Easter

Easter Lillies from Church

Easter Sunday was beautiful. In every aspect, from the sun warming my face to the laughter of my nieces echoing through the halls. If I could freeze certain moments in my life, and relive them over and over, calling them back to me, just like a familiar smell, I would choose this Easter. The warmth of my family surrounded me and the renewed faith of my once lost soul calmed me. For so long now, I have desperately struggled with my faith. After Harper died, I was lost. I was hanging by a very weak thread. I hated Him. And what He had done. To me. I hated going to church. And so I stopped. And I became lonely. I experienced a solitude unlike anything I had ever known. For where could I turn, when I turned my back on Him? Nowhere. There was nowhere for me to go. And I was drowning. I needed help. And then our Pastor called. In a sense, I fell to my knees. And I begged. And I shouted at the heavens for the injustice that had become my life. And I pounded my fists in anger. And the tears stained my cheeks. And then I took a deep breath. A really deep breath. And I opened my heart once again to Him. The next Sunday, we were in Church. And the Sunday after that. And so on. I'm not cured. I still have hard days. Some days it's all I can do to get myself out of the bed, put one foot in front of the other. But on other days I'm able to see the beauty of the world. To grasp it with both hands, the sheer elation of life. Of living. He is risen. And slowly now too, my hope rises with Him.

The program from church for Easter Sunday

In honor of Harper

In memory of Baylor

Yes....that is a real duck!

Lily's Birthday

March 28 was my niece Lily's ninth birthday. We celebrated with just the family on Sunday night. Of course, Lily had a sleepover the night before with her friends. Apparently they stayed up until the wee hours of the morning. Giggling, talking, and who knows what else!? It's hard to believe that she is nine. And it's hard to believe that a nine year old would be so into fashion. But she is! She knows what she wants to wear and exactly how she wants to look. Her wardrobe is more diverse than mine. And she rocks her new bikini! I feel as if I will blink and she will be picking out her prom dress. Anyway, it was a great evening. Happy Birthday Lily!

Today

I am not sure where this post is going, or where it will end up. I am just going to write. And yet as I sit down here at the computer, I am at a loss for words. How can I contain my grief of one year in simply one post? How can I detail the heartache that envelops me? How can I describe that while I am here, I am gone. I am no longer the person that I once was. She no longer exists. There are moments when I would like to find her, to bring her back. To let her sit beside me and tell me tales of all her crazy and carefree adventures. But if she came back, then I never would have experienced a love so strong that it brought me to my knees. Truly, down on my knees. Asking for Him, begging for Him. And still searching for Him.
Today was supposed to be a day of new beginnings. Of things yet undiscovered. Of innocence not yet lost. Of a family being created. On the contrary, today is simply a day of sadness. Of grief. Of loss. One year ago today, our dog, Baylor died. Today was the day that Harper was supposed to make her grand entrance, into the world, and into my arms. As I sit here, my arms are empty. There is no baby to rejoice over, and there is no dog for me to lay my head upon and cry. And yet, as utterly alone as that may seem, I am at peace. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. As a child, never did I imagine that such heartache would enter into my existence. I dreamed of fairy tales. Of happily ever after. But then what happens when your ever after isn't so happy? This past year I have delved and explored the boundaries of my soul. I have questioned my very existence. I have been dangling upon the precipice of insanity. Flirting with disaster, within the confines of my own mind. And yet, here I am. I survived. But for the grace of God, here I am.
And I'm certainly not saying that my faith has not been rocked to it core. That I have not looked up to the heavens and cursed Him. Hated Him. Turned from Him. And there are days that I still turn away. And yet, I know that I am here because of Him. I have lost so much this year. Clearly the obvious, my dog and my child. But I lost more than I had ever bargained for. I lost my innocence and faith in a beautiful world. Tragedy is not greedy, she is not selective. She will strike you down with one glancing blow. Never considering the aftermath. The devastation that she left behind.
Much of this past year, I have spent alone. I have changed. I am a different person than I once was. I have gone through a maturation process that can't be undone. And because of that, I am no longer who I once was. I have lost friends. Friends that I thought would be with me for a lifetime.
For so long, I used to believe that grief needed to be quantified. That one must be able to categorize their pain. And that there were certainly tiers of pain. That one loss must be greater than another. That the loss of parent must be greater and more heartfelt than the loss of an unborn child. That the loss of a loved one to a disease must be more painful than the loss of a pet. And now, I believe that pain cannot be contained, classified, or categorized. Pain is an emotion that each one of us is entitled to. To experience it for as long as it is necessary to heal. For how can one judge? Is it easier to lose someone after loving them, knowing their hope and dreams? Or is it easier to lose someone you never met, but had hopes and dreams for them?
Today was a hard day. As this day was approaching, I became almost incapacitated with fear and anxiety. How would I get through this day? The answer is simple. One step at a time. For today, when I woke up, I already had messages of support for me. People that I never expected. New friends that I have made. Letting me know that they didn't forget. My sister sent me flowers. My mom sent me cards. My aunts and cousins all gave me cards. I was surrounded, embraced even with kindness. When I needed it the most, there it was.
I ended the day by putting Baylor's memorial marker down where she is buried. For so long I had waited to find the perfect stone. The perfect tribute to a memory so untainted. And then when I found what I wanted I was afraid that it wouldn't be here on time. But it was. And Chris and I sat there, remembering her and the times we shared. And longing for Harper and the time we never got. And it was okay. And with tears streaming down my face, I can say that I am okay too. It has been a shitty year. But my marriage is stronger, my faith is deeper, and my hope continues to bloom. And if we have hope, then we have life. May God bless all of you that have loved me so well this past year.

