Loss

So we lost our little girl. I went in for an ultrasound because she had been measuring so small and my doctor wanted me to get a second opinion. The second opinion was certainly not reassuring. She wasn't growing, at all. Apparently my placenta was not working. He wanted to see me the next day, and when we went in....she had died. Just like that, she was gone. So it's really surreal writing this. With tears streaming down my face, so hard in fact that I can barely see the keyboard, I wonder why this happened. Sure. I know that I wasn't the first person in the world to have a miscarriage, but right now I've never felt so alone. There are no words of comfort to fill the emptiness that is inside me. I look down and rub my belly and the absence of a bump, her bump, almost sickens me. And everyone will tell me that there was a reason for this, that God has a plan. Well, His plan sucks. Why give her to me, just to take her away? How is it that you can miss something so badly when you never even had a chance to meet? I never met her, but I knew her. I saw her kick and yawn. And stretch. I heard her heartbeat. I wanted her. Why is it that you never realize how badly you want something until it is gone? How is it that you never knew what heartbreak felt like until you realize that your heart is gone? And yet somehow you manage to get out of bed, to move on. Because there is nothing left to do. And so day by day, the sun streams in a little more. And one day, you will let the warmth of the sun comfort you once again. But until that day, you acknowledge that heaven must be a very lovely place, because it has the two most lovely souls. As soon as our baby died, our wise old gray Bear was there to welcome her. And for that I am grateful, and for now, that is enough.

Welcome Home, Little One