a melancholy 18 months

It's late.  I should be in bed, fast asleep.  But sleep alludes me now.  As yet another milestone approaches.  A milestone that I am grateful for, yet wistful for what it leaves behind. Their babyhood.  Their necessity of me.  This has been a hard month for me. Pregnant with emotions, ranging from unabashed joy to overwhelming sadness.  I have become acutely aware of my own mortality.  Every ache, every twitch that I have had, has become something of epic proportions.  And yet I know that there is nothing wrong with me. It's not that I am afraid of my death, but rather afraid of leaving the babies behind. These feeling are crazy, completely unfounded. But as my children grow stronger, my heart grows weaker.  In the fact that they will face new adventures, adventures that won't necessarily involve their momma.  And I know that as they walk away, my heart will be dragging behind them.  Vulnerable, exposed.
This love that I have for them is so complicated.  While I want them to reach every milestone in pursuit of the happiness that I believe He holds for them, I cannot help but be selfish in the fact that I want them with me.  Encircled safely within my arms.
There are moments, hundreds throughout the day, when I stop to acknowledge the grace I have been given.  Moments when one of the babies wraps his chubby hands around my neck and touches his nose to mine, and the world stops in that single instant.  And my heart beats so strong that it echoes in my ears and I want to press pause.  But life doesn't pause.  Nor should it, for we would miss such great adventures.
It's not that I am longing for the days of infancy, but rather I want these moments, the ones that I am in right now to last forever.  I wish that I had a camera that was constantly recording because I am so afraid that I will forget one day.  So afraid that I will miss something.  And I don't want to miss a single thing.  This life is better than I imagined.  The love that I have for them trumps everything.  And I can't picture myself in any other moment than this one.  But I know that the pages of our lives will continue to turn.  And the next chapter will unfold, it's just that I wish that this chapter were a little longer.


Beckett:
this month you have started talking.  A lot.  You repeat most everything we ask you to.  And when I hear your little voice, I can't help but giggle.  It's adorable.  You say "oh oh" at the most appropriate times.  You are still in love with trucks.  When you are in the car and you see a truck, you will say "wow.  big truck."  Clearly I think you are a genius.  You like the word no.  You use it mostly with your brother and Zoey.  You love to play with my cell phone and get quite angry when I take it away.  You really like the water and the pool.  Your newest game is"jump jump," where you sit on the edge of the pool and catapult yourself into the water, waiting for us to catch you.  A fun game in the water, not so much on the hardwood steps :(
You have learned to identify certain body parts: belly, nose, foot.  You love love love cranberries.  You are a climber, and that makes your momma nervous.  You still love Zoey, and she loves you.  You love your daddy.  You are still super sensitive and very determined.  This month you stood up for the first time and took your first two steps.


Blake:
this month, especially in the past week, you have really started walking.  I will turn around and there you are.  Standing up and walking toward me.  And it completely blows me away.  I am so proud of you.  You've come a long way, baby.  You still have an obsession with balls (giyes).  You are not as verbal as your brother.  You point to something and just grunt.  However you sign very well.  You can sign: more, all done, milk, bird, ball, and please.  You like watching Baby Einstein.  You can play well by yourself.  You love the water and are not afraid to be dunked.  Your big blue eyes just keep shining, regardless of the chlorine.  You are very friendly and will wave to anybody.  You like cheese, just like your momma.  You have learned how to crawl both up and down the steps.  You love playing with the neighbor's dog.  And you love to swing.  You will notice a playground from your car seat.  You are a great mimic of gestures.  You love to be chased by me or your daddy, and you find it hilarious when you get trapped into a corner.  You are very easygoing, until your not.  Once you get upset, it takes quite a bit to calm you down.  You love to rock with your momma.