Tuesday, April 19, 2011
About Working....
I go back to work tomorrow. As I sit here nursing the boys, so many emotions are running through me. But mostly my heart just hurts. I never thought I would wear the role of motherhood so comfortably. I never pictured myself with children. After Harper though all that changed. I desperately wanted to be a momma. Yet I never knew what kind of momma I would be. Or if I would like it. Here's the thing....I love it. And nothing in my life, nothing that I could ever do or accomplish will be as great, as momentous as raising my boys. Certainly there are days that are hard. Days where I am crying, almost just as much as them. Days where I would sell a limb for 2o minutes to myself and nice hot shower. But even those days, when the laundry is piled four loads high and diapers are spilling out of the genie, even those days, I wouldn't trade. To me, these boys are a miracle. My miracle. I feel as if I've waited my whole life to reach this certain point. The journey I was on, led me here, to them. And everything, even losing Harper, is now so clear to me. This is me. This is who I am. I am a momma. I am their momma. And I don't want to miss a thing. I never expected this, to feel this way. To be so madly deeply in love with my boys. Intoxicated by them. And now here I sit, on the eve of my return. And I can't stop the tears. I worked so hard to become a nurse. It was not easy. And then it took me 4 years to get the position of my dreams. If I left now, there is no guarantee that I would ever be able to have my job/position back. But would I even want it back? I don't know. The only position I want now is that of being a mommy. Chris and I have talked about my return. He keeps telling me that I don't need to or have to go back. He is being a prince among men. His patience astounds me. He wants me to be happy, wherever that is. And for that I am grateful. So we will see. Tomorrow is just one day. I can do anything for one day. I just have to get through the night. Tears will fall and a heart will break.
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I remember feeling exactly like this when I finally had to go back to work. I had spent nearly 6 months by the girls' sides and suddenly I had to go sit in an office all day? Forget it! But I did it, and, in the end, I'm glad. It's better for me and my family if I work.
ReplyDeleteWhatever your decision is, it will be the right one for you and your family. Best of luck on your first day back!
All you can do is take it one day at a time. You are the best mommy! What lucky little boys to have you!
ReplyDeleteMay I share some thoughts as a stay-at-home mom?
ReplyDeleteBefore having children, I had planned on working. In fact, my husband is a firefighter. Our plan was for me to finish my degree and be the main supporter of the family. Then, months after graduation our first child was born. I knew immediately that I wanted to be home with him. I have been blessed with a husband that supported that even though it was a drastic change of plans. Three kids later and it has been one of the best decisions I have made.
It hasn't always been the easy road. Our bank account certainly suffers. At times, terribly. Occasionally, the school loans scream at me for not getting that career meant to pay them off. And then there still days I dream about what having a career of my own would look like.
With all that, I still know I ultimately have my dream job. I am so blessed to get to share so much of my kids' lives. I didn't want to strive to be there for all of their "firsts". I wanted to be there for their seconds and thirds. For the good days and the bad ones, too.
I pass no judgement on those who choose a different path, but I know this is not one I will ever regret. There is no paycheck, no job title, no career that will ever compare to the satisfaction that I get from being home with them.