You love cheese, just like your momma. If something is hot, you blow on it. You are friendly to most everyone and you give the most adorable wave. You wave at everything, swings, airplanes, dogs, people, trucks. It makes me laugh. You are very good at entertaining yourself and just this month have become more interested in the television. You are an easygoing baby and still love to snuggle, especially before you go to bed and right after you wake up. You have just discovered that you are funny;) and you crack yourself up. You have learned to give kisses...and I just can't get enough.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
a melancholy 18 months
It's late. I should be in bed, fast asleep. But sleep alludes me now. As yet another milestone approaches. A milestone that I am grateful for, yet wistful for what it leaves behind. Their babyhood. Their necessity of me. This has been a hard month for me. Pregnant with emotions, ranging from unabashed joy to overwhelming sadness. I have become acutely aware of my own mortality. Every ache, every twitch that I have had, has become something of epic proportions. And yet I know that there is nothing wrong with me. It's not that I am afraid of my death, but rather afraid of leaving the babies behind. These feeling are crazy, completely unfounded. But as my children grow stronger, my heart grows weaker. In the fact that they will face new adventures, adventures that won't necessarily involve their momma. And I know that as they walk away, my heart will be dragging behind them. Vulnerable, exposed.
This love that I have for them is so complicated. While I want them to reach every milestone in pursuit of the happiness that I believe He holds for them, I cannot help but be selfish in the fact that I want them with me. Encircled safely within my arms.
There are moments, hundreds throughout the day, when I stop to acknowledge the grace I have been given. Moments when one of the babies wraps his chubby hands around my neck and touches his nose to mine, and the world stops in that single instant. And my heart beats so strong that it echoes in my ears and I want to press pause. But life doesn't pause. Nor should it, for we would miss such great adventures.
It's not that I am longing for the days of infancy, but rather I want these moments, the ones that I am in right now to last forever. I wish that I had a camera that was constantly recording because I am so afraid that I will forget one day. So afraid that I will miss something. And I don't want to miss a single thing. This life is better than I imagined. The love that I have for them trumps everything. And I can't picture myself in any other moment than this one. But I know that the pages of our lives will continue to turn. And the next chapter will unfold, it's just that I wish that this chapter were a little longer.
Beckett:
this month you have started talking. A lot. You repeat most everything we ask you to. And when I hear your little voice, I can't help but giggle. It's adorable. You say "oh oh" at the most appropriate times. You are still in love with trucks. When you are in the car and you see a truck, you will say "wow. big truck." Clearly I think you are a genius. You like the word no. You use it mostly with your brother and Zoey. You love to play with my cell phone and get quite angry when I take it away. You really like the water and the pool. Your newest game is"jump jump," where you sit on the edge of the pool and catapult yourself into the water, waiting for us to catch you. A fun game in the water, not so much on the hardwood steps :(
You have learned to identify certain body parts: belly, nose, foot. You love love love cranberries. You are a climber, and that makes your momma nervous. You still love Zoey, and she loves you. You love your daddy. You are still super sensitive and very determined. This month you stood up for the first time and took your first two steps.
Blake:
this month, especially in the past week, you have really started walking. I will turn around and there you are. Standing up and walking toward me. And it completely blows me away. I am so proud of you. You've come a long way, baby. You still have an obsession with balls (giyes). You are not as verbal as your brother. You point to something and just grunt. However you sign very well. You can sign: more, all done, milk, bird, ball, and please. You like watching Baby Einstein. You can play well by yourself. You love the water and are not afraid to be dunked. Your big blue eyes just keep shining, regardless of the chlorine. You are very friendly and will wave to anybody. You like cheese, just like your momma. You have learned how to crawl both up and down the steps. You love playing with the neighbor's dog. And you love to swing. You will notice a playground from your car seat. You are a great mimic of gestures. You love to be chased by me or your daddy, and you find it hilarious when you get trapped into a corner. You are very easygoing, until your not. Once you get upset, it takes quite a bit to calm you down. You love to rock with your momma.
This love that I have for them is so complicated. While I want them to reach every milestone in pursuit of the happiness that I believe He holds for them, I cannot help but be selfish in the fact that I want them with me. Encircled safely within my arms.
