30 weeks!

Christmas has passed and I am now in my 30th week of pregnancy. And right now, time is moving quickly. As I opened presents on Christmas morning, surrounded by those I love and those that love me, I was imagining what next Christmas would be like. Two little boys, more interested in the paper than what is actually inside. Two little boys crawling around, looking for mischief. I imagine a house full of chaos, toys scattered about, squeals of delight, and lots of laughter. Not just from the boys, but from their momma. Looking at what she has. Realizing that all that she lost has brought her to this singular point. Of joy. And so while this Christmas was lovely and wonderful, certainly there was one person, one little angel that was missed. So much focus has been on the boys, that it is almost easy to forget her. And yet, had she not been, the boys would not be coming. Remember, God gives them back. He took my daughter away, but He gave me two boys. And as anxious as I am to meet them, to hold them in my arms, I cannot and will not forget my daughter. And as I opened gifts on Christmas, it became quite clear to me, that others have not forgotten her as well. Her memory will continue to live on, Christmas after Christmas. Her brothers will know who came before. And there will always be an angel on top of our tree, reminding us of our daughter, Harper.
And when we look at that ornament, not only will we remember Harper, but the friends we made along the way. Those friends who held us up when our grief was bringing us down. Those friends that will forever be in our hearts and part of our lives. Because they share not only our joy, but our sorrow. Thank you Carsten and Susanne, for not being afraid to walk this journey with us.

29 WEEKS!

I can hardly believe it. The reality that soon I will have children. That after so much loss my arms will be full. That I will be able to touch my boys, smell that sweet baby smell, hear their cries. That I will be able to look into their eyes and realize that each heartbreak brought me to this point. And they will look back at me and I will be healed. Complete once again.
This past week has been very hard. I started having contractions again and was put on yet another medication. The isolation from the bedrest is devastating. I watch my family come and go, full of Christmas cheer. Their cheeks rosy from the cold, and their arms heavy with packages in pretty bows. And I wish that I could be a part of that. It's bittersweet that this is our last Christmas as a just a married couple, and I can't participate. I can't go to Christmas parties. I can't get in the car and go for romantic drives looking at all the beautiful lights. I can't take the dogs to get their pictures with Santa. All of this we did together. Just me and Chris. It will never be just me and him again. And while I know the joy is going to magnify next Christmas with our boys, I almost resent the fact that I can't get out of bed. I have been on bedrest for sixty two days. I have gone through every emotion from despair to hope. I have cried until my well is dry. I have cursed God and praised Him. And I have done this all alone. Certainly I have had visitors. And they stay and visit for an hour or two. And Chris comes home in the evenings. But for the majority of the day, I am alone. And the silence is deafening. There are moments when I want to just get in my car and drive. Leave the house. Resume my life. But then I feel them kick, and I sit back down. And continue waiting. Knowing it will be worth the wait.
Just for kicks, here is a list of the medications that I am on for this pregnancy. You might need to sit down.

Prenatal Vitamins
Folic Acid
Aspirin
Iron
Prilosec
Prednisone
Magnesium
Terbutaline
Arixtra (subQ injections)
Progestrone (IM injections)
Clindamycin (vaginal suppository)

The magnesium and terbutaline are to prevent contractions. I have to take both of those medications every 6hrs. Of course my favorite is the Clindamycin. Why do I have to take a vaginal suppository? Well, that is to prevent the cerclage from getting infected. One thing I'm looking forward to....no more meds! Something my husband is looking forward to.....no more pharmacy bills :)

A Christmas Picture

A rare moment of being vertical. But no worries...I was back on my back shortly :)

