26 Weeks!

So another week down. And while I thought I would be celebrating this week, my body clearly has other plans. It's been a rough couple of days. I started having contractions. Not only are they painful....but it's too damn early. So after an emergency visit to the doctor, I am now on magnesium to relax the uterus and stop the contractions. If that doesn't work, I will have a pump, (similar to an insulin pump) of terbutaline inserted into my belly continuously administering the medication. And if the terbutaline doesn't work....well it's straight to the hospital. As for bedrest, I have only bathroom privileges now. The rest of the time I have to be in bed with my feet up. I am so angry right now. And tired. Why is that just when the sun starts to show her shine, another cloud rolls in? Don't get me wrong. I realize that we are blessed. We have passed viability and are on the road to holding two healthy boys. But damn this road. I walked enough. I traveled down the roads of indecision and grief. I've tripped on hardship and slipped upon disbelief. I'm tired. I am TIRED! When will this be easy? Will I ever enjoy this pregnancy? Will I ever be able to try on the joy of parenthood and revel in it as if it were a comforting blanket? Will I ever be that glowing pregnant woman? The one who rubs her belly with a confidence of health that forever alludes me? More importantly, do I have the strength for this journey? Not knowing where or when it will end. Or even how it will end. I am lonely, I am scared, I am tired. For today, all hope has disappeared. The rain falling outside matches the tears staining my cheeks. I am tired. Of bad news. I am tired of watching the world outside, of life passing me by. My husband looks at me with eyes full of disbelief. He says, "Baby, the world isn't passing you by, don't you see. You are the world right now, and life is inside of you." I know he is right. But just for today, that takes too much energy, too much hope. As always, please keep us all in your prayers. And thank you for the continued support.

25 Weeks!

I love Tuesdays. Another week down, another week closer. I am 25 weeks today! If the boys were born today their survival chances are good. There is even a possibility that they would make an effort to cry. Granted, it might be more like a whisper, but the lungs would be able to take in some oxygen. In fact, up until this point, the boys' nares have been clogged. At 25 weeks, the nasal passages open up and they are able to practice breathing through their nose. Their capillaries are becoming filled with oxygen rich blood. Changing their skin from the previous pale to a more vibrant pink. Space is getting tight. So there won't be as much acrobatic activity anymore. Certainly they will kick, punch, etc. But very few somersaults now. I look at myself in the mirror and become awed at my body. It is not the body that I am used to. It has changed, to accommodate two lives. My belly mesmerizes me. Large and round and hard. And if I'm still, I can watch them move. Little waves covering my belly, and I have to wonder what dance they are choreographing within me. While I have been pregnant before, all of this is new. I never felt Harper move. Maybe it was because she was just too tiny, or maybe it was part of a bigger plan. Because if I would have felt her defiant little kicks within me, my sorrow would be overwhelming. I think of her all the time. I wonder what she would have looked like,not just now but on her wedding day. My emotions are all over the place. I cry tears of joy and sorrow. I rejoice for the movements within me and for the movements that I never felt. I am elated to be viable, yet guilt ridden to be moving on. When I hold my boys for the first time, will Harper be forgotten or will her memory live on? Will I be able to move past my grief and raise two boys into men?

Our journey to parenthood has been something that nobody could have prepared us for. So many times this past year we have been down on our knees. Tears of rage and anger staining our cheeks. This past week, I find myself once again on my knees. And these tears of hope that now trickle down my cheeks are slowly erasing the stain of their predecessor.

Once again, thank you for all the prayers. God Bless. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

New Wheels

My inlaws came down last week to visit. They were able to see the babies via ultrasound, which brought on many tears. And they threw me a shower. It was delightful. I got books, massages, movies, chocolates, candles, journals, board games, etc. Many many things to keep me occupied. But the very best gift came in the mail. I can't even wait to see the boys in their new wheels. How cool is that? They boys can face me, face each other, or face out. Both seats are compatable with any type of infant carrier. Yay!!!!!

A Milestone

Today is the day. A day long awaited. A day I never imagined that I would reach. Today the boys are considered viable. If they were born today, they would have a chance. I never held Harper, but I would be able to hold the boys. Granted, they would be tiny. They would be traveling on a road that was all uphill, filled with potholes. But that's just it....they would at least be on that road. And every day from here on out, the incline of the road decreases. Everyday is another gift. A present to be opened. And finally, after all this time, I can say with unabashed joy, that I am excited!!!!

And for all those who are wondering....no we don't have names yet!

An Update

So I just got back from yet another doctor's appointment. And the verdict is in.....I'm growing some big boys! They are each measuring about a week ahead of schedule. Go babies. Go uterus! It still amazes me to see them up on the screen. Synchronized in their movements. Safe and happy. Oblivious to the outside world. I lie back on the table, with my arms over my head, my heart beating so loudly I feel it is deafening within the room. And I find that my breath is taken away as I watch the boys. I realize that I would give all that I own, that I would take my last breath simply so that they could take their first. Yet despite the love that I feel, the fiercest of loves, I cannot yet get excited. Give me one more week. Simply one more week and my boys would have a chance at the life that I cannot yet dare to imagine for them. Again, thank you all for your prayers. They continue to lift us up.

Another week

Today I am 22 weeks pregnant. I was 21 weeks and 6 days with Harper. So certainly this is a milestone. A huge accomplishment. As each week progresses and then passes, I reward myself with looking at online pregnancy site. What can the fetus do at 16, 18, 20 weeks etc.? At 22 weeks, my boys are roughly weighing in at a pound. They are about 11 inches long. They have cycles now of wake and sleep. They can suck their thumb. They can are developing taste buds. They have started to grow hair, both on their bodies and on their heads. They have developed the sense of touch. All these amazing things, yet one pivotal thing remains missing. They still cannot live outside the womb. People ask me all the time if I'm excited. Have we named them? Have we bought anything blue? And each time I respond with the same answer. I will get excited when I reach viability. I know certainly that this is not the healthiest most optimistic attitude, but it is simply vital to my well being. For in my own mind, I think that if I don't name them, don't get excited, then if tragedy strikes yet again.....it won't hurt as badly. There are times in my more lucid and logical moments that I wonder if my remoteness affects these boys. If I send out negativity thus making my body some kind of hostile environment. And certainly everybody has an opinion. Telling me to relax. Enjoy. Revel in the miracle of pregnancy. Ha. I did that last time. And the only thing I was reveling in was my own grief. For my arms were empty and my heart broken. Call me a doubting Thomas, call me what you will. But don't judge me. Truth be told, I would sell my soul to see my boys take their first breath. But for now, I wait. And when I feel one of them kicking me defiantly, stating their presence, I simply put my hand over that spot and lift up every prayer I've ever known.