Sunday, December 30, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
An early 23 months
This is the last month that I can mention months when referring to the babies. Nobody will want to hear they are 27 months, 31 months, etc. And that makes me sad. I honestly don't know where the time has gone. It takes my breath away to think that next month I will have two year olds! I have become quite nostalgic this month, looking at pictures from last Christmas. They weren't walking yet, they were barely crawling...and they looked so little. So much like babies. I try hard to remember that time, but at times it seems so distant. When I look at them now, it's hard to believe that they were ever immobile. That we were ever concerned about their walking. Because they are everywhere.
Beckett: you don't stop talking. From the minute you wake up in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow, you are talking. Whatever is on your mind, you speak it. You don't internalize anything. If we are walking and you see a truck, "big truck. wow. big truck. oh no truck" is said over and over again until something else interests you. Your vocabulary is immense. And your memory blows me away. Sometimes I think I am raising a genius...but which mother doesn't? Right now you are really into showing something. For instance, if I give you something you have to go "show Blakey, show daddy, show Zoey." You also are saying "hi" and waving anytime we enter a room. And your sweet voice makes me laugh out loud. You have been sick this month. A cough, runny nose, watery eyes...and you refuse to take your medicine. It takes both of us to hold you down and get it in your mouth. Swallowing is a whole other issue. Blake has been sick too and has required respiratory treatments. So you will turn his nebulizer on and say, "Blakey treatment." But if I ask you if you want a treatment, you vehemently shake your head no. You are so serious. And your expressions are priceless. You will use your eyebrows to enhance whatever you are trying to get across and I can't help but laugh. You love to cuddle, especially in the morning when I get you out of the crib. You lay your head on my shoulder and we just stand there in the nursery. You are a fairly good eater, except when you throw your food:( and we are quickly learning the repercussions of that. This week at Mother's Day Out, you were bitten by another little boy. And you couldn't get over it. You wanted to show everybody that somebody "bit you." You are fascinated with all things that are on wheels still. You are still very sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily. Especially by Blakey. If he takes something, you automatically say, "Blakey share," and then begin to cry. You are a great sleeper and are finally getting better about waking up. Like your daddy, you do not enjoy being awakened. You have become frustrated with staying at home lately. Whenever I pick you up you say, "go bye bye." Also the way you say yes makes me laugh out loud. It's just more of an affirmative grunt. Almost as if it's too much effort to add the "s" to the end of the word. You still adore Zoey and will become very angry if she doesn't follow your command. I wish I could capture everything you ever say on an audio tape. Because I love love your voice. You are such an independent headstrong little one. Yet you really still love to be held. And I certainly cater to that. You will walk up to me, put your arms out, and say "hold you." And I do, every time. Because I know that one day, much too soon, that will end. Your momma loves you Bucket! Blake: you have been busy. This month you finally came out of your mute shell. You had surgery on the 12th and the very next day...you began to speak. I was so nervous for your surgery. I questioned our decision a hundred times. But now, watching you, hearing you, I know we did the right thing. You were a rock star by the way. You never complained about not being able to eat before surgery. And afterwards you only whimpered because you wear so tired. You amazed me with your threshold for pain. Truly, one would never know you had surgery, you kept on smiling. And now you talk! It's amazing to hear your little voice. It still has the flat sound to it and you don't pronounce many sounds, but you are trying. You are finally repeating words!! And tonight you said up your first three word sentence,"sit down momma!" You are still in love with balls. So in love that if you spot one and I don't grab it for you, you scream. So, whether good or bad, I give in to you. You are such a sturdy little guy. You walk and run with such confidence. When you run, you swing your little arms Nd you have such a fierce look of determination on your face. You still love to eat but are a much pickier eater than your brother. You don't like fruit snacks?! How can that be? You are so funny....and you know you are funny. And you will work the room to make us laugh. This month we have been singing Christmas songs and you love them. All of a sudden, you will start singing Twinkle Twinke Christmas Star. Your sweet little voice makes my heart smile. You are such a patient baby, but lately you are voicing your opinion more. And you want me, a lot. You want to be carried everywhere. And from the moment I sit down, you want to be in my lap. If not in my lap, you want to push me down so that you can sit ON me;) You are so sweet in the mornings, all you want is to cuddle and watch Baby Einstein, you would sit with me for an hour, but your brother usually has other plans. Thisis the first month you are really standing up to your brother and fighting back. You used to let him take any toy for you...not anymore. Since your surgery you have become more confident. I feel as if I will be breaking up many brotherly battles in the near future;) You have been sick this month too. Yet you take both your medicine and your respiratory treatments like a champ. You have had a bad cough for two weeks, requiring us to give you nebukizer treatments daily. Your cough is worse at night...and so long after everybody else is asleep, your cough wakes me up and I stumble into the nursery, pick you up and give you a treatment. And you just let me rock you. And I wish that the moment would last...but I know it will pass so I whisper into your ear just how much I love you.
