I can hardly believe it. The reality that soon I will have children. That after so much loss my arms will be full. That I will be able to touch my boys, smell that sweet baby smell, hear their cries. That I will be able to look into their eyes and realize that each heartbreak brought me to this point. And they will look back at me and I will be healed. Complete once again.
This past week has been very hard. I started having contractions again and was put on yet another medication. The isolation from the bedrest is devastating. I watch my family come and go, full of Christmas cheer. Their cheeks rosy from the cold, and their arms heavy with packages in pretty bows. And I wish that I could be a part of that. It's bittersweet that this is our last Christmas as a just a married couple, and I can't participate. I can't go to Christmas parties. I can't get in the car and go for romantic drives looking at all the beautiful lights. I can't take the dogs to get their pictures with Santa. All of this we did together. Just me and Chris. It will never be just me and him again. And while I know the joy is going to magnify next Christmas with our boys, I almost resent the fact that I can't get out of bed. I have been on bedrest for sixty two days. I have gone through every emotion from despair to hope. I have cried until my well is dry. I have cursed God and praised Him. And I have done this all alone. Certainly I have had visitors. And they stay and visit for an hour or two. And Chris comes home in the evenings. But for the majority of the day, I am alone. And the silence is deafening. There are moments when I want to just get in my car and drive. Leave the house. Resume my life. But then I feel them kick, and I sit back down. And continue waiting. Knowing it will be worth the wait.
Just for kicks, here is a list of the medications that I am on for this pregnancy. You might need to sit down.
Prenatal Vitamins
Folic Acid
Aspirin
Iron
Prilosec
Prednisone
Magnesium
Terbutaline
Arixtra (subQ injections)
Progestrone (IM injections)
Clindamycin (vaginal suppository)
The magnesium and terbutaline are to prevent contractions. I have to take both of those medications every 6hrs. Of course my favorite is the Clindamycin. Why do I have to take a vaginal suppository? Well, that is to prevent the cerclage from getting infected. One thing I'm looking forward to....no more meds! Something my husband is looking forward to.....no more pharmacy bills :)
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Holy cow, that's a lot of meds! I don't envy you your bed rest or your personal pharmacy (especially those injections - yuck!), but I do envy that you get to keep your boys with you longer than I got to keep the girls. They're going to be big and strong and healthy! You're in my thoughts and prayers every day, Wendy. The ladies can't wait to meet your gents!
ReplyDeleteWendy, oh my... The only positive thing I could think reading the list of meds was that these medications are making sure that the boys will have to take less... We are thinking and talking about you all the time. I will send you an email re what is going on with our little family! Love, Susanne
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