There are moments, hundreds throughout the day, when I stop to acknowledge the grace I have been given. Moments when one of the babies wraps his chubby hands around my neck and touches his nose to mine, and the world stops in that single instant. And my heart beats so strong that it echoes in my ears and I want to press pause. But life doesn't pause. Nor should it, for we would miss such great adventures.
It's not that I am longing for the days of infancy, but rather I want these moments, the ones that I am in right now to last forever. I wish that I had a camera that was constantly recording because I am so afraid that I will forget one day. So afraid that I will miss something. And I don't want to miss a single thing. This life is better than I imagined. The love that I have for them trumps everything. And I can't picture myself in any other moment than this one. But I know that the pages of our lives will continue to turn. And the next chapter will unfold, it's just that I wish that this chapter were a little longer.
Beckett:
this month you have started talking. A lot. You repeat most everything we ask you to. And when I hear your little voice, I can't help but giggle. It's adorable. You say "oh oh" at the most appropriate times. You are still in love with trucks. When you are in the car and you see a truck, you will say "wow. big truck." Clearly I think you are a genius. You like the word no. You use it mostly with your brother and Zoey. You love to play with my cell phone and get quite angry when I take it away. You really like the water and the pool. Your newest game is"jump jump," where you sit on the edge of the pool and catapult yourself into the water, waiting for us to catch you. A fun game in the water, not so much on the hardwood steps :(
You have learned to identify certain body parts: belly, nose, foot. You love love love cranberries. You are a climber, and that makes your momma nervous. You still love Zoey, and she loves you. You love your daddy. You are still super sensitive and very determined. This month you stood up for the first time and took your first two steps.
Blake:
this month, especially in the past week, you have really started walking. I will turn around and there you are. Standing up and walking toward me. And it completely blows me away. I am so proud of you. You've come a long way, baby. You still have an obsession with balls (giyes). You are not as verbal as your brother. You point to something and just grunt. However you sign very well. You can sign: more, all done, milk, bird, ball, and please. You like watching Baby Einstein. You can play well by yourself. You love the water and are not afraid to be dunked. Your big blue eyes just keep shining, regardless of the chlorine. You are very friendly and will wave to anybody. You like cheese, just like your momma. You have learned how to crawl both up and down the steps. You love playing with the neighbor's dog. And you love to swing. You will notice a playground from your car seat. You are a great mimic of gestures. You love to be chased by me or your daddy, and you find it hilarious when you get trapped into a corner. You are very easygoing, until your not. Once you get upset, it takes quite a bit to calm you down. You love to rock with your momma.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
17 months
Wow. Where did June go? Didn't I just do their 16 month post? How does time pass so quickly? I found myself becoming hesitant with the babies. Fearful to welcome each new accomplishment of theirs. Reluctant to share in their triumphs, knowing that I would only witness their first step one time. Their first haircut one time. As each first was approaching I became overwhelmed, knowing that I would never get that moment back again. And then one night as I was putting them to bed and they curled their fingers around mine as their laughter tinkled like bells in my ears, I realized what a ride this is. And how blessed I am to be on it. The mere fact that I have been chosen, trusted to witness the miracle of their growth, humbles me and enchants me. The future is theirs...and I am privileged to be able to participate.
Beckett has begun talking much more. He will repeat words for us. His newest words are: flag, fish, pop, drive. And while he doesn't necessarily sound like a scholar, I understand him :) He still loves fruit, especially cranberries. His newest obsession is a toy truck that he can push around...all over the house. He has mastered climbing both up and down the steps, yet has no interest in walking. He has learned how to give kisses. He will lean his little face into mine, look into my eyes, give me that wide gap tooth grin and kiss me. He loves to sit in my car and "drive." He loves going to the pool, but prefers to be on my hip if he is in the water :-). He is teething and unfortunately he is getting all four of his molars in at the same time. This month he has become a little more independent. He will explore areas in the house, or play with toys by himself for a short time span before he comes looking for his momma, (who quickly scoops him up into her arms).