Beckett: you don't stop talking. From the minute you wake up in the morning to the time your head hits the pillow, you are talking. Whatever is on your mind, you speak it. You don't internalize anything. If we are walking and you see a truck, "big truck. wow. big truck. oh no truck" is said over and over again until something else interests you. Your vocabulary is immense. And your memory blows me away. Sometimes I think I am raising a genius...but which mother doesn't? Right now you are really into showing something. For instance, if I give you something you have to go "show Blakey, show daddy, show Zoey." You also are saying "hi" and waving anytime we enter a room. And your sweet voice makes me laugh out loud. You have been sick this month. A cough, runny nose, watery eyes...and you refuse to take your medicine. It takes both of us to hold you down and get it in your mouth. Swallowing is a whole other issue. Blake has been sick too and has required respiratory treatments. So you will turn his nebulizer on and say, "Blakey treatment." But if I ask you if you want a treatment, you vehemently shake your head no. You are so serious. And your expressions are priceless. You will use your eyebrows to enhance whatever you are trying to get across and I can't help but laugh. You love to cuddle, especially in the morning when I get you out of the crib. You lay your head on my shoulder and we just stand there in the nursery. You are a fairly good eater, except when you throw your food:( and we are quickly learning the repercussions of that. This week at Mother's Day Out, you were bitten by another little boy. And you couldn't get over it. You wanted to show everybody that somebody "bit you." You are fascinated with all things that are on wheels still. You are still very sensitive and get your feelings hurt easily. Especially by Blakey. If he takes something, you automatically say, "Blakey share," and then begin to cry. You are a great sleeper and are finally getting better about waking up. Like your daddy, you do not enjoy being awakened. You have become frustrated with staying at home lately. Whenever I pick you up you say, "go bye bye." Also the way you say yes makes me laugh out loud. It's just more of an affirmative grunt. Almost as if it's too much effort to add the "s" to the end of the word. You still adore Zoey and will become very angry if she doesn't follow your command. I wish I could capture everything you ever say on an audio tape. Because I love love your voice. You are such an independent headstrong little one. Yet you really still love to be held. And I certainly cater to that. You will walk up to me, put your arms out, and say "hold you." And I do, every time. Because I know that one day, much too soon, that will end. Your momma loves you Bucket! Blake: you have been busy. This month you finally came out of your mute shell. You had surgery on the 12th and the very next day...you began to speak. I was so nervous for your surgery. I questioned our decision a hundred times. But now, watching you, hearing you, I know we did the right thing. You were a rock star by the way. You never complained about not being able to eat before surgery. And afterwards you only whimpered because you wear so tired. You amazed me with your threshold for pain. Truly, one would never know you had surgery, you kept on smiling. And now you talk! It's amazing to hear your little voice. It still has the flat sound to it and you don't pronounce many sounds, but you are trying. You are finally repeating words!! And tonight you said up your first three word sentence,"sit down momma!" You are still in love with balls. So in love that if you spot one and I don't grab it for you, you scream. So, whether good or bad, I give in to you. You are such a sturdy little guy. You walk and run with such confidence. When you run, you swing your little arms Nd you have such a fierce look of determination on your face. You still love to eat but are a much pickier eater than your brother. You don't like fruit snacks?! How can that be? You are so funny....and you know you are funny. And you will work the room to make us laugh. This month we have been singing Christmas songs and you love them. All of a sudden, you will start singing Twinkle Twinke Christmas Star. Your sweet little voice makes my heart smile. You are such a patient baby, but lately you are voicing your opinion more. And you want me, a lot. You want to be carried everywhere. And from the moment I sit down, you want to be in my lap. If not in my lap, you want to push me down so that you can sit ON me;) You are so sweet in the mornings, all you want is to cuddle and watch Baby Einstein, you would sit with me for an hour, but your brother usually has other plans. Thisis the first month you are really standing up to your brother and fighting back. You used to let him take any toy for you...not anymore. Since your surgery you have become more confident. I feel as if I will be breaking up many brotherly battles in the near future;) You have been sick this month too. Yet you take both your medicine and your respiratory treatments like a champ. You have had a bad cough for two weeks, requiring us to give you nebukizer treatments daily. Your cough is worse at night...and so long after everybody else is asleep, your cough wakes me up and I stumble into the nursery, pick you up and give you a treatment. And you just let me rock you. And I wish that the moment would last...but I know it will pass so I whisper into your ear just how much I love you.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Today
