Thanksgiving

It's hard to believe another year has passed and that it is Thanksgiving yet again. So much has changed for us this past year. Never would I have imagined that I wouldn't have my Baylor Bear with me, with us this holiday season. There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her. Especially during the holidays, she was our Christmas Bear. And never could I have imagined that we would have lost a little girl before we ever even got the chance to meet her. And for the rest of our lives we will wonder why she left us so soon. Yet I can not deny the fact that I have now entered a state of grace that I had never imagined. This past year has taught me and brought me to...grace. For if I had never experienced such great losses, I never would have discovered the love that exists all around me. I am grateful every day for my husband and the love that we share together and give away to each other. I am grateful for our parents who have offered their support with such humility and acceptance that I am in awe of their love for us. I am grateful for our siblings who help us get through each day. One day after another, offering words of encouragement. I am grateful for all of our family from near and far for the thoughtful words and offered prayers. I am grateful for friends, new and old that have shared with us depths of compassion that I never could have imagined. I am grateful for our health and home. And I am grateful for our faith. This is certainly not the path we had planned to walk down, yet had we not walked into the forest, we never would have realized what a lovely shade of comfort the trees can provide. Happy Thanksgiving!

Turkey Day Family Fun Run!

More on Grief

Yesterday my mom handed me an article on grief. I didn't really want to read it, but she insisted that it would be very comforting to me. So I did. And it was beautiful. It was written by a hospice nurse who has dealt with grief for over twenty years. And she beautifully describes how over the years her ability to help those grieving has totally transformed both her mind and her heart. After reading the article, I felt a huge relief. Almost as if an intangible burden had been lifted off my chest. Because for the first time since all this happened, I thought to myself, "She gets it." Grief doesn't go away in a day...so let us mourn. And with time, we will heal.
Below is an excerpt from the article.

".....Years ago, I would have rushed to comfort these people. Uncomfortable myself with

their grief, I'd want to ease their sadness with my cheer and consolation. I would hug the young woman and tell her to 'Try to get pregnant again' or I would reassure the

widower, telling him, 'Your wife had a long life.' It wasn't until I had stayed with many

dying patients, and finally, with my dying father, that I allowed myself to grieve; for my

dad, for those lost patients, for all their loved ones who, as I once did, held back their tears.

Now, years later, I know that it is both necessary and human for us to wallow, each in our

own way, in grief. I no longer comfort others with false cheer. I don't encourage anyone to

move on, to replace, to remarry, or to put the photos or the memories away. Grief must

be given its time. I believe that both caregivers and the cared for should be free to scream

and cry and fall to the floor. I believe that grief, fully expressed, will change over time

into something, less overpowering, even granting us a new understanding, a kind of double

vision that comprehends both the beauty and fragility of life at the same time. When I grieve,

when I stand by others as they grieve, even in the midst of seemingly unbearable sorrow,

grief becomes a way to honor life. A way to cling to every fleeting, precious moment of joy."

Lately I have found myself drawing inward. Turning away from my friends, because they simply don't understand. Their lives are still lovely, and it's as if they wish for me to make mine just as lovely. To move on, to forget. And yet I cannot forget. I need to grieve, to mourn her. How I wish that they would ask me, "How are you really doing?" How I wish that they would let me cry or scream or curse. I am going to have bad day, really really bad days. Don't pretend that you don't see me crying, simply hand me a Kleenex and then offer me your shoulder. I need that. Without friends, I am walking deeper and deeper into my own solitude. And it is lonely. I need to be acknowledged. My grief is real, my sorrow is huge, and my heart is broken. There are few times in one's life where friendship should cast away all the pretense, and simply embrace the souls of each other. This is one of those times, because my soul is struggling.

There is a quote by Albert Camus that is quite beautiful.

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow.

Just walk beside me and be my friend."