Blake has taken a few more steps. Seven steps to be exact. And he gets quite proud of himself. It is so shocking to me, when I walk back into the room and see him standing up. Just standing and grinning like the Cheshire cat. He is not nearly as vocal as Beckett, but he is very good at signing. He can sign: belly, milk, more, all done, up, and monkey. He still loves playing ball and will scream his bloody head off if he sees one and I don't get it for him. Just this past week, he has learned how to go up steps, but then he gets stuck, and can't get back down. He absolutely loves the water and will stick his face into any fountain :-) He loves to swing and will actually say, "wwwweeeeee" anytime we pass a swing. One of the funniest things that happened this month was when we were putting the babies to bed. Chris was holding a ball and Blake pointed to it and said his word for ball, "giye." Chris told him it was a BALL. They both argued their point back and forth until it was a screaming match. BALL versus GIYE. But Blake didn't back down. In fact, he won. Maybe he will be an attorney :-)
Beckett has begun talking much more. He will repeat words for us. His newest words are: flag, fish, pop, drive. And while he doesn't necessarily sound like a scholar, I understand him :) He still loves fruit, especially cranberries. His newest obsession is a toy truck that he can push around...all over the house. He has mastered climbing both up and down the steps, yet has no interest in walking. He has learned how to give kisses. He will lean his little face into mine, look into my eyes, give me that wide gap tooth grin and kiss me. He loves to sit in my car and "drive." He loves going to the pool, but prefers to be on my hip if he is in the water :-). He is teething and unfortunately he is getting all four of his molars in at the same time. This month he has become a little more independent. He will explore areas in the house, or play with toys by himself for a short time span before he comes looking for his momma, (who quickly scoops him up into her arms).
Blake has taken a few more steps. Seven steps to be exact. And he gets quite proud of himself. It is so shocking to me, when I walk back into the room and see him standing up. Just standing and grinning like the Cheshire cat. He is not nearly as vocal as Beckett, but he is very good at signing. He can sign: belly, milk, more, all done, up, and monkey. He still loves playing ball and will scream his bloody head off if he sees one and I don't get it for him. Just this past week, he has learned how to go up steps, but then he gets stuck, and can't get back down. He absolutely loves the water and will stick his face into any fountain :-) He loves to swing and will actually say, "wwwweeeeee" anytime we pass a swing. One of the funniest things that happened this month was when we were putting the babies to bed. Chris was holding a ball and Blake pointed to it and said his word for ball, "giye." Chris told him it was a BALL. They both argued their point back and forth until it was a screaming match. BALL versus GIYE. But Blake didn't back down. In fact, he won. Maybe he will be an attorney :-)
"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."
Abraham Lincoln
Monday, June 18, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
NICU Reunion
Saturday was the annual NICU reunion. It used to be an opportunity for me as a nurse to see the progress of the littles that I has taken care of when they were sick. Now....it's so much more. I get to show off my littles to the doctors and nurses that took care of them.
As a nurse, sometimes you make a connection with a family. A little over three years ago I took care of some teeny little girls. I fell in love with the girls....and their whole family:) And Saturday, I was able to see my boys with their girls. And it was....heartwarming.
As a nurse, sometimes you make a connection with a family. A little over three years ago I took care of some teeny little girls. I fell in love with the girls....and their whole family:) And Saturday, I was able to see my boys with their girls. And it was....heartwarming.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
16 months
Another months has come and gone. At our house....time flies. Babyhood is carried away leaving a sense of longing for what has passed, but a yearning for all that is yet to come.