Today I have been watching the television, unable to process the horrors of the school shooting in Connecticut. It is something so large, so heinous, so sorrowful that my mind literally cannot process all the grief that that community is enduring. Especially the parents of the children that died. I cannot begin to imagine their shock, their disbelief, their anger, their sorrow. I cannot imagine what it would be like to get that call. Frantic. Pleading with God, begging Him to spare your child. Your baby. Making rash promises.....to never gossip again, to eat more healthy, to have more patience with others...if only you could hold your child once again in your arms. And then to arrive and realize your prayers were not answered. Your arms are empty. Your heart is not broken, but has rather stopped. During tragedy, people turn to their faith. But what if your faith is destroyed? What if everything you ever believed in died with the last breath your child took? I don't know. I am so grateful that I am not in that position. I am so grateful I could cry. Yet I know that these babies that I love are not mine. They are His. He gave them to me. For my joy. This unbelievable insurmountable joy. The greatest joy of my life. What if tomorrow never came with them? What then? I don't know. I hope to never know. I hope that my sons outlive me, that's how it should be. But would I trust Him still? If my arms were empty? I hope so. For the joy I've had the past two years has been greater than any thing I could have imagined. And I would have rather held them briefly than never at all.
May God bless those that have died and embrace those that have survived.
And may violence be something that our children only read about as they sit safely in their schools.
May God bless those that have died and embrace those that have survived.
And may violence be something that our children only read about as they sit safely in their schools.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
22 months
Once again the month is over. Time carried more quickly than the leaves that fall from the trees outside my window. The holidays are here. Arriving both abruptly and unexpectedly. For as soon as the Halloween decorations come down...the stores bring forth the garland. Yet how can it be that Christmas is already upon us again? That this is going to be my babies' second Christmas? Our weeks are busy and the days pass quickly. Too quickly. It's not as if I am not exhausted by the end of the day, because I am, it's just that after bath time and prayers...I wonder where the time went. And I can't help but wonder that if in that given day I did enough. Certainly they are fed and changed. But did I teach them? Did I treasure them. Did I love them...enough? Because I do. I love them with every beat of my heart.
Beckett: You walk everywhere. And you are so deliberate in your walking. You walk with purpose. You might not always know where you are going, but you go with intent. It makes me laugh. You have such a look of concentration on your face. And sometimes you will put your hands behind your back and walk like a little old man, with your eyebrows raised. You talk more than any baby I know. Your thoughts are an open book. Whatever happens to be on your mind...is said aloud. Your vocabulary amazes me. One of my favorite things that you say is "cut grass." Every time you see a lawn truck you say this phrase. We put up the Christmas tree yesterday while you were napping. When you came down the steps you were in awe. And you said, "pretty tree." And I thought my heart would burst right there :) You love to read. You love pointing out objects in books and telling me all about them. You love the TV remote and will obsess about it until it is in your hands. You will repeat, "remote, remote, remote" until I give it to you. You still love your Zoey. Every time we leave the house you say, "bye ZoZo." And she is the first thing you look for when we come back home. Your eating is okay. You don't like vegetables, but you like fruit. And you love chicken. Any time we pass Chick Fil A you say, "chicky chicky." You are still as stubborn as an ox. This month has been a little trying with discipline. You are asserting both your opinion and your independence. And sometimes....we clash heads. This is a story that is just beginning. I have no doubt...that "time out" is in our future;) You are beginning to accept going to Mother's Day Out, which makes me very happy. You are still a sensitive little one and need frequent encouragement, but you are learning to get back up when you fall down. You love your daddy and are still your mommy's biggest fan. And she is yours :) Anytime I leave, I can hear you saying, "mommy come back, mommy come back." And of course, I always do.
