random thoughts

I hate guns.  Everything about them.  I don't believe that any good comes from a gun.  The fact that I have two boys, one of whom loves guns scares the crap out of me.  How do I teach him to differentiate a fake gun from a real one?  What happens if he goes for a play date and finds a gun?  A real one? But he thinks its fake?  The consequences of that scenario start to overwhelm me and I become obsessed with all the "what ifs."
Lately I have been struggling with....everything.  The violence that is happening not just out in the world, but literally out our front door is disheartening at best.  I am not a fearful person.  In fact I am quite trusting, to the point of being naive. But every time I open my eyes, I want to close them back so quickly.  I don't like what I see .  I don't like what is happening in this world.  I don't like how it's making me fearful.  There are days I don't want to leave the house.  Terrified that I may be the victim of a random shooting.  And this fear is controlling me.  And the devil is winning.
I have been down on my knees, searching my heart for the truth.  I desperately need truth right now.  I believe that God knew from the moment of our creation when we would take our last breath.  I believe that.  But I have a very hard time, a VERY hard time reconciling that with random violence.  Did God know that those two innocent police men in New York were going to be gunned down execution style?  And if He did know that, then why couldn't He intervene?  Because I believe that God can intervene.  But He doesn't.  And I struggle with that.  I have no doubt in my mind that there is a picture bigger than I can imagine, that He has painted and perfected.  I'm sure that picture is beautiful.  But right now the world looks ugly to me.  I have such a hard time finding beauty outside of my own little bubble.  And I hate that.  I hate that the devil is trying to win by taking my fear and owning it as if it were a prize.  I want to be strong.  But mostly I want to be free.  From all this fear that is weighing me down and corroding my heart.  I want to be able to raise my boys to be wise in this world but to seek the beauty that lies in every heart.  And that is hard to do when I don't even want to open my eyes.