25 Weeks!

I love Tuesdays. Another week down, another week closer. I am 25 weeks today! If the boys were born today their survival chances are good. There is even a possibility that they would make an effort to cry. Granted, it might be more like a whisper, but the lungs would be able to take in some oxygen. In fact, up until this point, the boys' nares have been clogged. At 25 weeks, the nasal passages open up and they are able to practice breathing through their nose. Their capillaries are becoming filled with oxygen rich blood. Changing their skin from the previous pale to a more vibrant pink. Space is getting tight. So there won't be as much acrobatic activity anymore. Certainly they will kick, punch, etc. But very few somersaults now. I look at myself in the mirror and become awed at my body. It is not the body that I am used to. It has changed, to accommodate two lives. My belly mesmerizes me. Large and round and hard. And if I'm still, I can watch them move. Little waves covering my belly, and I have to wonder what dance they are choreographing within me. While I have been pregnant before, all of this is new. I never felt Harper move. Maybe it was because she was just too tiny, or maybe it was part of a bigger plan. Because if I would have felt her defiant little kicks within me, my sorrow would be overwhelming. I think of her all the time. I wonder what she would have looked like,not just now but on her wedding day. My emotions are all over the place. I cry tears of joy and sorrow. I rejoice for the movements within me and for the movements that I never felt. I am elated to be viable, yet guilt ridden to be moving on. When I hold my boys for the first time, will Harper be forgotten or will her memory live on? Will I be able to move past my grief and raise two boys into men?

Our journey to parenthood has been something that nobody could have prepared us for. So many times this past year we have been down on our knees. Tears of rage and anger staining our cheeks. This past week, I find myself once again on my knees. And these tears of hope that now trickle down my cheeks are slowly erasing the stain of their predecessor.

Once again, thank you for all the prayers. God Bless. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving.