a year ago...

I have become addicted to reading my previous posts.  Especially the dark ones.  The ones that seem devoid of hope.  The ones where I questioned if it was worth it.  The ones where I lost sight of what I was fighting for.  The ones where I didn't know if I would live to see another day.  Because I didn't want to.  Because I was so tired.  Of everything. 
One year ago today I went in for a routine doctor's visit.  I had my mother and grandmother with me.  I thought I'd get to see the boys.  Maybe get a weight check on them.  Get some pictures.  Watch my mom and grandmother cry at the wonder of modern technology and the ability to see the babies, still cocooned safely in utero.  Instead, I was the one crying.  I remember the doctor telling me that he needed to do a cerclage.  I remember him telling me I would be on bedrest.  I remember calling Chris but not being able to speak.

I remember that night at home so well.  Both of us down on our knees.  Begging Him.  To bring the boys to viability.  I remember how scared we were.  How desperate our fear was.  I remember crying so hard I made myself sick.  Chris...unable to comfort me.  That was a bad night.  Yet that night was merely the beginning of the journey.  We had no idea what still awaited us.  As individuals, as a couple.  The pregnancy rocked our marriage.  Many nights I wondered if we would make it.  And then the NICU....and Blake getting sick.  But here we are.  One year later.  And here's the thing.  The crazy thing.  I wouldn't change anything.  It took everything that happened, to bring me, bring us to this point.  This miraculous point of grace.  So when I look back at those dark posts, I want to wrap my arms around her and tell her that it will be okay.  That there is a light.  And that the light is so bright at times now that it is blinding.