At 16 months neither baby is walking. Yet they are able to get where they need to go. In fact, they are quick. And determined. And they are also developing tempers, (that must come from their daddy). If they are scooting in a certain direction, determined to get from A to B, and I come over and pick them up...they start screaming. LOUDLY! At first I thought it was funny, I'm not laughing anymore:)
Beckett:
This month Beckett has developed an obsession with wheels. And things that move. He will push a bus, a truck, a car around the house, out on the deck, or up the stairs until I take it away, (of which he voices his displeasure). He has begun to really cruise. Pulling up on all the furniture and moving from one end to the next. He is becoming much more vocal. And while I can't necessarily understand what he is saying, he certainly does and repeats himself again and again. He loves to ride in the wagon, stroller, or even the car. He just sits back and takes it all in. His appetite is growing a little more diverse. He is beginning to love all kinds of fruit, but his favorite food would still be an OREO ;0
He is smaller than Blake but nevertheless, the initiator. If Blake has something he wants, Beckett will take it right out of his hands. If Blake tries to get away, Beckett will do a sneak attack and pull Blake down by the collar of his shirt. He is still a better sleeper than his brother. And so determined. He is the most industrious driven baby....maybe he'll be an engineer :)
Blake:
This month Blake is still obsessed with balls. He can spot a ball a mile away. I will be holding him and he will be pointing and saying "giye." I look around and sure enough....there is a ball. He is cruising with confidence and will stand up on command. If we say, "Blakey, stand up," he will squat and then his chubby legs will straighten and he will stand. Not for long though, because he gets so proud of himself, his smile and laughter propel him either forward or backward. And he falls. He isn't that vocal. He will babble at times, but not like his brother. However he will sing if he hears music. He loves loves the water. And I am so excited for the summer and the pool :) His appetite is decent. He doesn't like vegetables, but will tolerate fruit. He is not a huge sweet eater, but absolutely loves chicken and meat.He is still super laid back, unless his brother is smacking him. Or he wants his momma or daddy. He is a great imitator. He will watch you do something and then repeat it. He is much more content to play by himself than his brother. He is becoming very coordinated and there are times I let myself dream that he will be a great NBA star :)
At 16 months neither baby is walking. Yet they are able to get where they need to go. In fact, they are quick. And determined. And they are also developing tempers, (that must come from their daddy). If they are scooting in a certain direction, determined to get from A to B, and I come over and pick them up...they start screaming. LOUDLY! At first I thought it was funny, I'm not laughing anymore:)
Beckett:
This month Beckett has developed an obsession with wheels. And things that move. He will push a bus, a truck, a car around the house, out on the deck, or up the stairs until I take it away, (of which he voices his displeasure). He has begun to really cruise. Pulling up on all the furniture and moving from one end to the next. He is becoming much more vocal. And while I can't necessarily understand what he is saying, he certainly does and repeats himself again and again. He loves to ride in the wagon, stroller, or even the car. He just sits back and takes it all in. His appetite is growing a little more diverse. He is beginning to love all kinds of fruit, but his favorite food would still be an OREO ;0
He is smaller than Blake but nevertheless, the initiator. If Blake has something he wants, Beckett will take it right out of his hands. If Blake tries to get away, Beckett will do a sneak attack and pull Blake down by the collar of his shirt. He is still a better sleeper than his brother. And so determined. He is the most industrious driven baby....maybe he'll be an engineer :)
Blake:
This month Blake is still obsessed with balls. He can spot a ball a mile away. I will be holding him and he will be pointing and saying "giye." I look around and sure enough....there is a ball. He is cruising with confidence and will stand up on command. If we say, "Blakey, stand up," he will squat and then his chubby legs will straighten and he will stand. Not for long though, because he gets so proud of himself, his smile and laughter propel him either forward or backward. And he falls. He isn't that vocal. He will babble at times, but not like his brother. However he will sing if he hears music. He loves loves the water. And I am so excited for the summer and the pool :) His appetite is decent. He doesn't like vegetables, but will tolerate fruit. He is not a huge sweet eater, but absolutely loves chicken and meat.He is still super laid back, unless his brother is smacking him. Or he wants his momma or daddy. He is a great imitator. He will watch you do something and then repeat it. He is much more content to play by himself than his brother. He is becoming very coordinated and there are times I let myself dream that he will be a great NBA star :)
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
I'll Have Another
Who doesn't love Derby? We don't usually go to the the track on Derby, it's much more economical fun to go to parties and cheer on the horses from the comfort of somebody else's couch. Where there is no need to find the perfect hat and at the end of the day my feet aren't hurting from the heels that I walked in for hours. That being said, each year we do get invited to a very big and fancy Derby party. The attire is formal, the food is delicious, and....the drinks are endless:) Last year was the very first time I had left the babies. I was so nervous. They were so little and I was in complete awe of their newness. Reluctant to leave them. EVER.
But we did. We left them with a college girl who lived down the street. Fast forward a year....