Blake: You are a runner. And you are hilarious when you run. You put your head down and you make yourself have a double chin. Your arms are swinging and you are laughing. You are goofy. Life to you is funny. You are such an easy going baby. Unless somebody takes your ball. I swear that you are going to be a ball player. Nothing makes you happier than having a ball. At this point you don't have a preference. A football, basketball, soccer ball....you don't care. When a ball is in your hand, you are so animated. Maybe you will retire your parents one day. Your eating is okay. This month you have become addicted to both ice cream and apple juice. You have always loved them both...but now you crave them:) You will not try vegetables. But you love to dip. If we are eating you say, "eep," and you want ketchup or queso or mustard. It makes me laugh. You are talking now. Finally you say "mommy." But your enunciation is not good. You can't pronounce many words. And your voice is monotone is sound sometimes. We have taken you to the Heuser Hearing Institute several times. Every time you fail. Your tympanogram is always flat. So finally this month we decided to do something about it. You will be getting tubes in your ears, which isn't such a big deal...but there is more to it than that. Your eyes have always leaked. Tears periodically stream down your face when you are not crying. You have lacrimal duct stenosis. So...while you are getting ear tubes, an ophthalmologist will be taking a nasolacramil cannulae to your tear ducts and opening the narrowing. And finally you are tongue tied. So in addition to your ears and eyes, your frenelum will be clipped. And that is the scary part. The doctor wants a secure airway, so they will be intubating you. In other words, you will be under general anesthesia. And that makes your momma a nervous wreck. We haven't picked a date yet because we are waiting on all the doctors to coordinate the schedules. Hopefully after this, you will talk :) You still love Signing Times and Baby Einstein. You are quite the cuddler. If I am sitting down, you will come over to sit in my lap. Yet you are very content to play by yourself. You still do not love Mother's Day Out. And I worry about leaving you there....in fact, I still pick you both up thirty minutes early. You love water. You become a prune when sitting in the tub. You don't want to get out...EVER. You think you are funny. And that is funny. I love watching you try to play a joke on me. Every night when we say prayers, whoever is holding you gets extra cuddles. Because you love to wrap your chubby arms around our necks and lay your head down on our shoulder. And it is then that I understand just what grace is :)
Blake: You are a runner. And you are hilarious when you run. You put your head down and you make yourself have a double chin. Your arms are swinging and you are laughing. You are goofy. Life to you is funny. You are such an easy going baby. Unless somebody takes your ball. I swear that you are going to be a ball player. Nothing makes you happier than having a ball. At this point you don't have a preference. A football, basketball, soccer ball....you don't care. When a ball is in your hand, you are so animated. Maybe you will retire your parents one day. Your eating is okay. This month you have become addicted to both ice cream and apple juice. You have always loved them both...but now you crave them:) You will not try vegetables. But you love to dip. If we are eating you say, "eep," and you want ketchup or queso or mustard. It makes me laugh. You are talking now. Finally you say "mommy." But your enunciation is not good. You can't pronounce many words. And your voice is monotone is sound sometimes. We have taken you to the Heuser Hearing Institute several times. Every time you fail. Your tympanogram is always flat. So finally this month we decided to do something about it. You will be getting tubes in your ears, which isn't such a big deal...but there is more to it than that. Your eyes have always leaked. Tears periodically stream down your face when you are not crying. You have lacrimal duct stenosis. So...while you are getting ear tubes, an ophthalmologist will be taking a nasolacramil cannulae to your tear ducts and opening the narrowing. And finally you are tongue tied. So in addition to your ears and eyes, your frenelum will be clipped. And that is the scary part. The doctor wants a secure airway, so they will be intubating you. In other words, you will be under general anesthesia. And that makes your momma a nervous wreck. We haven't picked a date yet because we are waiting on all the doctors to coordinate the schedules. Hopefully after this, you will talk :) You still love Signing Times and Baby Einstein. You are quite the cuddler. If I am sitting down, you will come over to sit in my lap. Yet you are very content to play by yourself. You still do not love Mother's Day Out. And I worry about leaving you there....in fact, I still pick you both up thirty minutes early. You love water. You become a prune when sitting in the tub. You don't want to get out...EVER. You think you are funny. And that is funny. I love watching you try to play a joke on me. Every night when we say prayers, whoever is holding you gets extra cuddles. Because you love to wrap your chubby arms around our necks and lay your head down on our shoulder. And it is then that I understand just what grace is :)
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