Two Weeks!

I'm not sure where the time goes. I certainly can't believe that the boys are two weeks already. It takes my breath away. Already I can see that they have changed. I look back at pictures of those first few days, when their skin was wrinkly and pink. And my body still felt as if a limb had been amputated, with them on the outside. When I couldn't determine where I ended and they began. But now, after a mere 14 days, my body has forgotten it's previous role. I no longer have the phantom movements of them from within a now empty womb. I am able to get up and walk without the pain or pressure from their weight. I am able to lie on my side at night, curled tight into a ball, without the burden of a belly. And it is an odd feeling. I don't miss being pregnant, but I am somewhat disappointed at how quickly my body is forgetting their existence.

This past week has been very hard. Much harder emotionally than I had ever bargained for. I never imagined how torn I would feel. How difficult it would be to leave one so that I could be with the other. When I am at home, I long for Blake. And while I am with Blake I miss Beckett. It is a game of tug of war with my heart. And I feel as if the welfare of my children is at stake. It is exhausting. It is draining. It is enough to bring me to my knees in frustration. Wondering why everything has to be so damn hard. As I sit here typing, with Beckett on my chest, his eyes fluttering from the secrets the angels are whispering to him, I wonder what his brother is doing. Does Blake know that I miss him? Does he even know that I am his momma? Motherhood is not something that knocks lightly upon the door. It comes with an unforgiving force. Leaving you breathless, winded, dumbstruck. The mere fact that my boys are now two weeks old is alarming. I feel as if I blink that years will have passed. And that makes me sad.

A little update:

Becks had his first Dr. Appt today. He is weighing in at 5lbs. Just shy of his birth weight and is doing everything he needs to be doing.

Blake is still in his box. Growing bigger every day. He is taking about 90% of his feeds by mouth. His last dose of antibiotics was given today and so his PICC line was able to come out today. Currently he weighs 4lbs 10oz.