snapshots of Christmas

And so this is Christmas

It's Christmas eve.  The babies are sleeping.  I'm about to go wake them from their nap so that we can go to church.  Yet I know when I walk into the room and look down into their crib, emotions will overwhelm me.  I will stare at the beauty that is their life and I will weep.  And my tears will stain my cheeks.  And I will not wipe them away.  For they will be the tears of victory.  Of a battle that was won.  Of the treasure that was found.

Last Christmas, we were living with my parents.  I was miserable.  I watched everyone come and go.  Full of Christmas cheer and holiday happiness.  From my bed.  The medications I was taking were toxic.  Keeping the babies safe within me, but taking their momma to the very edge of sanity.  Last Christmas, I couldn't even picture in my mind what I would gain, but rather I only saw what I had lost.  Harper.  So much of my existence is intertwined with her.  For while she is not here on earth with me, she is with me constantly.  And I have to acknowledge the fact that had Harper lived, the boys wouldn't be here.  And I have to wonder about His plan.  For He knew it all.  And in my mind, I like to think that the very moment her heart stopped, He grabbed it.  Held it tightly in the palm of His hand, and divided it in three.  Giving each baby and me a piece of her.  So that their hearts would beat with gentleness, full of humility and gratitude.  Open to the wonder of all the world has to offer them.  And my heart now would beat with a devotion unmatched.  To life and all of its splendor.  Because life is for the living.
Many nights over the past year, I have cried.  At both the injustice of losing her and at the grace of receiving them.  For so long I have tried to separate them.  Harper.  The twins.  But maybe that's just it.  Maybe they are not meant to be separated.  My heart holds her memory.  But my heart beats for them.  They own me.  They saved me from myself.
I am crying now.  And I know that I will cry even harder at church.  Because I know that everything that has happened has brought me to this singular moment.  Of grace.  And as Silent Night is being sung in a sanctuary lit only by candlelight, and I am holding my babies, I will smile.  For this is Christmas.  This is the moment of my life.  And I am grateful.  And I am blessed.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

There have been a lot of tears at our house lately.  My tears.  I can't quite believe that my babies are almost a year old.  I can't quite believe that at this time last year, they were nestled safely within me.  Choreographing an orchestra within me.  Their movements fluid and precise, yet limited.  Limited for the confines of my uterus.  Forever safe, protected by their momma.  And now their orchestra is chaos.  It's a symphony of change.  Of movement that is not limited.  But limitless.  For every day they spend with me, I know is a day less that I have with them.  Time is a thief, and I want to catch it.  I want to stop the constant movement of the clock.  For this now, this time now is the sweetest time.  These little souls that I've been loaned, albeit briefly, are amazing.  They laugh and my heart begins to beat.  I wonder now how it ever sustained itself before.

a little cheer :)

Happy Thanksgiving :)

Oh.  What a difference a year makes.  Last Thanksgiving I was barely 25 weeks pregnant.  Starting to get both hopeful and miserable at the same time. Full of hope and what the future held for us, as my babies were growing stronger, more viable with each passing day.  Miserable from the bed rest, from the back pain, from the boredom.  Little did I know that my journey was just beginning.  The twin pregnancy was beyond difficult.  There were days that I didn't want to get out of bed.  And then there were the days that I didn't want to live.  Because even breathing was hard.  Now I look at pregnant women, all aglow, and I have tinges of jealousy.  Why do they get to have an easy pregnancy?  Something so beautiful....and I feel as if I was robbed of that.  That was a dark time.  And to be honest, I've blocked most of that out.  Even their delivery.  But in the end, despite the fact that no stranger ever put her hand on my swollen belly, or the fact that I didn't get to go to the store and register, it doesn't matter. What does matter....are the two little sprouts sleeping in the next room.  Healthy....and here on earth, with their momma. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Where did the time go?

