A Little Detour

This past weekend I was not feeling well.I couldn't get comfortable. My back pain was ridiculous. Enough to take my breath away. And then my stomach felt as if it had a vise wrapped around it. Squeezing the babies. I took a bath. That didn't work. I called Chris, who then called the doctor. There was no hesitation in his voice, we needed to come directly to the hospital. I didn't want to go. At all. What if I was just being a pansy? And it was all false labor? I was terrified of crying wolf. I told Chris not to bring a thing. No bags, no cameras, for I was convinced we would be going home. I was wrong. I was in labor. As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors, things started happening really quickly. I was admitted, not for the day, but indefinitely. I was started on continuous monitoring of the babies. I was given more meds than I ever could have imagined. And the meds would continue to appear round the clock every two hours. I was poked, prodded, stabbed. And then told to relax. I moved to a more permanent room. And just as I was starting to close my eyes,a neonatologist walks in. For my consult. Something I had never pictured in my pregnancy. A neonatologist talking to me about preterm delivery and the risks associated with it. And that is when I started crying. I'd like to say that my tears are dried up. That I no longer cry, but that is a lie. Between the uncertainty of being here and the side effects of the medications, I can't stop crying. The medications feel toxic to my body. I can't keep my eyes open, yet if I close them I become nauseated and the world begins to spin in the dark. We have refused visitors of any kind. Only my parents and sister are allowed to come through these doors. And while many may question our decision, we stand by it. This decision doesn't involve anyone but me and my husband. I am terrified and more uncomfortable than I have ever been in my life. And there is only one person that I want beside me. My husband, my best friend. Someone who knows me for the better and during this time of worse. Someone who will hold my hand while the medicine makes me shake so badly my teeth begin to chatter. Someone who will sleep beside me on a chair made for a dwarf and never complain about his back hurting. Someone who will lift me up on the bedpan because my bathroom privileges were taken away, and still look at me with awe and wonder. And love. He is the only person I need right now. When he walks into the room, I am at peace. For I can simply be myself, no questions asked, no explanations needed. I lie my head down on his chest and with his heartbeat in my ear, I am able to sleep.
We don't know what tomorrow will bring. If I will be able to be at home or if I will still be here. It's up to my uterus, apparently. And with your prayers and support, we remain comforted.
I will try to update as frequently as information comes in :)