Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was dreading having to go back to the hospital. Having to see all those babies, simply reminding me of what I lost. What I don't have. I was afraid as well that my emotions would overwhelm and a torrent of tears would escape from my already constantly reddened eyes. My family knew of my hesitation and my fears. Their prayers for me could have been heard around the world, and maybe that is how I managed to not only arrive at work, but function as a nurse. A good nurse. And then just as my day was about to end, and the feelings of loneliness began to encroach upon my soul, I received a gift. My sister, my wonderful and kind sister, had flowers delivered to me at work. She knows that I love flowers. Some people may regard flowers as a silly gesture, for they simply wither and die. But I love them. I love to smell them and have them brighten my house. Thinking to myself, somebody cared enough about me to send me flowers. The card simply said: SMILE from Lily, Gracie, and Abby. But I know that it was from my sister. She knew that I would need a little something extra to get me through the day. She knew I loved flowers. She cares....and that made me smile.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Smile
Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was dreading having to go back to the hospital. Having to see all those babies, simply reminding me of what I lost. What I don't have. I was afraid as well that my emotions would overwhelm and a torrent of tears would escape from my already constantly reddened eyes. My family knew of my hesitation and my fears. Their prayers for me could have been heard around the world, and maybe that is how I managed to not only arrive at work, but function as a nurse. A good nurse. And then just as my day was about to end, and the feelings of loneliness began to encroach upon my soul, I received a gift. My sister, my wonderful and kind sister, had flowers delivered to me at work. She knows that I love flowers. Some people may regard flowers as a silly gesture, for they simply wither and die. But I love them. I love to smell them and have them brighten my house. Thinking to myself, somebody cared enough about me to send me flowers. The card simply said: SMILE from Lily, Gracie, and Abby. But I know that it was from my sister. She knew that I would need a little something extra to get me through the day. She knew I loved flowers. She cares....and that made me smile.
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Of course, I care... I'm not sure you could possibly understand how terrible I feel. I know it seems that I have just gone on and expect you to do the same but I have to... I have three little people to take care that don't understand being sad. I am so sad for you and Chris but also for the fact that I loved being able to share pregnancy with you. How cool is it to have something like that to share with your sister? So here I am continuing on... but not for a minute forgetting what you have lost. I feel terribly guilty. This is not how it was supposed to turn out. You have both been so strong through all of this and I am amazed. I know none of this seems fair and for now you all are just getting by day by day. I honestly believe when God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window... we are praying for you all and sending you lots of love.
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