The holiday season is upon us.  Spreading its wings like angels.  Waiting for us to exalt in its glory.  A gift awaiting the unwrapping.  Yet....as the excitement builds and every mall Santa is waiting for my babies to sit upon his lap, my heart is a harp where every string plays a different pitch of emotion. I mourn for the pregnancy I never had. For the babies that never were. For the babies in the other room that are growing into little boys. The day vanishes before me. Time is a thief. We are all its prisoners. Slaves to its demand for change. I want to pull back the curtain of night before it falls. Because once night falls, I will close my eyes and wake up to babies no more.

Wisconsin

Last weekend we drove to Wisconsin to celebrate Chris' grandmother's 90th birthday.  It was a long long long drive.  It should have taken us nine hours, but it took us thirteen hours.  Each way.  The babies did not enjoy being confined to their carseats.  And their momma didn't like being stuck in the back seat between two screaming babies.  But the minute we arrived in Wisconsin...it was well worth it.  The look on Grandma's face when she met the twins for the first time was priceless.  And as I wiped the tears from my eyes as this sweet woman held her great grandchildren for the first time, I realized just how important family is.  

halloween 2011 at OneTrueMedia.com

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9 months!

So I'm a little late posting the 9 month pictures. Also notice that there aren't any of them side by side.  These little guys are starting to move - quickly!  And my camera does not do action shots :)

Gymboree !!

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a year ago...

I have become addicted to reading my previous posts.  Especially the dark ones.  The ones that seem devoid of hope.  The ones where I questioned if it was worth it.  The ones where I lost sight of what I was fighting for.  The ones where I didn't know if I would live to see another day.  Because I didn't want to.  Because I was so tired.  Of everything. 
One year ago today I went in for a routine doctor's visit.  I had my mother and grandmother with me.  I thought I'd get to see the boys.  Maybe get a weight check on them.  Get some pictures.  Watch my mom and grandmother cry at the wonder of modern technology and the ability to see the babies, still cocooned safely in utero.  Instead, I was the one crying.  I remember the doctor telling me that he needed to do a cerclage.  I remember him telling me I would be on bedrest.  I remember calling Chris but not being able to speak.

I remember that night at home so well.  Both of us down on our knees.  Begging Him.  To bring the boys to viability.  I remember how scared we were.  How desperate our fear was.  I remember crying so hard I made myself sick.  Chris...unable to comfort me.  That was a bad night.  Yet that night was merely the beginning of the journey.  We had no idea what still awaited us.  As individuals, as a couple.  The pregnancy rocked our marriage.  Many nights I wondered if we would make it.  And then the NICU....and Blake getting sick.  But here we are.  One year later.  And here's the thing.  The crazy thing.  I wouldn't change anything.  It took everything that happened, to bring me, bring us to this point.  This miraculous point of grace.  So when I look back at those dark posts, I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that it will be okay.  That there is a light.  And that the light is so bright at times now that it is blinding. 

Remembering...

http://www.team-ewan.com/2011/10/say-their-names-for-pregnancy-infant.html

Sometimes, in the midst of the chaos and joy of raising my boys, I almost forget her.  And then the wind blows and carries her memory down from the heavens.  And my breath is stolen from my lungs and my heart stops its beat for that single moment when I remember what could have been.  What almost was.  And yet because she is not here, my boys are.  It is misery and grace intertwined.  My deepest sorrow, my greatest joy.  It is a paradox.  The greatest one of my life.  To love them so fiercely yet miss her so desperately.  So today, on this day of pregnancy and infant loss, I not only say her name, I crave her name.  I pray her name.  I remember her.  She was.  And she is gone now.  And I am better for having loved her.  Loving her still.

Harper 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings

Blakey Laughing

The babies haven't been feeling well lately. Allergies have gotten the best of us, but Blake clearly thought that getting zyrtec was hilarious :)

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5k

Yesterday we took the babies out for their first 5k.  It was a beautiful day, and the babies did great!  After the run...the babies and momma got into the Halloween spirit :)

Happy Fall!