New Moon

" Team Edward"

Last night was a girls night out. I am not a huge fan of the Twilight series, but I do love going out with friends. Especially now. It's so nice to get out of the house and celebrate life. Sometimes I feel as if I am surrounded by despair, but maybe that's just within the confines of my own heart. So a night with friends is always welcome. As I said, I am not a huge fan of Twilight, apparently I am in the minority. We arrived at the theater one hour and thirty minutes before the movie. The line was already out the door. We had to sit in the hallway, surrounded by a mass of teenage girls wearing "Team Jacob" shirts. Once we were allowed into the movie, there were cops monitoring our behavior. If anybody rushed into the theater or started fighting over seats, they would be removed. Are you kidding me? I felt like I was in a concert and not a movie. Between the screaming and the giggling, I realized that I am not so young anymore. Oh well. It was a great night with friends....and the movie wasn't that bad.

A Wedding Date

Last night, my best "guy friend" got married. And it was a wonderful day all around. I have been friends with Russ for almost sixteen years. We met when I was sixteen and he was eighteen. I was a sophomore in high school and he was a freshman in college. We became fast friends. There has always been an unspoken quality to our friendship. We will always take care of each other and defend each other to the end. So much of my past is enter twined with his. Every heartbreak I've ever had, he was there for me. And vice verse. We never dated, not once. Our friendship was much too strong to risk that. He laughed with me when I was a silly high school girl, and he stood up for me when I married Chris. It amazes me that time has passed so quickly and now we have both become adults. When I met Chris, it was bittersweet. Because I wanted Russ to find the same happiness that I had found. I wanted him to fall in love because he deserved it. And then he met Angie. No two people are more perfectly matched, (with the exception of their political views). She has completed Russ. Angie has made Russ so happy, and what more could I ask for for my best friend? Anyway, the wedding was beautiful. Angie looked flawless and her gown appeared as if it were made just for her. And the reception was wonderful. Not only did Russ and Angie look like they were having the time of their lives, but Chris and I had such a good time. It felt so good to be out again, having fun. Laughing with our friends and with each other. Last night restored our sense of commitment to each other and reminded us that "this too shall pass."

Me and Rusty

Making Memories

Russ and Chris

Still so in Love

Smile

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was dreading having to go back to the hospital. Having to see all those babies, simply reminding me of what I lost. What I don't have. I was afraid as well that my emotions would overwhelm and a torrent of tears would escape from my already constantly reddened eyes. My family knew of my hesitation and my fears. Their prayers for me could have been heard around the world, and maybe that is how I managed to not only arrive at work, but function as a nurse. A good nurse. And then just as my day was about to end, and the feelings of loneliness began to encroach upon my soul, I received a gift. My sister, my wonderful and kind sister, had flowers delivered to me at work. She knows that I love flowers. Some people may regard flowers as a silly gesture, for they simply wither and die. But I love them. I love to smell them and have them brighten my house. Thinking to myself, somebody cared enough about me to send me flowers. The card simply said: SMILE from Lily, Gracie, and Abby. But I know that it was from my sister. She knew that I would need a little something extra to get me through the day. She knew I loved flowers. She cares....and that made me smile.

A Gift from a Friend

My days are full of sorrow, because my hopes for the tomorrows have been taken away from me when our baby died. Certainly I know that there will be good days again, full of hope. And with the grace of God, more children will come into our lives. But that doesn't change the fact that I wanted that child. That I wanted to be her mother. I know she is in heaven, but I wonder if I will be able to recognize her when I get there. And will she know me? Even though we never met, will she still call me her mother? My grief is something that will heal with time, this I know. However, I would not be able to to heal without the encouragement of friends. Three years ago, I took care of a little girl, who was born much too soon. I feel in love with her from the beginning, never imagining that I would fall in love with her parents as well. Maybe God does have a grander plan than we ever could have imagined. Because during this time of grief, this family has not only allowed me to grieve, they have welcomed it and honored it. There are days when my grief overwhelms me and then, as if by divine intervention, I will have a lovely note from them. When I opened up my email the other day, I found a poem that they had sent to me. Not only did it warm my heart, but it helped to heal my fragile soul. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and will never forget your kindness during this time in our lives.