28 Weeks!

As I sit here typing this entry, I am overcome with awe and gratitude. I never thought that I would reach this milestone. When we first found out that we were pregnant, we just prayed that we would be able to maintain a pregnancy. Then we prayed for the pregnancy to last to viability. When I got my cerclage at twenty weeks, viability seemed distant even then. I remember crying in the doctor's office, pleading with him to get me to twenty four weeks. A feat that at the time, seemed impossible, unattainable. Yet here I am. Not only are the boys viable, they would thrive. There is a chance that if they were born today, they might not even need the ventilator. They would be considered little feeders and growers. They certainly would need to spend time in the NICU, but it would probably only be for ten to twelve weeks. At my last doctor's appointment, the boys looked great. In fact they were still measuring a week ahead of schedule. All this points to the fact that I will be able to hold two babies in the near future. That not only will my arms be full, my heart will be as well. I'm not going to say that bedrest doesn't suck. After fifty five days of being trapped in my bed, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Certainly there have been tears, and fits of anger, but now as the Christmas season approaches, I have to say that we have never been more blessed. I have yet to talk to these boys. To call them by name, to play music for them. To rub my belly and tell them how much I love them. I have been so afraid that they would die. That I would bond with them only to have my heart broken once again. And if I bonded, how much harder would that loss be? Today, for the first time, I found myself looking in the mirror at the miracle of all of this. Totally astounded, totally gratified at this gift. And today, for the first time, I called them by name. I told them I loved them. And in response, they kicked me back.

A Christmas Party

Each year we get invited to a Christmas party. Guests of the party are encouraged to dress up as someone from Clark Grisswold's family or some other holiday attire. Chris and I look forward to this party each year. In early October, I start hunting the internet for the perfect costumes. I was delighted with my find this year. Of course I ordered the costumes before bed rest was ever in my future. But my husband, who last year wore tights, didn't let me down. Not only did he dress up by himself, he pretended he was pregnant.

27 Weeks!

Another week down! It has been exactly 48 days of bedrest. It has been 7 days of complete bedrest. And while it sucks, this being trapped inside of my home, the boys are still trapped within me. Just where they need to be. I remember when I went to get my cerclage placed and I was so scared. I just kept pleading with my doctor to get me to viability. Just get me four more weeks. I felt so helpless and was acutely aware that the cerclage could all be for naught. Because I was only 20 weeks. No medical professional in this world would save a 20 week fetus. And now here we are. Seven weeks later. Viability is not a concern anymore. These boys would survive. Certainly they would be little, and their challenges would be great, but they would survive. The fact that in a few weeks I will be holding my boys in my arms fills me with such awe. Such complete and utter disbelief. I never imagined, after the journey that we have been on, that we would be so close to the destination that we had only dreamed of. Granted, I still have bad days, days where I cry from dawn to dusk. Mourning the pregnancy that I had expected. Missing the fervor of holiday season. Aching to spend time with family and friends, instead of lying on my couch. But just as I become the captain of my own pity party, the boys kick me defiantly. Reminding me of their lives, their mere existence. And my determination to endure is renewed. I am beginning to get excited. Beginning to hope for both my heart and my arms to be filled. Beginning to see my family in the future. Me and my boys. And it's official....they have names. But don't get too excited. The names won't be revealed until the boys make their debut. Have wonderful week....and thank you for all the continued support.

Friends from Etown

A little over four years ago a very tiny warrior entered this world. She was fourteen weeks early and weighed in at a whopping 1lb 8oz. I took care of this little girl from the beginning to the end. Many times, a nurse gets attached to a baby. She takes care of that baby and watches her struggle for each breath, to breathing and crying on her own. There are times though that the relationship extends beyond the baby, it reaches out to the parents. Never would I have imagined that the little girl in a box would become the child of the mother who I count upon almost daily for encouragement. The ties of friendship, of motherhood have transcended years and miles. The kindness that I have received, the support I have been given is a treasure worth its weight in gold. To have the unwavering support of this woman raises me up. And I have to wonder, was I good to her? Was I the nurse that she needed at the time? Did I show her the compassion and support that she deserved? I can only hope that I did. I don't know when these boys will make their debut. But one thing is for certain, when I walk back into that unit, as a nurse, I will be changed. I will give and show the parents the compassion that they not only deserve, but to give back what I've been given. And to my friends from Etown, you continue to propel me into the next day. God bless you.