So I am 33 weeks today. And while I am ecstatic that I have made it this far, I am truly at the end of my rope. When we first found out that we were having twins, other than recovering from the initial shock, we then became worried about the details of the pregnancy. We knew I would be high risk. But God help us, we never expected all of this. Lately I have trouble getting out of bed, knowing that an entire day awaits me. A day filled with vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, and tears. Where I feel like my body and mind are no longer my own. Where my thoughts are no longer lucid and my movements are scripted in slow motion. I cannot begin to explain the effects of the medication. I cannot begin to describe the loneliness and desperation that I feel as each day passes. My days revolve around medicine. Medicine that causes me to shake so badly I can't even hold a pen to write anymore. Medicine that causes such severe nausea that I don't want to eat. Medicine that puts me in such a mental stupor I can't determine reality from dreaming. This was not what we had expected. We knew the road would be hard, but this road, this damn road is trying to kill me. I do not know if I can take it much longer. My spirit has sunk to the bottom of my soul, and I have lost sight on what this fight is for. At this point, the concept of the boys is so far from my mind. So far because I am enveloped in a world of despair. My God, I am tired. There is a song that I like and I keep playing it. Again and again. Hoping that maybe He will answer me in some way and pull me through, because I am quickly sinking.
Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
that you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again
I say Amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
and I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
and you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I cry
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
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Wendy, my heart breaks for you. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. Please know that you are continually in my prayers and also the prayers of so many others that you don't even know. I know you feel alone, but there are so many of us lifting you in prayer each and every day hoping to help in the only way we can. Though none of us can take away your suffering, you are not alone. We pray for your comfort and we pray for mercy for you and your family. Just hold on! You will be blessed!
ReplyDeleteI love that song, too, Wendy.
ReplyDeleteHere's another for you:
{Before the Morning- Josh Wilson}
Do you wonder why you have to
feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you,
where is He now?
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see
Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning
My friend, you know how this all ends,
you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there,
so say a prayer and hold on
cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot,
it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Listen to it/watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8
Always praying for you!
Oh man... I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. It's not fair at all, is it? Everyday, now that I have read your blog, I pray for you and eagerly log on, hoping for some good news. I hope that ... well, I don't even know what to hope for. I know the only relief you will get from the meds is when they stop, but that means that the boys will be here. And I know that the longer they stay in there, the better off they will be. I know how isolating and depressing bedrest is... it's awful. And I didn't even have it as badly as you do. I'm so sorry. All I can offer is sympathy and my prayers - you have all of those I can send. from Cathy in Texas, mom to a 26-weeker
ReplyDeleteWendy,
ReplyDeleteSometimes life sucks and then all of a sudden it is amazingly wonderful again. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your boys have a wonderful Mom - you are going through all this pain so that they have to go through less.
Sending you lots of hugs and maybe a few happy moments.
Love,
Susanne
Hi Wendy,
ReplyDeleteI just meet your husband in the Kosair NICU. He was talking about your not so "rainbows and sunshine" pregnancy. After he heard about my pregnancy, he encouraged me to reach out to you.
Just to give some background- After 8 years of endless infertily treatments and 2 IVF's later I became with triplets. I was so excited to be pregnant but boy was I in for a huge roller coaster ride. Never mind the cervical ultrasounds every 2 weeks. Or the endless lectures from all the doctors on how high risk triplet pregnacies are. I had to have a cerclage @ 19 weeks. Then I was put on modified bedrest for 2 weeks which turned into hospital bedrest. I was in the hospital for 1 month when I went into premature labor @ 26 weeks 3 days. There was nothing that could be done to stop the labor so I gave birth 14 weeks early. Thank God all 3 where born without any major complications.
I wish things were going diffently for you. Pregnacy is suppose to be one of the most exciting times of your life. At least that is what everyone told me. LOL I do know that what got me through some of my bedrest was being distracted by visitors. So if you are up for meeting over a cup of coffee @ your house, I'm game.
Hang in there, you will glad you did.
Hugs,
Sammantha
(bewitch77@msn.com)
Just thinking about you this morning...
ReplyDelete