Today

I am not sure where this post is going, or where it will end up. I am just going to write. And yet as I sit down here at the computer, I am at a loss for words. How can I contain my grief of one year in simply one post? How can I detail the heartache that envelops me? How can I describe that while I am here, I am gone. I am no longer the person that I once was. She no longer exists. There are moments when I would like to find her, to bring her back. To let her sit beside me and tell me tales of all her crazy and carefree adventures. But if she came back, then I never would have experienced a love so strong that it brought me to my knees. Truly, down on my knees. Asking for Him, begging for Him. And still searching for Him.
Today was supposed to be a day of new beginnings. Of things yet undiscovered. Of innocence not yet lost. Of a family being created. On the contrary, today is simply a day of sadness. Of grief. Of loss. One year ago today, our dog, Baylor died. Today was the day that Harper was supposed to make her grand entrance, into the world, and into my arms. As I sit here, my arms are empty. There is no baby to rejoice over, and there is no dog for me to lay my head upon and cry. And yet, as utterly alone as that may seem, I am at peace. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. As a child, never did I imagine that such heartache would enter into my existence. I dreamed of fairy tales. Of happily ever after. But then what happens when your ever after isn't so happy? This past year I have delved and explored the boundaries of my soul. I have questioned my very existence. I have been dangling upon the precipice of insanity. Flirting with disaster, within the confines of my own mind. And yet, here I am. I survived. But for the grace of God, here I am.
And I'm certainly not saying that my faith has not been rocked to it core. That I have not looked up to the heavens and cursed Him. Hated Him. Turned from Him. And there are days that I still turn away. And yet, I know that I am here because of Him. I have lost so much this year. Clearly the obvious, my dog and my child. But I lost more than I had ever bargained for. I lost my innocence and faith in a beautiful world. Tragedy is not greedy, she is not selective. She will strike you down with one glancing blow. Never considering the aftermath. The devastation that she left behind.
Much of this past year, I have spent alone. I have changed. I am a different person than I once was. I have gone through a maturation process that can't be undone. And because of that, I am no longer who I once was. I have lost friends. Friends that I thought would be with me for a lifetime.
For so long, I used to believe that grief needed to be quantified. That one must be able to categorize their pain. And that there were certainly tiers of pain. That one loss must be greater than another. That the loss of parent must be greater and more heartfelt than the loss of an unborn child. That the loss of a loved one to a disease must be more painful than the loss of a pet. And now, I believe that pain cannot be contained, classified, or categorized. Pain is an emotion that each one of us is entitled to. To experience it for as long as it is necessary to heal. For how can one judge? Is it easier to lose someone after loving them, knowing their hope and dreams? Or is it easier to lose someone you never met, but had hopes and dreams for them?
Today was a hard day. As this day was approaching, I became almost incapacitated with fear and anxiety. How would I get through this day? The answer is simple. One step at a time. For today, when I woke up, I already had messages of support for me. People that I never expected. New friends that I have made. Letting me know that they didn't forget. My sister sent me flowers. My mom sent me cards. My aunts and cousins all gave me cards. I was surrounded, embraced even with kindness. When I needed it the most, there it was.
I ended the day by putting Baylor's memorial marker down where she is buried. For so long I had waited to find the perfect stone. The perfect tribute to a memory so untainted. And then when I found what I wanted I was afraid that it wouldn't be here on time. But it was. And Chris and I sat there, remembering her and the times we shared. And longing for Harper and the time we never got. And it was okay. And with tears streaming down my face, I can say that I am okay too. It has been a shitty year. But my marriage is stronger, my faith is deeper, and my hope continues to bloom. And if we have hope, then we have life. May God bless all of you that have loved me so well this past year.

"In three words I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on." Robert Frost

the white rose is for Harper: pure love

the red rose is for Baylor: fierce love

the yellow rose is for our marriage: How true the words,

"For on this day, I will marry my best friend."