Against Doctors Orders

About a month ago, I went on eBay and bought a fetal dopplar. Knowing that I was going completely against the orders of my OB and the wishes of my husband. I was cautioned that the dopplars available online are not as accurate as those found in a doctor's office. I was told that it would drive to the brink of insanity because I might not be able to find their heartbeats. Or I might only find one heartbeat. Or at times their heart rate might drop, (which is normal....it's called variability). I didn't listen. I couldn't take it. I was convinced that since I couldn't feel them yet, that they had died. I need confirmation of life. So.....on Wednesday, I put the dopplar on my belly....and I didn't hear a thing. Except for the raucous beating of my own heart. I panicked. I became hysterical. I called Chris at work. I threw up. I just knew that the boys were gone. So I took a Tylenol PM and went to bed. It was 5pm. I didn't sleep. On Thursday morning we had a scheduled doctor's appointment. I didn't want to go. I was convinced that they were going to tell me bad news. I wouldn't look at the screen. Until the tech told me....there they are. I opened my eyes and looked at the screen. There in black and white were our boys. Swimming in their cocoon of amniotic fluid, oblivious to their mother's tears. As soon as I got home.....I threw the dopplar away. Lesson learned.