My boys love Bailey....and her whole family has become a part of ours.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
a really good day
For the past year, Blake has been involved in First Steps. It's an early intervention program for children with special needs. Blake qualified for both occupational and physical therapy. Occupational therapy focuses on fine motor skills, ie: feeding yourself, holding two toys at the same time, stacking blocks. While physical therapy focuses on gross motor skills, ie: rolling, sitting, crawling, walking. Back in January we had an evaluation to determine whether or not Blake still needed both therapies. He did. However, our occupational therapy was decreased from twice a month to monthly. I was ecstatic. Blake had occupational therapy today with Miss Kim. We love Miss Kim. Therapy went well. Actually, he rocked it out. Not only was he stacking two blocks, he could stack three. Oh...and puzzles, well he could put a square back into its place (which is a 21 month old skill)! So as therapy was winding down and Miss Kim was packing her bags to leave, she turned around nonchalant and said she needed to tell me something. What?! I felt panic begin to lodge in the back of my throat. But Miss Kim, took my hands in hers and said, "Well, I don't think there's anything else I can do for Blake. I'm discharging him. Keep up the good work." Then she gave me a hug and kiss, while tears poured from my eyes. And just like that....he graduated. One chapter is completed, but oh, how I can't wait to see how the rest of the book unfolds.
Did you ever notice how much more beautiful the sunshine is after a storm?
We are SO blessed.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
15 months
And today...he walked. Blake. His little feet took two small steps and my heart took one giant leap. It happened during therapy. We were at a gym and I had gone to change Beckett and was walking back into the play area when through the windows...I saw. And I cannot begin to put into words the myriad of emotions that flooded my senses in that single moment. Time stood still. In fact, the world ceased to spin when I saw his feet move. I wanted to run into that room, scream at the top of my lungs that my boy did it! He did it! For so long, so very long, we doubted. As I reread over his initial prognosis, the one that I keep tucked away in a drawer so as not to be reminded of those dark days, I realize that we were not the only ones that doubted. There are scary words littering the page: delayed; sensory and tactile overstimulation; hearing impaired; cerebral palsy. Words that can not only devastate, but define. I haven't looked at that paper since his initial evaluation. Until today. When I saw my boy take two steps. And while he may just be getting his footing in this world, as I walked back into that play area, I acknowledge the fact that I could be losing mine. For the past 15 months, I have been his advocate. His most valiant fan. His champion. And now I see, that he will not need me, for he will triumph on his own. And so I walked back in, willing the tears not to fall, and scooped him up. Held him close to me. Inhaled the scent that is Blake. And I whispered into his ear, "You did it, son."
And the weak shall be strong.
Beckett: 21 lbs (25% in weight)
28.5 inches (3% in height)
You are still very sensitive. You cry easily, but laugh more. You are a great sleeper and get somewhat annoyed when Blake wakes you up. You are becoming a much better eater. Just the other day you tried cranberries and loved them. You are very industrious. Everyplace you go, you go with purpose. Your little body scoots (quickly) all over the house determined to get from A to B. You are a great climber. You have mastered going up the stairs. Once at the top, you will turn around and holler as if to say, "Look at me!" You are nowhere near walking. Your scoot is very efficient for you and if you aren't scooting, you want to be held. You love to be outside. You are very content to scoot around the deck or crawl up the stairs and watch the airplanes. You love Zoey. You will scoot right up to her and offer her your face and wait for her to kiss you. You are very serious. And very intense. You have the cutest gap between your two front teeth and you still have a dimple in your left cheek. You are beginning to find out that you can be funny, and so you repeat over and over again whatever it is that makes me laugh. You love to push things. Anything with wheels doesn't stand a chance against you. You will push and scoot and push and scoot until your mother makes you stop. You get frustrated easily and it breaks my heart. I so badly want to be able to just "do it" for you, but at the same time I like watching your little brain work to figure something out. You love books. You will sit on the floor with an open book and just babble. (I like to imagine that you will become a great novelist one day). You can say, "Zoey, wow, momma, daddy,oh oh and no." Sometimes I look at you and can't believe that you are turning into a toddler, but for now I will relish in the fact that your favorite place to be is still in my arms.