Last year, at this time I had no idea what was about to happen.  Chris and I were in a state of blissful ignorance about the pregnancy.  Life was great.  We were the proud, yet expectant parents of twin boys.  In less than three weeks, our whole world would change.  And the family that we desperately wanted, would now become the family that we had to fight for.  Some days, it seems as if that whole experience was years ago.  So distant.  And other days, I can close my eyes and be back on that couch.  Praying for one more day, one more week.  Last October I had no idea how cold my winter would be.  How the days would be endless and the pain almost insurmountable.  How the depression would overwhelm me.  Almost devour me.  What a difference a year can make?  This winter.....despite the cold, the long days, I will be warm.  They smile and I am complete.

Family Pictures

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8 months

Again, another month has passed. It's bizarre that in the midst of each day, as I am enveloped in diapers and spits, giggles and cries, teething and tears and wondering if the hours could pass any more slowly....all of the sudden the day is over. The babies are bathed and in their be and I am exhausted. And I couldn't begin to tell you where the time went. How the days can seem so long, yet pass by in a whirlwind. Leaving me winded, as it carries their babyhood away.
I have become addicted to watching their birth. Tiny little sprites, emerging into the world. Declaring it as their own. I become transfixed on the four of us. Watching the beginning of a family. How hopeful and grateful we were. How the happiness encompassed us, wrapping joy around us like a blanket. How there was enough love in that room, at that single moment to propel me and sustain me for the rest of my life. And now....eight months later, when I don't feel like there is enough of me to go around. When both babies are screaming and want me only to themselves and their cries echo off the four walls like ping pong balls, and I am covered in spit and poop and tears....I wouldn't change a thing. Not one single thing. If I had known at the moment of their birth the overwhelming love I would have for them, I would never have believed it. The reality of them, in my arms and within my heart is so much more. So much sweeter. I would walk through fire for them, so that their path is only ash.

Some Baby Stats:
Beckett: also known as: "the bucket, buckaroo, beck"
probably a little over 17lbs; one bottom tooth just emerging; rolling all
over the place; not sitting alone yet...but does a fabulous "tripod";
loves to suck his lower lip; very vocal, especially "dada"; very sensitive;
loves Popsicles and paper
Blake: also known as: "Blakey, and the grenade"
probably a little over 17lbs as well; no teeth yet; just learning to roll
over; loves his hands and wrists, and can be caught in the "prayer" position
quite often; very vocal, says "dada" but loves to make "GGGGGG" sounds;
very laid back and funny; loves Popsicles and Zoey the dog

Mmmm.....

so the babies are teething :)

Bowling Green

What a weekend. My best friend in the whole world got married. In Bowling Green. Which meant an overnight stay....without the babies. As the date approached, a myriad of emotions would pass through me. From excitement to dread. Excited to have a romantic getaway with my husband, and dread to leave my babies. I have never left them overnight, expect by necessity in the NICU. My face is the first face they see in the morning and the last one that they see at night. We have a routine, me and my guys. What would they think? Would they miss me? Would they know that I was coming back for them? What if they did something momentous while I was away? Like sit up on their own. How could I possibly leave my babies? How could I possibly miss my best friend's wedding? How could I be two places at once?

So....my very good friend actually VOLUNTEERED to watch the boys. I knew they would be fine with her. I knew she wouldn't just take care of them, but love them. So after many tears, we headed for Bowling Green. And it was NICE. Refreshing even. We talked, we danced, we laughed. We had a wonderful time.

I certainly missed the babies. Especially at 1am when I had to pump. After breakfast, I was ready to get home. Ready to see them, to smell them, to feel them. To hear them laugh, giggle. And it was just as I had imagined. The babies were waiting for us on the front porch. They saw me. And the kicking started. Their little legs pumping with excitement when they saw me, their momma. And I couldn't get my hands on them fast enough. I picked them up, inhaled their baby scents and all was well with my world.

