Sometimes, in the midst of the chaos and joy of raising my boys, I almost forget her. And then the wind blows and carries her memory down from the heavens. And my breath is stolen from my lungs and my heart stops its beat for that single moment when I remember what could have been. What almost was. And yet because she is not here, my boys are. It is misery and grace intertwined. My deepest sorrow, my greatest joy. It is a paradox. The greatest one of my life. To love them so fiercely yet miss her so desperately. So today, on this day of pregnancy and infant loss, I not only say her name, I crave her name. I pray her name. I remember her. She was. And she is gone now. And I am better for having loved her. Loving her still.
Harper
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
gave me chills. one sweet day...
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