Christmas

I can't believe that it is Christmas once again. It seems like only last week that we were celebrating Christmas down in Florida. And yet, in the span of only one single year, so much has changed in our lives. This certainly isn't what I had planned for or hoped for. This is the first Christmas in my adult life that I will not have my Baylor beside me. She loved Christmas. Certainly those of you that don't have animals may scoff at the notion that a dog loved the festivities of this holiday, but then again, you didn't know my dog. I bought her holiday collars and hats, holiday leashes and bones. She never left the house unadorned. I took her to see Santa every single year, much to the dismay of Santa. And yet it is not simply those times wrapped in celebration that I miss so much, it is the fact that she is not beside me when I lay my head down at night. It is her companionship and loyalty that I continue to long for. And of course, this Christmas, I thought that I would barely be able to open presents, for my belly would get in the way. I was supposed to be over seven months pregnant. I was supposed to be able to feel her kicking me, warming me up from the inside. I was supposed to have packages to open intended for her impeding arrival. I was supposed to kiss my husband under the mistletoe with his hand over my belly, dreaming of all that our future held with the promise of a little girl. So certainly this Christmas is not what we had hoped for. There are times when I find it difficult to be happy for others, or celebrating the spirit of the season. For where is my spirit? At times I think it died along with my baby. But I continue to get up and out of bed. I continue to go through the motions of the day, knowing that one day, my heart will heal.
Yesterday was a very hard day. We celebrated Christmas with my family. I was dreading the entire day. So hesitant to go and celebrate and participate in the festivities when my heart was so dark. Yet as soon as I walked in I felt almost enveloped in a circle of love. So many people coming up to me, hugging me, listening to me, praying for me. And I realized that even though there are times that I think that I am alone, I am not. And just when I think that everybody has forgotten her, they have not. You see, I received two ornaments this year. Both were angels, in memory of ours. And though she is not here with us, the fact that she is not forgotten, made me smile and be able to say, "Merry Christmas."