And if that wasn't enough. This boy.....rolled over tonight. Belly to back :)

The reason I love this video: look at Blake...he's got his legs resting on the bar, just chilling ;)

September 11, 2011

Today was a wonderful day. I spent the day with "my guys" down on the waterfront. We took a picnic to the playground. We sat on the big swing together. All three of us. We watched the boats on the water and the planes in the sky. And then we walked to the Great Lawn and saw the flags. Over 3000 flags in the ground in honor of the men and women that lost their lives on this day ten years ago. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I saw all those flags. I found myself crying. And so I bent down and whispered to the babies that I loved them. Ten years ago, these babies weren't even a concept in my unconscious mind. Yet I can't deny the fact that I am able to be here with babies, able to push them on the swing so that they can feel the breeze of freedom, because of the men and women over there defending it.

never too young for oreos

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ADORABLE :)

A Visit from Grandma and Grandpa :)

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7 Months

This has been a rough week. Rather an emotional one. I can't explain why I cry all the time or am much quicker to anger. All I know is that I want time to stop. Things are happening too quickly. I am afraid to go to sleep. To close my eyes. Fearful that when I open them my babies will be little men. No longer able to fit in my arms. No longer smelling of baby powder and lavender. That I will no longer be their heroine.

I am still nursing. Not something I had ever planned on. Yet it is something that I love. I can't quite describe the feeling or the emotions that encompass having your baby look up at you and smile, with milk dripping off his chin. His eyes lock on you, boring into your soul, and your heart swells larger than you could have ever imagined. And at that moment not only are you complete, but all is right with the world.

The babies are growing so quickly. I went through their clothes this week. Clothes that they had grown out of. Tiny little preemie clothes. And I can't ever remember them being that small, which made me cry. And so then I had to watch the videos of them from when they were that tiny....and that made me cry harder. Is this how it's going to be? Life? Moving so quickly that it takes your breath away, leaving you winded and gasping for air?

I can't imagine my life at any point other than in this moment. I can't picture myself with kindergartners. Or high schoolers. Or as the mother of the groom. I can't imagine anything other than this day to day routine of diapers and toothless smiles. And honestly, I don't want the future. I want things to stay this way. This is a sweet time and I am loving every minute of it.

I get so frustrated when I'm out running errands and people make comments to me such as, "You poor thing." Or, "You sure have your hands full." Or, "Better her than me." Don't they know how hard I fought for these babies? Don't they know that the mere sight of them can bring me to tears? Don't they know that these babies are my life's masterpiece? Don't they know that I am blessed?

Every day I wake up and walk into the nursery, before they wake up. I like to open the blinds and watch as the sunlight streams in over their chicken fuzz hair. I like to watch them slowly wake up. Dusting the dreams of angels out of their eyes. I like to be the first face they see in the morning. For when they open their eyes and they see me, the moment is magic. Slowly a smile creeps over their face and then they begin to kick with their legs. Willing me to pick them up. And I do. I scoop them into my arms, inhaling their sweet scent and know that I am in the midst of my own miracle.

Backyard Adventures

So....sometimes it takes to much energy to drag both babies to the pool. As they say, creation is the mother of invention. I'm sure my neighbors loved this.

Hot Pants

Blake has therapy every week. Miss Lauren, the physical therapist, comes to our house every Monday. We love Miss Lauren. Okay, maybe not Blake because he has to work so hard. But I love her. She is honest and upfront. She is answers all my questions without making me feel stupid. She is optimistic without being insincere. She allows me to be the best advocate I can for my child. She has been a PT for thirteen years and knows all kinds of fun tricks to help kids develop they way they should. Whatever Miss Lauren suggests, this momma buys. However when she told me that we needed "hot pants" I did have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. (Sorry Blakey). These pants help keep his hips in midline. Because of his low tone, Blake tends to bow his legs out like a frog. He lets gravity take over, these pants resist gravity. Blake has to wear them periodically throughout the day for an hour each time. He doesn't seem to mind, but honestly, I can't stop laughing when he's in them. It's like he a little biker baby in spandex. And yes these pictures will all be revealed to future girlfriends :)

6 Month Check Up

Just the stats, aside from the obvious that my babies are perfect :)

