One Month

Tonight as I write this I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face. How is it that one month has already passed? How can it be that my babies are already one month old? I can't stop myself from looking at pictures of when they were first here. Brand new. Skin so red and wrinkly they looked like little prunes. Cries so soft it was as if a bird were singing. Eyes still cloudy with the dust of angels from the heavens. And now, while still new, so much has changed. Every day they continue to grow, transform before my eyes. And that makes me so sad. So unbelievably sad.

I never pictured myself as maternal. After losing Harper, feelings of grief overwhelmed me. For what would never be. But now, I grieve for what was. These boys have wrapped me around their souls. I have become addicted to their little bodies in a way that I never imagined. I want to breathe them in and never exhale.

Their cries unnerve me. Bringing me to my knees. Desperate to fix whatever ails them. I would gladly walk through fire to give them life. I would lay my life down so that they could take their next breath.

This is a love unlike any love I've ever known. A love so fierce and so determined it leaves me parched. Thirsty for more. Desperate to be filled up once again with them. To touch them is to love them. To love them is to live.

The fact that an entire month has passed is absolutely shocking to me. Where did the time go? I don't want to close my eyes, to blink. For I fear that when I open them my babies will have become men.

Certainly as a parent, you want your children to grow, to prosper, to become capable adults. But right now, as I look down at the babies in my arms, full of abandon and innocence, I want nothing more than for this moment to last forever.