What Makes A Mother

author unknown

(given to me from Carsten and Susanne Bach)

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard Him say,

"A mother has a baby."

This we know is true.

"But God can you be a mother,

When you're baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied

With confidence in His voice.

"I give many women babies,

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God.

I want my baby here."

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,

And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child's smile,

With all the other children and say...

We go to earth to learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much

But I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here.

"So you see my dear sweet ones,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home

And that is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lesson's through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you."

So now you know what makes a mother,

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize

you are a mother, until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day,

And know that you are the very best one.

Grief

The past two weeks have been very hard, trying both our marriage and our faith. Never would I have imagined that this would have been our life. That so much rain would fall. That it would seem like the sun would never shine again. And so here I am...stuck somewhere between horrible grief and the desire to hope. And life goes on. For everybody else. There are moments of absolute loneliness, when I feel as if nobody truly understands what I am going through. Both our family and friends have been wonderful, yet I feel as if they just want us to move past this. To persevere. Every day I try so hard to smile, to laugh, to pretend that things are moving along just beautifully. Because I feel that's what they want. They want my grief to end and my life to return to normal. As if there was never a skipped beat. Because for them, life is normal. There are weekend plans and holiday shopping ahead. So much to do. And certainly I want to participate, to be included, but I need them to understand that my grief is real. And enduring. My grief is not going to go away in a week, or two, or even a month. And I need to be acknowledged in that fact. Because ignoring that grief, denies that she existed. I lost a baby. And with that, I lost dreams. There may be days in the future where my grief will overwhelm me. And there will be days where hope will be my guide and the tears will slowly dry. This is a journey that I had not planned on, but it is a journey that with the grace of God, will bring me to a place of peace that I had never imagined.

A Gift of Candy from my Nieces!

Words of Comfort

Chris and I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of people. We have received more support than we ever could have imagined. It's ironic that during times of hardship you realize who your friends truly are. And yet what better time for that realization to come? Yesterday, we had a package waiting for us. It was a book from my mother in law titled, "Mommy, please don't cry...There are no tears in Heaven." This was the introduction: This book is dedicated to mothers everywhere who have experienced the deep sorrow of losing a child. The book was beautiful, but the sentiment was even more stunning. The fact that I was acknowledged as a mother, regardless of how brief a period of time it was, made me feel almost liberated. I may never have met my baby, but for almost six months, I was her mother. And that fact will never change. Thank you, Susan.

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Loss

So we lost our little girl. I went in for an ultrasound because she had been measuring so small and my doctor wanted me to get a second opinion. The second opinion was certainly not reassuring. She wasn't growing, at all. Apparently my placenta was not working. He wanted to see me the next day, and when we went in....she had died. Just like that, she was gone. So it's really surreal writing this. With tears streaming down my face, so hard in fact that I can barely see the keyboard, I wonder why this happened. Sure. I know that I wasn't the first person in the world to have a miscarriage, but right now I've never felt so alone. There are no words of comfort to fill the emptiness that is inside me. I look down and rub my belly and the absence of a bump, her bump, almost sickens me. And everyone will tell me that there was a reason for this, that God has a plan. Well, His plan sucks. Why give her to me, just to take her away? How is it that you can miss something so badly when you never even had a chance to meet? I never met her, but I knew her. I saw her kick and yawn. And stretch. I heard her heartbeat. I wanted her. Why is it that you never realize how badly you want something until it is gone? How is it that you never knew what heartbreak felt like until you realize that your heart is gone? And yet somehow you manage to get out of bed, to move on. Because there is nothing left to do. And so day by day, the sun streams in a little more. And one day, you will let the warmth of the sun comfort you once again. But until that day, you acknowledge that heaven must be a very lovely place, because it has the two most lovely souls. As soon as our baby died, our wise old gray Bear was there to welcome her. And for that I am grateful, and for now, that is enough.

Welcome Home, Little One