Beckett 15lbs 2oz 25 inches

Blake 14lbs 6oz 24.5 inches

The Nursery

People have asked me how we decorated the nursery. So without farther ado, now that the boys are 6 months.....a picture! My favorite room in the house :)

6 Months

Where did the time go? I can't quite believe that my babies, the tiny little souls that I prayed for for so long have now been here on this earth for six months. I can close my eyes and still remember sitting in the doctor's office as he told me that my cervix was much too short. I can remember the fear I had before the surgery and begging him to get me to viability. I could not lose another baby. And maintain my sanity. I remember how long the winter was, as I was confined to the house. Watching the world pass me by. Wishing for freedom. Wishing for an end to the pain. Praying for healthy babies. I remember the relief as each week passed after viability. And I remember the night my water broke. The joy I felt as one journey had ended and yet another one was just beginning.

I remember how tiny they were when I held them for the first time. How my hands trembled and my heart beat so quickly with excitement. How awed I was that these babies were mine. I remember once they both came home and how small they looked in their carseats. How helpless they were. How they made the tiniest little squeaks and grunts. How cloudy their eyes still were and how tightly their hands would turn to fists. I remember falling asleep with them between us and waking up looking their sweet faces. And I guess somehow the days passed, one after another. Now my babies are no longer tiny. And while I am so happy that they continue to grow, I am nothing short of devastated as the stages continue to pass.

Before I had children, it was all about me. I had "me" days. Days filled with massages and pedicures. Lunches and book clubs. Shopping and naps. I had such freedom. I could get in the car, blast the radio and just drive. I could take baths for hours and sleep until noon. I COULD GO TO THE GYM ANYTIME I WANTED. My life had no strings attached. Once I became pregnant, I would hear over and over again how much your life changes. That children change everything. I would smile and nod. Yet secretly disagree. My life would be the same, just a little bit fuller. Well six months into parenthood I can safely say that I didn't have a clue. My world has been tilted, rocked, tipped, and kicked. Every day, I wake up sleep deprived to look into a mirror that is not as kind as it once was. I get spit on, peed on, pooped on and still don't care what bodily fluid I'm wearing as long as the babies look good. My days consist of leaking boobs, explosive diapers, and projectile vomiting. I have come to love Baby Einstein and coupons. I could tell you which diapers have the best leak control and where to buy the cheapest baby food. I can speak fluently in baby, uttering syllables I never imagined. I cry easily. And at the end of the day, I am asleep before my head hits the pillow. My world has changed.

But I wouldn't change a thing. I believe that this is my destiny. That everything that has happened in my life before, happened so that it could bring me to this singular moment of motherhood. I would live my life all over again, go through all the heartache of the past, just to see them smile.

Random

It's hard to believe that summer is more than halfway over. But mostly it's hard for me to believe that my babies are almost six months old. I become tearful at the thought of their first birthday. But more on that in a different post. For now, here are some fun pictures of the babies in the water. They LOVE the water! I like to think it's because I spent the majority of my pregnancy in the bathtub :)

beckett gets kicked :)

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Miss Bailey

Leaving your children is never easy. Every time you walk out the door, your heart stays behind. Finding somebody to watch your children is one of the hardest things imaginable. How can you trust somebody with your loved ones? All the "what if's" plague you the minute the door closes. Yet when you do find somebody that you trust closing that door is a whole lot easier.

We didn't find Bailey. She found us. She lives 8 houses down from us and she saw the storks in the front yard when the boys were born. Her whole family came down to meet us. And it was love at first sight :)

I don't work much. Only one day a week. But knowing that Bailey has the boys enables me to focus on work and be in that moment. Not worrying about what is happening at home. It is so nice when she comes over. She knows where everything is. She knows their schedule. And....she loves them. She loves my boys. And that makes me LOVE her!

(Bailey has a best friend, Sydney. And she loves our boys too.)