Blake: 23.2 lbs (50% in weight)
29.5 inches (5% in height)
You are a happy baby. You are content to play by yourself but thrive off attention. You are an early bird. You are the 1st one in the house awake. You talk to yourself until you wake up your brother. When I open the door in the morning, your smile lights the whole room. You love to eat. Not necessarily sweets, like your momma and brother, more meat and potatoes. You love chicken and cheeseburgers and pizza. You are a quick learner and mimic most everything we do. You are much more accident prone than your brother. So far you've fallen off the changing table and the bathroom counter. You've slammed your finger in the door and pulled the fireplace grate over on your head. Yet you still calm easily. You have had a rough couple of weeks and will probably take after your momma with allergies and asthma. Your favorite toy is a ball. From the moment you wake up you start saying, "giye" which is your word for ball. Nothing makes you happier than playing ball. But if I'm too busy to play with you, you have learned to throw the ball against a wall and catch it yourself. Which I think is nothing short of GENIUS! You are very friendly and will wave to anyone. Even when you are in your carseat, I will look in the mirror and catch you waving out the window. You have beautiful blue eyes with think long lashes, and when you cry, big teardrops fall making your eyes even more blue, and I just want to scoop you up into my arms and get lost in the ocean of your eyes. While you are more independent than your brother, you still love to cuddle. You do the most amazing thing, you sit on my lap and lean your head into mine, and we touch foreheads. And for that moment, I feel the world stop. You can say, "dada, momma, oh oh, hi, guck (duck), and giye (ball).
And the weak shall be strong.
Beckett: 21 lbs (25% in weight)
28.5 inches (3% in height)
You are still very sensitive. You cry easily, but laugh more. You are a great sleeper and get somewhat annoyed when Blake wakes you up. You are becoming a much better eater. Just the other day you tried cranberries and loved them. You are very industrious. Everyplace you go, you go with purpose. Your little body scoots (quickly) all over the house determined to get from A to B. You are a great climber. You have mastered going up the stairs. Once at the top, you will turn around and holler as if to say, "Look at me!" You are nowhere near walking. Your scoot is very efficient for you and if you aren't scooting, you want to be held. You love to be outside. You are very content to scoot around the deck or crawl up the stairs and watch the airplanes. You love Zoey. You will scoot right up to her and offer her your face and wait for her to kiss you. You are very serious. And very intense. You have the cutest gap between your two front teeth and you still have a dimple in your left cheek. You are beginning to find out that you can be funny, and so you repeat over and over again whatever it is that makes me laugh. You love to push things. Anything with wheels doesn't stand a chance against you. You will push and scoot and push and scoot until your mother makes you stop. You get frustrated easily and it breaks my heart. I so badly want to be able to just "do it" for you, but at the same time I like watching your little brain work to figure something out. You love books. You will sit on the floor with an open book and just babble. (I like to imagine that you will become a great novelist one day). You can say, "Zoey, wow, momma, daddy,oh oh and no." Sometimes I look at you and can't believe that you are turning into a toddler, but for now I will relish in the fact that your favorite place to be is still in my arms.
Blake: 23.2 lbs (50% in weight)
29.5 inches (5% in height)
You are a happy baby. You are content to play by yourself but thrive off attention. You are an early bird. You are the 1st one in the house awake. You talk to yourself until you wake up your brother. When I open the door in the morning, your smile lights the whole room. You love to eat. Not necessarily sweets, like your momma and brother, more meat and potatoes. You love chicken and cheeseburgers and pizza. You are a quick learner and mimic most everything we do. You are much more accident prone than your brother. So far you've fallen off the changing table and the bathroom counter. You've slammed your finger in the door and pulled the fireplace grate over on your head. Yet you still calm easily. You have had a rough couple of weeks and will probably take after your momma with allergies and asthma. Your favorite toy is a ball. From the moment you wake up you start saying, "giye" which is your word for ball. Nothing makes you happier than playing ball. But if I'm too busy to play with you, you have learned to throw the ball against a wall and catch it yourself. Which I think is nothing short of GENIUS! You are very friendly and will wave to anyone. Even when you are in your carseat, I will look in the mirror and catch you waving out the window. You have beautiful blue eyes with think long lashes, and when you cry, big teardrops fall making your eyes even more blue, and I just want to scoop you up into my arms and get lost in the ocean of your eyes. While you are more independent than your brother, you still love to cuddle. You do the most amazing thing, you sit on my lap and lean your head into mine, and we touch foreheads. And for that moment, I feel the world stop. You can say, "dada, momma, oh oh, hi, guck (duck), and giye (ball).
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Some Days the Dragon Wins...
Growing up I had a picture in my room with a fire breathing dragon, (even though he was pink and outfitted in lace) with the caption "Sometimes the dragon wins." Today... the dragon defeated me.
