6 Months

Where did the time go? I can't quite believe that my babies, the tiny little souls that I prayed for for so long have now been here on this earth for six months. I can close my eyes and still remember sitting in the doctor's office as he told me that my cervix was much too short. I can remember the fear I had before the surgery and begging him to get me to viability. I could not lose another baby. And maintain my sanity. I remember how long the winter was, as I was confined to the house. Watching the world pass me by. Wishing for freedom. Wishing for an end to the pain. Praying for healthy babies. I remember the relief as each week passed after viability. And I remember the night my water broke. The joy I felt as one journey had ended and yet another one was just beginning.

I remember how tiny they were when I held them for the first time. How my hands trembled and my heart beat so quickly with excitement. How awed I was that these babies were mine. I remember once they both came home and how small they looked in their carseats. How helpless they were. How they made the tiniest little squeaks and grunts. How cloudy their eyes still were and how tightly their hands would turn to fists. I remember falling asleep with them between us and waking up looking their sweet faces. And I guess somehow the days passed, one after another. Now my babies are no longer tiny. And while I am so happy that they continue to grow, I am nothing short of devastated as the stages continue to pass.

Before I had children, it was all about me. I had "me" days. Days filled with massages and pedicures. Lunches and book clubs. Shopping and naps. I had such freedom. I could get in the car, blast the radio and just drive. I could take baths for hours and sleep until noon. I COULD GO TO THE GYM ANYTIME I WANTED. My life had no strings attached. Once I became pregnant, I would hear over and over again how much your life changes. That children change everything. I would smile and nod. Yet secretly disagree. My life would be the same, just a little bit fuller. Well six months into parenthood I can safely say that I didn't have a clue. My world has been tilted, rocked, tipped, and kicked. Every day, I wake up sleep deprived to look into a mirror that is not as kind as it once was. I get spit on, peed on, pooped on and still don't care what bodily fluid I'm wearing as long as the babies look good. My days consist of leaking boobs, explosive diapers, and projectile vomiting. I have come to love Baby Einstein and coupons. I could tell you which diapers have the best leak control and where to buy the cheapest baby food. I can speak fluently in baby, uttering syllables I never imagined. I cry easily. And at the end of the day, I am asleep before my head hits the pillow. My world has changed.

But I wouldn't change a thing. I believe that this is my destiny. That everything that has happened in my life before, happened so that it could bring me to this singular moment of motherhood. I would live my life all over again, go through all the heartache of the past, just to see them smile.