Saturday, October 29, 2011
9 months!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
a year ago...
I have become addicted to reading my previous posts. Especially the dark ones. The ones that seem devoid of hope. The ones where I questioned if it was worth it. The ones where I lost sight of what I was fighting for. The ones where I didn't know if I would live to see another day. Because I didn't want to. Because I was so tired. Of everything.
One year ago today I went in for a routine doctor's visit. I had my mother and grandmother with me. I thought I'd get to see the boys. Maybe get a weight check on them. Get some pictures. Watch my mom and grandmother cry at the wonder of modern technology and the ability to see the babies, still cocooned safely in utero. Instead, I was the one crying. I remember the doctor telling me that he needed to do a cerclage. I remember him telling me I would be on bedrest. I remember calling Chris but not being able to speak.
I remember that night at home so well. Both of us down on our knees. Begging Him. To bring the boys to viability. I remember how scared we were. How desperate our fear was. I remember crying so hard I made myself sick. Chris...unable to comfort me. That was a bad night. Yet that night was merely the beginning of the journey. We had no idea what still awaited us. As individuals, as a couple. The pregnancy rocked our marriage. Many nights I wondered if we would make it. And then the NICU....and Blake getting sick. But here we are. One year later. And here's the thing. The crazy thing. I wouldn't change anything. It took everything that happened, to bring me, bring us to this point. This miraculous point of grace. So when I look back at those dark posts, I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that it will be okay. That there is a light. And that the light is so bright at times now that it is blinding.
One year ago today I went in for a routine doctor's visit. I had my mother and grandmother with me. I thought I'd get to see the boys. Maybe get a weight check on them. Get some pictures. Watch my mom and grandmother cry at the wonder of modern technology and the ability to see the babies, still cocooned safely in utero. Instead, I was the one crying. I remember the doctor telling me that he needed to do a cerclage. I remember him telling me I would be on bedrest. I remember calling Chris but not being able to speak.
I remember that night at home so well. Both of us down on our knees. Begging Him. To bring the boys to viability. I remember how scared we were. How desperate our fear was. I remember crying so hard I made myself sick. Chris...unable to comfort me. That was a bad night. Yet that night was merely the beginning of the journey. We had no idea what still awaited us. As individuals, as a couple. The pregnancy rocked our marriage. Many nights I wondered if we would make it. And then the NICU....and Blake getting sick. But here we are. One year later. And here's the thing. The crazy thing. I wouldn't change anything. It took everything that happened, to bring me, bring us to this point. This miraculous point of grace. So when I look back at those dark posts, I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that it will be okay. That there is a light. And that the light is so bright at times now that it is blinding.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Remembering...
http://www.team-ewan.com/2011/10/say-their-names-for-pregnancy-infant.html
Sometimes, in the midst of the chaos and joy of raising my boys, I almost forget her. And then the wind blows and carries her memory down from the heavens. And my breath is stolen from my lungs and my heart stops its beat for that single moment when I remember what could have been. What almost was. And yet because she is not here, my boys are. It is misery and grace intertwined. My deepest sorrow, my greatest joy. It is a paradox. The greatest one of my life. To love them so fiercely yet miss her so desperately. So today, on this day of pregnancy and infant loss, I not only say her name, I crave her name. I pray her name. I remember her. She was. And she is gone now. And I am better for having loved her. Loving her still.
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
Sometimes, in the midst of the chaos and joy of raising my boys, I almost forget her. And then the wind blows and carries her memory down from the heavens. And my breath is stolen from my lungs and my heart stops its beat for that single moment when I remember what could have been. What almost was. And yet because she is not here, my boys are. It is misery and grace intertwined. My deepest sorrow, my greatest joy. It is a paradox. The greatest one of my life. To love them so fiercely yet miss her so desperately. So today, on this day of pregnancy and infant loss, I not only say her name, I crave her name. I pray her name. I remember her. She was. And she is gone now. And I am better for having loved her. Loving her still.
Harper
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-e.e. cummings
Monday, October 10, 2011
Blakey Laughing
The babies haven't been feeling well lately. Allergies have gotten the best of us, but Blake clearly thought that getting zyrtec was hilarious :)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
5k
Yesterday we took the babies out for their first 5k. It was a beautiful day, and the babies did great! After the run...the babies and momma got into the Halloween spirit :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Happy Fall!
Last year, at this time I had no idea what was about to happen. Chris and I were in a state of blissful ignorance about the pregnancy. Life was great. We were the proud, yet expectant parents of twin boys. In less than three weeks, our whole world would change. And the family that we desperately wanted, would now become the family that we had to fight for. Some days, it seems as if that whole experience was years ago. So distant. And other days, I can close my eyes and be back on that couch. Praying for one more day, one more week. Last October I had no idea how cold my winter would be. How the days would be endless and the pain almost insurmountable. How the depression would overwhelm me. Almost devour me. What a difference a year can make? This winter.....despite the cold, the long days, I will be warm. They smile and I am complete.
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