Following Through

I HAVE A BUCKET LIST.  I'M CERTAIN MOST EVERYBODY DOES.  THINGS THAT ONE HOPES TO ACCOMPLISH IN LIFE.  I HAD A LOT OF TIME TO PONDER MY LIST.  I WAS ON BEDREST FOR 111 DAYS.  AS IN FLAT ON MY BACK, NOT ABLE TO MOVE EXCEPT TO USE THE BATHROOM.  SOMETIMES DAYDREAMING WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING THAT PROPELLED ME TO THE NEXT HOUR, THE NEXT MINUTE.  LOSING BAYLOR WAS HARD.  LOSING HARPER WAS HARD.  LOSING MY MIND DURING THOSE 111 DAYS WAS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE.  I CAN SAY THIS NOW.  I WAS SUICIDAL.  SO CLOSE TO THE EDGE.  WANTING REALLY TO JUMP.  TO END THE NOTHINGNESS THAT HAD CONSUMED ME THE MINUTE MY CERVIX WAS SEWN SHUT. I CLIMBED DEEP INTO THAT HOLE OF DARKNESS.  I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT OUT.  LOOKING BACK I AM IN AWE OF THE GRACE THAT MUST HAVE SURROUNDED ME.  OF  HIS PURPOSE FOR ME.  I WAS ALONE....ALL DAY LONG.  I WAS ON ENOUGH MEDICATION TO EUTHANIZE AN ELEPHANT.  I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY.  AND YET HERE I AM.  THREE YEARS LATER, I AM ALIVE AND LIVING WITH THE TWO GREATEST LITTLES.  MY PURPOSE IS SO CLEAR NOW.
IN THOSE HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS OF DARKNESS THERE WERE BURSTS OF LIGHT.  MOMENTS WHEN HOPE TURN HER FACE TO THE SUN AND WARM ME WITH HER RAYS.  IT WAS DURING THOSE MOMENTS THAT A SEED WAS PLANTED.  A GOAL WAS IMAGINED.  I WANTED TO RUN A MINI MARATHON.  13.1 MILES.
I STARTED TRAINING IN JANUARY.  I DIDN'T NECESSARILY PICK JANUARY TO BEGIN TRAINING.  IT JUST FELT RIGHT.  I HAD GOTTEN AN EMAIL ABOUT THE 10 MILE RACE AND THOUGHT THAT JUST MAYBE I COULD RUN 10 MILES.  AND SO I TRAINED.  A LOT.  I WAS SO DISCIPLINED.  I LINED UP CHILDCARE SO I COULD RUN.  I RAN WHILE THEY WERE AT MOTHER'S DAY OUT.  I RAN BEFORE THEY WOKE UP.  I JUST RAN.  AND I ROCKED IT OUT THE DAY OF THE RACE.  AS I CROSSED THE FINISH LINE, WITH CHRIS, I WAS CRYING.  I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF.  AND I KNEW I COULD DO THE MINI.
I HADN'T PLANNED ON DOING THE MINI THIS YEAR.  BUT I WAS NEVER GOING TO TRAIN THIS HARD AGAIN.  I MIGHT NOT EVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY OR BE IN THIS GOOD OF SHAPE AGAIN.  AND THEN THERE IS THE MINDSET THAT IF YOU CAN RUN 10 MILES, THEN YOU CAN RUN 13.  (FOR THE RECORD THAT IS ABSOLUTE BULL).
I TOLD CHRIS I WANTED TO RUN.  HE SAID HE WOULD RUN IT WITH ME.  AND TOGETHER WE STARTED TRAINING.
THREE WEEKS BEFORE THE RACE I WAS ON BREATHING TREATMENTS EVERY 6 HOURS AND STEROIDS TWICE A DAY FOR MY ASTHMA.  TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE RACE I HAD THAT "AWFUL STOMACH VIRUS."  TEN DAYS BEFORE THE RACE I HAD AN INGROWN TOENAIL.  EIGHT DAYS BEFORE THE RACE I BROKE MY TOE.
I WENT TO THE PODIATRIST.  SHE TOOK AN XRAY TO CONFIRM THE BREAK.  I SAT IN HER OFFICE AND CRIED.  BIG UGLY CRY.  I TOLD HER THAT I HAD TRAINED FOR THIS RACE.  THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I'D BE ABLE TO DO....AND DIDN'T KNOW IF I'D EVER DO IT AGAIN.  I TOLD HER I HAD TO RUN.  I NEEDED TO RUN.  SHE TOLD ME THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IDEA, but THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD WHERE I WAS COMING FROM.  SHE BUDDY SPLINTED MY TOE AND TOLD ME TO NOT RUN AT ALL BEFORE THE RACE.  AND IF I DID RUN THE RACE SHE NEEDED ME TO COME BACK TO HER OFFICE THE DAY AFTER SO SHE COULD CHECK ME OUT AGAIN.
I SAT IN THE PARKING LOT AND CRIED.  I CRIED TO CHRIS.  I CRIED TO MY MOM.  I WAS MEAN TO THE BOYS. I WAS DEVASTATED.
BUT THEN IT'S ONLY A TOE.  THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD, EVERYWHERE IN THIS WORLD, WHO WOULD GLADLY TRADE A BROKEN TOE FOR THE AILMENTS THAT AFFECT THEM.  IT IS JUST A TOE.  I WAS ON BEDREST FOR 111 DAYS.  A LONG DAMN TIME.  I COULD RUN FOR 3 HOURS.
AND....I DID.  I RAN THE MINI MARATHON.  IT WAS HARD.  IT WAS PAINFUL.  EXCRUCIATING AT TIMES.  THERE WERE TEARS.  THERE WAS SWEARING.  BUT THERE WAS DETERMINATION.  AND A WILL TO FINISH.  AND I DID.  BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I COULD.  I KNEW THAT THAT SEED PLANTED OVER THREE YEARS AGO HAD GROWN INTO A STOUT TREE OF HOPE NOW.
VICTORY WAS MINE.  I DID IT.