Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
About Working....
I go back to work tomorrow. As I sit here nursing the boys, so many emotions are running through me. But mostly my heart just hurts. I never thought I would wear the role of motherhood so comfortably. I never pictured myself with children. After Harper though all that changed. I desperately wanted to be a momma. Yet I never knew what kind of momma I would be. Or if I would like it. Here's the thing....I love it. And nothing in my life, nothing that I could ever do or accomplish will be as great, as momentous as raising my boys. Certainly there are days that are hard. Days where I am crying, almost just as much as them. Days where I would sell a limb for 2o minutes to myself and nice hot shower. But even those days, when the laundry is piled four loads high and diapers are spilling out of the genie, even those days, I wouldn't trade. To me, these boys are a miracle. My miracle. I feel as if I've waited my whole life to reach this certain point. The journey I was on, led me here, to them. And everything, even losing Harper, is now so clear to me. This is me. This is who I am. I am a momma. I am their momma. And I don't want to miss a thing. I never expected this, to feel this way. To be so madly deeply in love with my boys. Intoxicated by them. And now here I sit, on the eve of my return. And I can't stop the tears. I worked so hard to become a nurse. It was not easy. And then it took me 4 years to get the position of my dreams. If I left now, there is no guarantee that I would ever be able to have my job/position back. But would I even want it back? I don't know. The only position I want now is that of being a mommy. Chris and I have talked about my return. He keeps telling me that I don't need to or have to go back. He is being a prince among men. His patience astounds me. He wants me to be happy, wherever that is. And for that I am grateful. So we will see. Tomorrow is just one day. I can do anything for one day. I just have to get through the night. Tears will fall and a heart will break.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
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