Beckett Goes Home

Yesterday was a hard day. Beckett came home. And certainly while I was excited that he was doing so well, I was devastated to leave his brother behind. I didn't get to the hospital until 3pm yesterday. I slept late. Almost comatose. Alright, I took a sleeping pill. I knew the day that awaited me and I wanted to drown it out. I wanted to sleep and wake up with both my boys. But that was a simply a dream. I knew Blake wasn't going anywhere. Certainly not home with me. When I got to the hospital, I was drawn immediately to Blake. I wanted to scoop him up and nestle him against me. I wanted to inhale his scent, memorize his big frog eyes. Kiss his lips and watch him smile as if touched by angels. But Beckett was crying. He needed to be fed, to be changed. He didn't know that his mother's heart was breaking in two. I wonder if this is simply a foreshadowing of the future. My grown sons leaving me behind as they chase their future and follow their dreams. Everyone reminds me to enjoy the moment, because it passes much too quickly. Even now, I can't believe that they are going to be two weeks old. Two weeks and my baby is still in a box. Behind the glass, trying to conserve his calories and fight his infection. And while his life continues to exist, in a glass bubble, his mother will leave him behind. Taking home his hearty older brother, and beginning a life, that is far from complete. We are a family of four, yet we are only three now. And the tears continue to roll down my cheeks.

I am elated to have Beckett home. Although last night was rough. Neither one of us slept. I heard every noise he made. And then when he stopped making noise, I poked him. Terrified that he had stopped breathing. He wouldn't wake to eat, and so sometime around 4am, I ran his feet under cold water. He responded with an ear piercing scream, but still refused to eat. So I simply sat on the couch, not sleeping, just watching him. Watching his chest move up and down. And then slowly, almost like a gift, we greeted the morning with a subtle sunrise.

Please continue to pray for Blake.

And to my friend, who gave me two little peas for my pod, keep the faith. Just know that every day that little seed, (of faith) continues to grow :)