5 months

How is it possible that my babies are five months old? Where did the time go? I was cautioned that time would pass quickly. That I should savor every moment. But that's not enough. I want to freeze time. I want to capture every moment and relive it. The good and even the bad. For I fear that all too quickly time will continue to pass and I will no longer be able to hold both my babies in my arms. Or worse yet, that they will no longer want me to hold them in my arms. This elite club, otherwise known as motherhood has completely left me smitten. Drooling on myself with the joy of my babies. There are hard days. And long days. And days filled with tears. But those days are not the days I remember. And the good days far outnumber the bad ones. I never quite understood what people meant when they said that parenthood changes everything. Yet IT does. It's as if my heart, while now multiplied and giant, no longer belongs to me. It belongs to them. Their smile is the the beat of my heart, and their tears cause it to stop. I inhale them as if they are a drug. I cannot compare who I was before to whom I am now. For there is no comparison. It's as if I took my first breath the moment they took theirs. My eyes are open where before they were closed. I was empty and now am full. I look into their crystal blue eyes and see the future and all that it holds. And I become both excited and sorrowful. For I want them to grow and achieve. To accomplish every dream. But I don't want to ever lose that sensation of having them in my arms, chins dripping with milk and eyes so bright that they bore a hole straight into my soul. But I know that time will pass, and I will no longer have arms full of babies. Just a heart full of memories.

Father's Day

On Chris' First Father's Day,

this baby rolled over. Stomach to back!

Go Beckett :)

Blake Update

I am amazed that two children born only one minute apart can be so completely and totally different. Beckett is an easy baby. He greets each day with a smile and ends it with a coo. He is a great eater and gains weight easily, if not a little too quickly. He entertains himself, yet loves to be stimulated. When he smiles, his whole face lights up. Blake is the exact opposite. He cries from the moment he opens his eyes. While he loves to eat, he spits up the majority of his meals. He gains weight very very slowly. He has no idea what entertaining himself means. All he knows is the minute his tiny little bum touches anything other than somebody's arms, he will holler. He gets overstimulated and he can't self soothe. So all this adds up to a very busy day and a very busy momma. Oh....and some tears.

Clearly I know that I shouldn't compare my children. Yet, I find myself doing it all the time. Especially because they are twins. What one does, shouldn't the other? As Blake has gotten older I have noticed that Beckett seems to be passing him by in motor skills. Blake doesn't have very good head control. He keeps his little hands in fists. And he doesn't bring himself into midline. So after spending 1 1/2 hours with the physical therapist from Neonatal Follow Up, Blake is now enrolled in 1st Steps. This is a program subsidized by the state that enables babies to reach and achieve their milestones. Once a week, both a physical and occupational therapist will come to my house and work with Blake for an hour. And as she was telling me all this, I began to feel a little overwhelmed. Nobody wants to hear that their child needs to go into therapy. She reassured me that there is nothing neurologically wrong, that he is simply developmentally behind what a normal 3 1/2 month old baby ( that is his corrected age) would be doing. She asked me if I had any questions. And while the questions were spinning within my head, I felt as if I were on sensory overload, I was not able to get any questions out.

Here is what I do know though. I don't care if we have to go to therapy everyday, and I don't care if we have to go for the next ten years. I will do everything in my power to ensure that Blake succeeds. Not because I am some heroine, but simply because I am a momma.

Little Crab Babies :)

Memorial Weekend

People always told me that parenthood flies. Certainly in the midst of sleep deprivation you feel as though you are a slug who will never cross the finish line, yet I don't know where the past four months have gone. Did I blink and my babies are now in 3 month clothing? What happens if I blink again? Kindergarten? Parenting is so bittersweet. Meaning I can't wait until the belly laugh, sit up, walk, talk, yet I mourn the stage we leave behind. I always laughed at my sister and how sentimental she was when it came to her girls, and now it's me that's an emotional mess. I really could stare at my boys ALL DAY LONG. And when they fall asleep at night I can't help but creep into their room and watch them dream. And wonder where their dreams will lead them. (Hopefully never to far from their momma) :-)

Anyway, we took the boys to the pool for Memorial Day. I couldn't wait to show them off, because last summer nobody even knew we were pregnant.