HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Tomorrow is their third birthday.  And I'm not really sure how that can be possible.  Why is it that time can seem like such a blur.  I look at the pictures on my phone, my computer, my walls of the past three years and I have a hard time remembering.  Certainly I can recall that event.  And what they wore and where we were....but for those singular moments that occupied each and every day of their lives?  No.  I don't remember.  I will stare at a single picture of them in their babyhood trying desperately to remember just what their chubby little hands felt like against my skin.  How their belly laughs must have sounded.  What is was like to pick them up out of the bathtub, all squirming and squeaky delight.  How the peach fuzz on their heads slowly turned into a mess of blond spikes softer than any down pillow.  What it felt like to hold them both, one in each arm, nestled snugly on my chest.  I have a hard time remembering.  And it makes me sad. But not devastated. And maybe that is the heart's way of persevering.  That the memories aren't so fresh that one can't overcome the lingering comfort of the past.  That saying goodbye to the past allows one to greet the future with vigor.  Maybe it's all part of His master plan.  Even so...it's a good thing for cameras;)
I have been struggling with three.  It just sounds so old.  At two, they are still babies.  But three?  Three year olds are potty trained.  Preschool age.  Sleep in big boy beds.  Switch to booster seats.  There is no remnant of babyhood in the third year.  They will be boys.  Little boys.  Not babies ever again.
Yet I am looking forward to three.  Because year two has been a challenge.  I love being a momma.  I am blessed beyond measure to get to parent these littles.  But the past year has had it moments.  Mainly discipline.  It sucks.  The hardest part of parenting thus far for me has been discipline.  It has brought me to my knees.  I have no idea whether I'm doing the right thing or scarring their little psyches.  How can I tell them not to hit when I turn around and spank them for it??  How is putting them in time out going to make them want to eat their vegetables??  When did bribery become my best friend regarding maintaining control of them in public??  There have been days when I've been exhausted, literally at the end of my rope.  Tearful, overwhelmed, defeated.  Days when I had to call my neighbor and ask her for help.  Please come take a baby.  I'm done.  I.CAN'T.DO.IT.ANYMORE.
And like the angel that she is, like the angels that have surrounded me ever since these boys came down from heaven, grace answers.
Motherhood is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.  EVER.  It is a roller coaster of emotion.  Ranging from doubt to certainty and from despair to triumph.  I have never in my life loved with such reckless abandon.  And it is terrifying and gratifying all in the same moment.  Since becoming a momma I have become a hypochondriac.  Really.  Every ailment that I have I am convinced that it is something horrible.  Terminal.  And it's not that I am afraid to die.  I am a Christian.  I know that heaven awaits. It's just that I don't want to leave them.  Even though the days can be frustrating, I don't want to miss a thing.  I've waited my whole life for this privilege.  Having a child is one thing.  Mothering a child is something completely different.  Being a momma is the greatest honor of my life.  Here's to the next year!!

Beckett: you are a pistol.  You are determined and stubborn.  You are deliberate and methodical.  You do everything with a purpose.  We always call you our "little engineer."  Your vocabulary is immense.  You know all your colors and letters. Your memory is phenomenal.  You are a great eater.  You love any type of fruit.  And are willing to try new things.  You are a little OCD, (just like your momma).  If something is out of order, or if somebody messes up what you have created, you lose your cool.  Your patience is lacking.  You want what you want when you want it.  And most of the time, I give you your way;0  You are fascinated with airplanes, helicopters, and school buses.  Currently you are in love with Toy Story, Elmo, and Caillou.  You love guitars.  And I love how you say guitar, "bitar."  You have no interest in potty training.  You go to bed beautifully but then once in bed, you fight sleep like a champion.  You will stay awake in your bed for hours.  Talking, singing, irritating your brother.  You are definitely a leader. You are busy.  From the moment your eyes open, you are moving.  Yet you still want to be sweet.  You will come up to me and say, "just love me."  You are both defiant and a pleaser.  You are sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily.  You have the craziest sliest grin I've ever seen.  You have a gap between your two top teeth that I just love.  Right now if you need to get something you say, "I be right back," and you put your hand up as if to stop me from following you.  Because clearly whatever you are going to get is not going to be momma approved;)  But I'll wait for you to come back....forever and ever.

Blake: you are a little love.  You are sweet and patient.  You can be painfully shy at times and then absolutely hilarious at others.  You know that you are funny and try hard to make us laugh.  Mostly by dancing.  You have more rhythm at age two than your momma has now.  You love to hang out with other kids, especially Claire, and will quickly sit down to play with them.  You never ever complain when you have to do a "treatment" for asthma.  I think you know that it makes you feel better.  Actually some of my favorite times with you are in the middle of the night, just the two of us and the nebulizer.  You are still kind of asleep and you just let me hold you.  You know most of your letters and colors.  Your vocabulary is finally taking off...but we still have a hard time understanding all of it.  Just recently you have started stuttering.  The therapist thinks it might be because you have so much to finally say but you just can't get it all out.  So we will see.  I love how you say things though.  "I no do it."  "I do myself."  "I no find it." You absolutely love animals.  Your love for Zoey warms my heart.  I'm sure you would have loved Baylor too.  You love all sports and especially going to the UofL basketball games to watch Luke play.  When I put on your tennis shoes in the morning, you ask me if they are your "Luke" shoes.  You are not a good eater.  AT ALL. No fruits unless it's in a pouch and no vegetables.  We have a long way to go on that.  You have no interest in the potty either.  You love love your bath.  You stay in the tub long after all the water has drained. You are a great sleeper and love taking naps and going to sleep.  You are starting to become a little bit more mischievous and are certainly testing your independence. If I tell you no, you will look at me and do what i asked you not to do again, but in a much softer way;) You love love to cuddle.  And I love that you still put your woobie, (lovie) on your head.  Even your brother does that now.  You make me laugh Blake.  And that makes this momma very happy.