Ramblings

I need to write more. Writing sustains me in a way that little else does. My fingers dance over the keyboard with a choreographed movement that is dictated from deep within. And yet I've e haven't been dancing that routine. Certainly I'm tired. The infant stage was hard, but the toddler stage? It's.A.Lot. The boys are both fiercely independent and incredibly needy. One minute they are disobeying me as I tell them not to run in the parking lot and the next moment they won't let me put them down. It's an emotional roller coasts. And I'm simply the passenger on the train that they're driving. Sigh. Logically I know I need to take the wheel. Be in control. But sometimes I'm just to tired. If they refuse to eat anything but cheese puffs....so be it. At least they are eating. But this discipline is hard. I've said numerous times to other mothers that I was prepared for the demands of parenthood, but I was completely unprepared, taken aback, at a loss, and overwhelmed by discipline. I'm not above spanking. I was spanked and so was Chris.  And it was effective. But what do you do when your son hits your other son? You tell him that hitting is wrong, after you've spanked him?! Kind of hypocritical. But still, I spank....because its effective. Except for the fact that I feel worse afterwards than they do. I however am NOT okay with somebody else spanking my child. Only Chris or myself have both that privilege and responsibility. And it's a great responsibility. I want to raise my boys to be good Christian men. With open hearts and minds. With compassion toward people, animals, and nature. I want them to respect themselves and others. To accept that they will always have what they need...but getting what they want is something that they must work toward. And when they achieve that goal...how great they will feel. But what if I mess up? Now? What if I don't discipline enough? Or too much? Sometimes when I think too much about the future, it prohibits me from savoring the present. So I just need to take a breath. And realize that this very moment, the trials of daily life, is a gift. Hence..,the present :)
And if I could bottle up their voices, their high pitched tinny animated and angelic voices, bursting forth with the most innocent yet deliberate observations and statements....I would. And I would press repeat over and over again.