20 months

It's late.  I should be in bed.  In fact my eyes are burning from staring at the computer...the blank screen.  Tomorrow is a big day.  A really BIG day.  I have enrolled the babies in a Mother's Day Out program.  It's one morning a week.  Only one morning a week.  Yet on this night, the night before, I feel as if I am preparing for a landslide...of guilt.  I am a guilt ridden person.  To some extent, it is my motivator.  Certainly my enabler.  For the past six months I have flirted with the idea of the boys going to this program...yet I always procrastinated.  There was always an excuse.  The biggest one being the fact that if I am a stay at home mom, what the hell am I doing sending my kids away?  What kind of mom does that make me?  It makes me human.  I have prayed about this decision.  Seriously, down on my knees.  I have accepted the guilt and then denied it.  Crushed it.  Because there is no room for guilt in this house.  There is no one (or two) greater thing in my life than my children.  I believe that they were both my salvation.  Being that they saved me from myself.  Mothering them is the greatest honor I have ever been given.  Everyday with them is a privilege, a gift.  And I am blessed to be able to open that package.  But there are moments, when I long for the freedom of me.  And maybe that's selfish, but just maybe it's honest.  I will never go back to who I was before them. Not only because I don't want to, but quite simply she doesn't exist anymore.  My life is so entwined with these souls, as if I am the tree and they are the ivy wrapped around me. I am so much more now, because of them.  They have colored every page in my book.  But I would like a book all to myself.  One where only I draw the lines.  I know this might not make any sense at all.  I know that I may come across as a selfish person and horrible momma.  But I don't care.  Motherhood does that.  It doesn't leave room for petty judgement.  So here's the thing: tomorrow they are going to "school" and while I know I will cry when I leave them, and that Guilt will be knocking loudly on my conscience, I am going to restore me.
And maybe by taking care of me....it will just so happen that I will be a better momma to them:)

Beckett: this month you have started walking more (finally)!  You still prefer to scoot on your butt, but you are realizing that walking isn't so bad.  You are talking your head off.  You repeat everything we say.  And I love hearing your voice. And you are so appropriate.  For instance, anytime you climb stairs you say "up" and when you want to get off the couch you say "down."  You are learning what animals say.  We can ask you what a cow says and you say "moo."  So clearly you are a GENIUS!  This month you have started calling daddy, "Chris," which initially I thought was HILARIOUS!  But now....a little awkward when we are out in public and Blake is saying daddy and you are saying Chris.  Sometimes in the car, you will be singing to yourself.  One of your favorite songs is 'Ring Around the Rosy" and from the front seat I will hear your little voice singing...."ashes ashes."  You have started to "sign" now too.  I guess you figured if Blake did it...so could you.  You are still obsessed with cars, trucks, tractors, and buses.  Yet if we actually sit you up on a tractor, you lose your ever lovin' mind. Your eating this month has not been great. Especially dinner.  You are the most stubborn child.  You will shake your head no and if I persist in trying to get you to eat, you begin screaming. You want to do everything by yourself.  You are fascinated by locks or clips or tops or buttons.  Anything that you can figure out how to open or shut occupies you for awhile. This month you have really discovered how to irritate your brother.  Apparently pulling his hair is great fun.  You still love to cuddle.  You love your Zoey.  You love your daddy.  And your favorite place is still on my hip:)

Blake: you walk everywhere!  And now you are almost running.  It still blows my mind to see you standing upright.  You have finally started talking.  Not a lot, but definitely enough so that I understand you.  Tonight you said your first sentence, "three cars." Your favorite word is juice. You will hang on the refrigerator door and say "juice" until I acknowledge you and grant you a cup.  You are a signing fool.  You probably know twenty signs.  You still love balls (giye).  Even your brother calls balls "giye" now.  This month I bought you a baseball set, and instinctively you knew what to do with it.  You love going for walks and pointing to EVERYTHING.  Not content until I give you an answer.  Your eating has been great, unless you are sick.  This has been a rough month for you.  Asthma kind of kicked your butt.  But you are such an easygoing baby, you would just let me hold you while I gave you a treatment.  Sometimes your imagination astounds me. You love to pretend.  You pretend to feed your tractor some juice.  Or if someone hands you a stuffed animal, you pretend to make animal noises.  Where did you learn that?!  You are really beginning to like videos.  Especially "Signing Times and Baby Einstein."  This month you have become a little more clingy and a little more opinionated.  If you want something you will let me know....and if you don't get, you SCREAM.  Your brother has been irritating you this month, and you usually just take it.  (Which is so crazy because you could take him...as you weigh two pounds more than him).  You like to play "happy feet."  This month you were officially discharged from Neonatal Follow Up!!!  You are a rockstar.  You love love love your daddy.  You think he hung the moon.  But lately, you think my arms are the greatest, and will crawl right up into my lap and hug me.  And time stops:)