One Year Ago

One year ago today, my daughter died. Sometimes it seems to me as if it has been ten years and not just one. For how is it that life simply goes on? How can I continue to not only function, but enjoy the life I have? Does that make me a bad person? Does that nullify her short existence? Does that make the imprint on my heart any less? Does that make me less of a mother? There are moments in my day where I forget about what happened, where the joy overcomes me with anticipation of these two boys. And then I remember. Almost an electric shock running through my body, whispering her name. Harper. And I feel guilt and joy all in that one second. This past year has been a struggle. It has been an uphill climb through rough and unforgiving terrain. I have lost my way, fallen down, become bruised and battered. I crawled into a dark hole where the only guest invited was my constant companion of regret. Of things gone by. and then one day, I woke up. I moved on. Life is for the living. It is rich in both its sadness and its triumph. Reach out and grab hold. I don't for a minute wish the pain and sorrow that I experienced this past year on anyone, yet I am changed because of it. My priorities have shifted, my gratitude has deepened, my marriage has blossomed, and I have endured. And so maybe that is my daughter's legacy. She left me certainly, but she gave me more than I ever could have imagined. She may have died, but her memory survives.
This post is dedicated to my daughter, Harper. And to all those women out there who are mothers, even though their arms remain empty. You women claim that my writing has helped you heal through your grief.....if you only knew, it was you all that healed me.