March 17

This day. This is the day my dog died and my daughter was to be born. This day is one that I inhale. Every breath I take is for her. The wind through the trees carries her name. Reaching me from the heavens. Reminding me of her existence, her purity. Her life. And the sun that warms my face is my Baylor. Letting me know she is there. With her wise autumn eyes looking down on me. And I know that as I stare at that big yellow star in the sky, so bright that it's brilliance is blinding, that they are up there in the heavens, together.

I am crying now. I have my boys on my lap. Their tiny little bodies keeping me warm. Their eyelids are fluttering. I am certain that the angels are whispering to them. And I wonder if they see her. If they know of her. If they felt her love before they felt my arms. Yet I have to acknowledge the fact that had Harper lived, my boys would not be here. And that is a little unsettling to me. How can I mourn a presence that I never met and rejoice in the presence that I have now? Is it possible to love wholly while still grieving? Is it wrong to rejoice so much in the life of my boys? Because I do. This love envelops me. Completes me. Shows me the grace that I had been missing. And yet just when that love is the greatest, the most powerful, just when my heart is bursting, I remember her. And my heart skips a beat or two.

This day reminds me of what could have been. And this day gives me the grace to acknowledge what is. And the blessings that I have been given.

And this day is also my mother in law's birthday. Happy Birthday :)