Where to begin? Blake is battling an ear infection. Yesterday he ran a low grade fever and we started him on an antibiotic. However the medicine didn't help the fact that unless he was attached to my hip, he would scream his blood blond head off. His fever broke last night and I went to bed completely hopeful for that today would be a good day. I was WRONG.
Chris got up for work early, and as always, checked on the boys before he left. He walked back into our bedroom and said, "Beckett feels really hot." Hmmmm.....
He was right. Beckett was a little furnace. And a very irritable furnace. So I give him some Motrin and put him back to bed. He sleeps for another hour, while Blake scoots all around the house. Relishing being an "only child" for the moment. When Beckett wakes back up...he feels cooler. His fever has broken and he's even smiling. Great. Maybe this day will still be good. I shower and we all go downstairs to play outside. Blake is standing at the dining room door. I open the door...abruptly. And slam his pinky finger in the door. And he screams. LOUD. And I fall to the floor, scoop him up and curse myself. I am crying now too. Oh...and so is Beckett. I calm down enough to look at his finger. Ouch! It's red and swollen. And he won't let me touch it. In fact if I try to look at it he screams and begins to flail his arms wildly. I call Chris, thinking that he will put me at ease and say no big deal. He tells me to bring him in. What?! So we head downtown to Chris' office. He takes one look at his finger and says we need to go to Kosair for an Xray. At this point, I am crying. Sobbing really. Blake has cried himself to sleep and Beckett is in a Motrin induced coma.
Thirty minutes later we are registered and waiting in radiology. When it's Blake's turn, Chris goes in with him, to keep him calm. Clearly if I couldn't calm myself down, I wouldn't be able to calm Blakey. Blake was a rock star...and his finger was not broken!! However it has extensive soft tissue swelling. I'm supposed to ice it. Really? Keep ice on a 14 month old?
So we get home and we all take a nap. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. Until Beckett screams woke me up. His fever was now at 101. And we're out of Motrin. And my husband called and said one of his patients was coming by to pick up some clothes. So after I put cool washcloths on Beckett's head, the doorbell rang. Zoey, the dog, darted out and scared the crap out of a little girl. Beckett began screaming and just for giggles and grins Blake puked.
Where to begin? Blake is battling an ear infection. Yesterday he ran a low grade fever and we started him on an antibiotic. However the medicine didn't help the fact that unless he was attached to my hip, he would scream his blood blond head off. His fever broke last night and I went to bed completely hopeful for that today would be a good day. I was WRONG.
Chris got up for work early, and as always, checked on the boys before he left. He walked back into our bedroom and said, "Beckett feels really hot." Hmmmm.....
He was right. Beckett was a little furnace. And a very irritable furnace. So I give him some Motrin and put him back to bed. He sleeps for another hour, while Blake scoots all around the house. Relishing being an "only child" for the moment. When Beckett wakes back up...he feels cooler. His fever has broken and he's even smiling. Great. Maybe this day will still be good. I shower and we all go downstairs to play outside. Blake is standing at the dining room door. I open the door...abruptly. And slam his pinky finger in the door. And he screams. LOUD. And I fall to the floor, scoop him up and curse myself. I am crying now too. Oh...and so is Beckett. I calm down enough to look at his finger. Ouch! It's red and swollen. And he won't let me touch it. In fact if I try to look at it he screams and begins to flail his arms wildly. I call Chris, thinking that he will put me at ease and say no big deal. He tells me to bring him in. What?! So we head downtown to Chris' office. He takes one look at his finger and says we need to go to Kosair for an Xray. At this point, I am crying. Sobbing really. Blake has cried himself to sleep and Beckett is in a Motrin induced coma.
Thirty minutes later we are registered and waiting in radiology. When it's Blake's turn, Chris goes in with him, to keep him calm. Clearly if I couldn't calm myself down, I wouldn't be able to calm Blakey. Blake was a rock star...and his finger was not broken!! However it has extensive soft tissue swelling. I'm supposed to ice it. Really? Keep ice on a 14 month old?
So we get home and we all take a nap. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out. Until Beckett screams woke me up. His fever was now at 101. And we're out of Motrin. And my husband called and said one of his patients was coming by to pick up some clothes. So after I put cool washcloths on Beckett's head, the doorbell rang. Zoey, the dog, darted out and scared the crap out of a little girl. Beckett began screaming and just for giggles and grins Blake puked.
After a dinner of Little Debbies, Oreos, and applesauce, (it's the only thing he would eat) we are all in bed. I am exhausted. Mentally drained. Emotionally spent. And so while I acknowledge that the dragon won today, I'm still blessed to be able to fight her. Parenting ain't for the faint of heart.
sweet Blake
(notice the ID band on his right ankle)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
This Day....
I don't know how to begin this post...but I guess that an admission of uncertainty is a beginning in and of itself. This day, this date represents so much of my recent history. Three years ago today, my Baylor died. Losing her was like losing my best friend. Some may say that's extreme. But so am I. I have no gray in my life. It's black or white. I love completely or not at all. And I loved Baylor with my all. Baylor died on March 17, 2009. Harper's due date was March 17, 2010. And so in different world, (note I didn't say perfect) I would be holding my little girl. And just because she never took her first breath, doesn't mean that I don't love her. Because I love her completely. Her moment in time may have been brief but her legacy endures. She changed me. She humbled me. I had to walk through the darkness to appreciate the light. And that light shines every day now. So bright. 
And my heart is full.
Harper at 18 weeks
And Happy Birthday to Grandma :)
Friday, March 9, 2012
1 year corrected
March 8 was my official due date. So yesterday the babies were officially 1 year old. I have moments of sadness, albeit briefly, when I think of their birthday. And how nice it would have been to have a spring birthday. As opposed to the dead of winter. How many more options for birthday parties we would have. But then my rational side slaps me into graciousness and I realize that parenting and (life for that matter) isn't about the expectations that we have. Rather it how we handle what we have been given. So they have a winter birthday? Well....what better way to brighten a dreary winter day than the celebration of two blue eyed sprites?
Not too much is happening lately at our house. It seems as if we are entering a period of grace. Everything is just easier. (I am knocking on wood right now :)) The babies are good. Certainly they are demanding, especially at dinnertime. But they play now not only with toys, but with each other. And it is absolutely adorable. In the mornings, I will hear them talking to each other. So very quietly I sneak into the nursery and watch. Even now, writing this down, brings tears to my eyes. As I watch them I feel as if I am witnessing something so grand, so divine, so out of my control. I marvel at the relationship of brotherhood blossoming. And I know that if I continue to nurture it...it will thrive.
Neither baby is walking yet. They still scoot furiously on their butts. And their preference for travel is still in my arms. And at this point...I wouldn't have it any other way.
Not too much is happening lately at our house. It seems as if we are entering a period of grace. Everything is just easier. (I am knocking on wood right now :)) The babies are good. Certainly they are demanding, especially at dinnertime. But they play now not only with toys, but with each other. And it is absolutely adorable. In the mornings, I will hear them talking to each other. So very quietly I sneak into the nursery and watch. Even now, writing this down, brings tears to my eyes. As I watch them I feel as if I am witnessing something so grand, so divine, so out of my control. I marvel at the relationship of brotherhood blossoming. And I know that if I continue to nurture it...it will thrive.
Neither baby is walking yet. They still scoot furiously on their butts. And their preference for travel is still in my arms. And at this point...I wouldn't have it any other way.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
My babies have big heads. I've known this. The pediatrician told me this. I wasn't worried. EVER. Until I took Blake to the neonatal follow up clinic. Turns out...his head is really big. Off the charts big. So the doctor recommended a head ultrasound. What!? I almost declined. I remember when the babies were in the NICU and the doctors asked me then if I wanted a head ultrasound. (Babies born less than 34 weeks automatically get one, my babies were exactly 34 weeks). I declined. I didn't want one. 
So you can imagine my frustration and apprehension when the neonatalogist strongly recommends that Blake gets one. I began to cry. I told her that Beckett has a big head too. She responded with the fact that while that may be the case, Beckett didn't have the history of sepsis. So....yesterday we headed down to Kosair. Just me and Blake. He was in great spirits....I was a wreck.
The tech was fantastic. She put gel all over Blakey's head and then watched his ventricles come alive on the screen. It was very quick. Then she left the room. And in walked the radiologist. Literally I felt the bile in the back of my throat. But the doctor quickly broke into a grin and told me that my son has a beautiful brain. Perfect, in fact. He does however have quite a large head....(must get that from his father) :)
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