"In three words I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on." Robert Frost

the white rose is for Harper: pure love

the red rose is for Baylor: fierce love

the yellow rose is for our marriage: How true the words,

"For on this day, I will marry my best friend."

A Very Busy Day

Yesterday was just a wonderful day. From start to finish. I woke up early, very early. I decided to run in the first leg of the triple crown run. It was a 5k race. Let me preface this by the fact that I have never run a 5k in my life! But I decided to give it the old college try. Don't get me wrong, I was nervous. What if I didn't finish? But once I got down there and saw my friends, and nearly 15,000 others crazy runners, I was okay. As soon as the race started, the sun came out. And I loved it. I even finished in the top third. I certainly can understand why running can be addicting. However after I woke up this morning, barely being able to move, I don't think I'm in any danger of becoming a marathoner:)

After the race, Chris and I then went to a basketball game. The last regular season game, and the last one in the arena before a new downtown arena opens. Our team had to win this game. Our dreams of going to the NCAA tournament were on the line. We were considered a "bubble team." Not only did our boys win, they beat the #1 team in the country. What a way to end an era! Go Cards!

Then we were off to church. My niece, Claire, was getting baptized. And Chris was her godfather. Which is quite a big deal. He has never before had the title godfather. So he was quite excited. Claire, however was not super pleased when the priest dumped water on her head. At least she looked beautiful.

Chris and I had such a good day. Spent with each other, family, and friends. There are certain days in one's life that you wish you could pause, just to relive over and over. Yesterday was one of those days. When I fell asleep last night, I was exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I felt blessed.

More of Jack

Clearly Jack is doing quite well at home with his mommy and daddy. However it is obvious, by this picture, that Jack has a little something on his mind. Something that is making him so happy. So why is Jack smiling? Well, it's because his lovely cousin, Wendy, is going to be his godmother. That's right. Courtney asked me today. I didn't know what to say...so I just started crying. After the tears were dried, I accepted. What an honor for me. So while Jack may be smiling, I am glowing. I promise not to let you down, Jack.

Jack

On December 29, 2009, Jack was born. He is the child of my first cousin, Bryce. We are an exceptionally close family, as all the cousins grew up together and continue to celebrate birthdays, first communions, weddings, anniversaries, or any other occasion that might be cause for a get together. I still remember where I was, getting my car repaired, when I got the call from Bryce. "We have a baby boy!" Then silence. Then, "Are you working today?" Jack was born with a congenital diaphragmatic hernia. The odds were stacked against him. A diaphragmatic hernia does not have a good prognosis. Nobody knew what was going to happen. All we could do was pray. And we did plenty of that. The fact that I just happen to be a nurse in the unit where Jack was, proved to be a great blessing, for both Jack and myself. For right before Jack was born, I was still consumed with my own grief and my own loss. But when Jack arrived, there was no place for that anymore. My focus turned to him, to help him heal. Jack was in the hospital one month. I only missed two days. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to have your child in the hospital, to not get to hold him, smell him, even touch him. I'm sure that their entire stay was somewhat of a blur. And so for Jack, and his parents, I chronicled his journey. Because I know that I would have wanted somebody to do that for my baby.

Cupid Strikes Again

We had a lovely Valentine's Day. Well, actually we celebrated a day early, on Saturday. The day began with a manicure and pedicure...for both of us! That's right, I made my husband go with me. But don't let him fool you, he loved it. While the woman was massaging the lotion over his feet, his eyes rolled back in his head, he looked at me and said, "Why don't we do this more often?" Who knew I fell in love with a metrosexual? Then we went shopping. I got two new pair of jeans and two new shirts. Perfect! Then we came home, showered, and got ready for dinner. But before we left for dinner, Chris surprised me with BLING! He gave me a diamond bangle bracelet and earrings. I was as giddy as a school girl. Why is it that diamonds make one feel so much prettier? So with my new bling adorning my body, we went to a little Italian restaurant. It was so quaint and warm. The restaurant was actually in an old home. Every dining room had a fireplace, which we were able to sit right next to. We shared an entire bottle of wine, had cheesecake for dessert, and toasted to each other. Valentine's Day could possibly become my favorite holiday. What's not to love? It was a perfect evening, and the night reminded me once again how much I love my husband.